Check out the best of the blog

If you’d like a brief overview of my thoughts on retroactive jealousy, and what you can do right now to start getting your jealousy taken care of, you’re in the right place…

Before you do anything else, if you haven’t already, click here to read the Frequently Asked Questions.

After you read the FAQ, click on the links below to find out why this is the most visited website on the internet concerning retroactive jealousy.

Here are my top-10 most popular blog posts:

1.) What you need to know about Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy Part I

2.) What you need to know about Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy Part II

3.) Jealousy telegraphs insecurity

4.) Stop cheating others out of your best self

5.) Your partner’s past doesn’t matter… unless it does

6.) Retroactive jealousy is not the same as conflicting values

7.) You cannot cure retroactive jealousy by thinking about it

8.) A simple (yet effective!) trick for letting go of jealous thoughts

9.) The real key to getting over your partner’s past

10.) VIDEO: Try This Quick And Easy Gratitude Exercise For Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

 

If you’re ready to take the next step…

and want to learn more about overcoming retroactive jealousy ASAP, click here. I’ve created what many are calling the “best resource available” for getting over your partner’s past, taking the power back, and finding peace.

 

  • Deborah L. Drucker

    I’m having trouble letting go of anger at my partner’s most recent ex-girlfriend. They broke up in March (mutual agreement) and we started dating in July. He owes her money because they bought a timeshare “together”, and he pays her every month to pay this off, so they are still connected. He works two jobs and it exhausts him and has affected his health. So on one hand I’m angry because I don’t understand how you can care about a person and allow them to get into debt just so you can take a couple of vacations. (He already had a substantial amount of debt due to child support payments from his previous marriage). And on another level I’m angry because his having to pay her means there isn’t money available for US to take vacations. I love him but I’m seriously thinking of breaking it off because I don’t see myself getting past this. At the least, I’m thinking about just planning a vacation without him because I have the means to do so. I’m pretty obsessed with this situation and I know I’m insecure, to the point where I wonder if it is possible to have a relationship at all.

    • Thanks for your comment, Deborah. Sounds like a very messy situation. I hope that you can find some clarity soon, and make a decision regarding whether or not you can work through this. But you’re right to mention insecurity–work on that, and everything will get better, believe me. Good luck.

  • Anonymous One

    How can I get over my RJ when his ex is making herself a constant factor, when he shared so many huge life milestones/firsts with her? When he was on top of his game when they were together and could’ve had any woman he chose and he chose her? He’s rock bottom now and I’m with him regardless but How do I compete or even begin to compare? So sad:(

    • Anonymous One

      Is it even considered RJ if the ex you’re jealous/angry over is constantly interjecting herself and starting sh*t?

      • Zachary

        This sounds like a boundaries issue. If I was you, I might try to talk to my partner and explain that I’m not cool with his ex constantly pulling stunts like that, and remaining a big part of his life. Otherwise, I’d recommend you take a look at this article: https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/mailbag-partners-ex/
        Hope this helps.

  • delani daniel

    My jealousy stems from my girlfriend having two miscarriages with her ex before she met me. He was the kind of guy that did nothing for her but yet he got so much of her. I kind of hate her for being so stupid which she says she was all the time. I still dread over it. In some way wishing she never let that happen. I know it’s her past but I can’t find a positive way to get over it. That is why I am praying for a miracle from this program

    • Zachary

      I hope you find my stuff helpful, Daniel. Put in the work, and good things will come.

  • Seeker

    Hello All – I need some advise, and hopefully some good advice. I never even knew what retroactive jealousy was until I started searching the internet to find out what I had this black cloud settle on me. I recently left my wife of 37 years after a long delayed and awful recognition that certain things that happened before marriage should have ended our relationship before I blindly stumbled into matrimony. I believe that what I experienced caused a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder that froze me for years from confronting the harrowing reality of what I went through. I’ll get right to the point – my then girlfriend (and until very recently “wife”) had broken up and after a few months decided that we would try to reconcile our relationship. She had broken up with me after she got into grad school, and I was struggling to figure out how and what I wanted to be, had no money, had uncertain prospects and was trying to find my way. A few months after our separation as boyfriend/girlfriend, we decided that there was enough substance between us that we would reconcile our relationship and explore getting back together. The day before I flew from where I was living to attempt this reconciliation, she had the kind of rough sex that left her bruised and with rug burns. I was so stricken by this happening the day before we were going to try to mend our relationship that I believe I went into a kind of shock where I couldn’t deal with it as it should have been dealt with on the spot – namely, I should have ended the relationship immediately and left. There’s more to it as well, and I feel that I must be clear about what happened in order for someone to advise me how I can get it out of my mind and move on with my life – I apologize for the disgusting details, but need to share them – while we were having sex that afternoon, she was oozing this other guys come – which I discovered during oral sex. She of course denied it, I of course put my sexual instrument in the other guy’s slop. In fact, they call it “sloppy seconds” and gee, wasn’t i lucky to get my reconciliation gift in this form. Around the same time, out of stupidity and weakness I moved to her city to be close to her. One afternoon during a conversation with her room mate told me about another sexual relationship that my once again girlfriend had delved into. I always remembered this and only recently did it become a part of the overall retro-jealousy I started to experience. Well, that was years ago, and she always denied that there was anybody else but the guy she had rough sex with until she told me it wasn’t any of my business. That made it clear that there was someone else and it was always in the back of my mind because she said it wasn’t any of my business and I was left guessing who it was – and at the same time, all of this was internalized and kept me somewhat distant and at arms length from her in my marriage – always having a hard time truly loving her because of that one afternoon – at the same time, and here’s the really, really hard part, she loved me and helped me, and was there for me when I needed it over the years. I did love her, but there was the unsettling affair that tainted our reconciliation and that kept me from being able to fully and without any holding back give her my love, even throughout our marriage. Well, over the last 8 months or so, we had several terrible episodes that arose as I became obsessed, like a dark door finally opened up after the long-standing shock wore off and I needed to deal with what happened. This door opened after we saw a movie where the actress took off her clothes to make love and she was covered in bruises – and it gave me a horrible flashback, I am sure like someone who has undergone post-traumatic stress, and all of my emotion, pent up over the years, came out and have not really stopped. The regard that she had for me when she fucked that guy the day before we were going to try to reestablish our relationship finally broke me down. When I asked her about what her room mate said about there having been someone else, of course she denied it and denied it and finally told me there had been someone else as well with whom she had a sexual relationship – oh, just blowjobs, and that really isn’t sex, is it? I feel as if I had a right to know who she had been with – I understand that I didn’t necessarily have the right to know what she did, but it was kind of put all out there for me to literally see by the other guy’s come oozing out of her privates as we made “love”. So, all of this came to a head (pardon the pun) when she finally told me about the guy her room mate was talking about. There is more to this as well, which I won’t burden you with, but I’m sure I’ve given you enough detail to either make you sick, or remind you other poor suffering bastards of your own experiences. I know lots of people imagine their partners had all kinds of delusional sex with all kinds of delusional people – in my case, it really happened and I had to see it with my own eyes. It took 37 years – 37 years – for it to finally come to the forefront of my relationship. My wife has grown into a fine person, but I can not love her. I deeply wish that this had been honestly dealt with before we got married. Sadly, the agony that I’m feeling and have felt off and on for years, is one that I am guessing that share with this group. Please, if you have any advise for how I can move forward and build a new life, I appreciate so much your consideration and hope we all can find peace.

    • grant

      hello Seeker,
      wow i thought mine was tough. I think you have to learn forgiveness of yourself and your wife. We were all young and have regrets from the past. I think you need to replace your RJ thoughts with a mental picture of your loving wife walking down the isle to marry you.
      Unfortunately we dont own anyone or their past. But they chose a new life and you, and to love you wholeheartedly; so work on forgiveness. You can do it.
      my story is pretty tough as well. I thought I married a lovely, beautiful person with a few partners in the past. One night at a party she shared with friends that she was very naughty with her ex husband. I was listenening and asked how so? I had several affairs on him. I guess I didnt really love him when I walked down the isle. She said things were good in the first year and a half, yet she slept with a guy on a holiday trip. Why would you do that when things were good? No answer.
      Then stupidly my curiosity got the better of me and I asked and asked about all the boyfriends and sexual encounters. It was litered with extreme promisciouty and low self esteem. She even had sex with a married boss in the work toilets and then slept with him at the office twice a week when everyone had left. On a holiday to Bali by herself, she had to “hookup” with a guy or she would have been lonely. They had “emotional sex” finding out his wife had died of cancer. When he left she went onto Lombok and started snogging the local Balinese boys. When the plane to come back was delayed by 2 hours she said to the Bali boy find a hotel room and fucked him twice. She was proud of it.
      I was completely gutted and devastated. my world fell apart. we have 2 beautiful kids and 15 great years of marriage. Trying to mentally process this and convince myself that I hadnt married a slapper,I asked did you confuse sex for affection? She said initially I did. When in Adelaide I was naieve then in Sydney I was lonely for the company of men. This calmed me down until one day walking the dogs along a bush track she stopped in mid stride and looked me in the face and said these immortal words. “You know all those guys, all that sex. I enjoyed it. Back then I was hot. I was horny so fucking deal with it. My head was spinning out of control.
      She then proceeded with telling me how she met Tom. While married on her third OS trip she said she was looking to hook up with another guy when overseas. She found someone in the airport bar on the trip back to Australia, and he organised a seat together at the back of the plane for them both. 14 hr flight you can guess what happened. They had sex with him on the plane while others where sleeping. When back in Sydney she would go around to his place and fuck him twice a week, then sleep with her husband on a sunday. How fucked up is that. She talks about it with pride??
      I am Christian so its worse.
      She also got genital warts twice. When I met her at dancing and treated her back she had carpet burns down her spine and I didnt put two and two together.
      I am not proud to say that i have been huddled in the corner crying my eyes out. I am so conflicted and ashamed of the way I feel. I didnt sign up for this.
      I find it very hard to deal with and look at my wife with the same love and adoration. My greatest single regret in life is that i was there at the party when she said she was naughty with her husband. My perfect world is gone.
      I think for you and me, seeker, the path to healing is realising that forgiveness is the key; also we dont own their past; and they chose you and i to spend their new life with.
      Go get her back and apologise. Be the better man. If you apart the same issues and resentment will come again with a new partner. RJ is uncool.
      I sort of need a lot of help myself at the moment. If anyone or girl is listeneing. How do you process this kept secret life? She deliberately didnt tell me and for good reason. She is also kind of proud of her past and “uses” it against me sometimes to make me insecure.
      I feel my old wife was a complete slapper and withheld her past deliberately.
      She says she is totally devoted and hasnt looked sideways at another guy and loves me deeply, to a marriage coucellor Several times I have felt like walking away except for the impact on the kids.
      Please someone, hopefully a womens view can help.
      regards
      grant

      • Leah C

        Hi , I’m a woman and I think seeker definitely seems to have very severe RJ. His wife seems quite devoted to him, but there seems to be a huge lack of open communication. To obsess about something for 37 years but not talk about it has allowed the RJ to get a vice like grip on his very being. Things seem surmountable, if he can address his extreme RJ. However, Grant, sad to say things don’t look so clear cut in your situation. If your wife is belittling you, and using her sexual proclivities to upset you at the current time, this shows a huge disrespect for your feelings. It’s not her past that is necessarily the big problem, it’s her lack of concern for your feelings currently. Some women view men as inferior, as sexual playthings. Which, if communicated originally, then can be rejected or accepted accordingly. But her attitude to your obvious upset seems extremely cold…almost as if she is enjoying you being her cuckold. However, both marriages relayed here definitely would benefit from serious marriage counseling, so you can all communicate , at least. Even if you decide to leave ( and children definitely prefer parents happier apart than miserable together) , marriage counseling will help any split be handled with more ease and respect. Wish you both the best of luck. But I don’t really think the gender of your spouses has anything to do with their behaviour. Some people, male or female, display behaviours that are difficult to understand. Peace.

        • grant

          Hi Leah,
          thankyou for your reply. i love my wife and family dearly and have asked her several times not to go there if i ask questions about her past. its getting easier as i tell myself and repeat to myself i forgive, i accept and i forget. When i get really down i look at our wedding photos. She has looked as well, which is encouraging.
          i dont know why she does go there?.it probably is a power trip. She says she likes having the power over men and often used sex as a way of getting it.
          I think she is in a crisis of conscious, or menipausal mid life crisis; one minute she she says that wasnt me back then and then she says i was hot and horny deal with it. All her life her history suggests low self esteem and looking for someone who would truely love her and thats me. Perhaps she felt comfortable enough to have a confessional; that she is not the princess.
          I feel pretty piss weak not being able to be cool about it and say you know what ?before me doesnt matter. Deep down is the insecurity that she prefers these other guys to me.
          I know i can get to that point back where i love her unconditionally; its just fucking hard and my world has been turned upside down.
          We do communicate and our sex life isnt too bad but she often calls it a chore which is not the word i am looking for.
          Believe me peace is what i want.

          i am not sure what cuckhold means by the way?
          grant

  • Thomas Jacobs

    Interesting

  • Thomas Jacobs

    Me and my beautiful wife have been married 26 years and have 3 great children and 8 grandchildren and have been loving and faithful. When we were dating we briefly talked about our past relationships. She said she had been with between 10 to 15 men and I 11 women. She was married for 2 years and divorced when I met her. At the time I wasn’t bothered and didn’t really care. For 22 years we never discussed it and was never an issue. After I retired from the Army in 2009 I was feeling bored and felt like my best days were behind me maybe a little depressed. I was watching a talk show one evening and the topic was about past sexual experiences. The demon hit me. When my wife got home from work I brought it up after all these years and asked who these men were. She was open and honest. 6 boyfriends 1 husband 6 ONE NIGHT STANDS with guys she met at bars and 1 guy after her divorce. The boyfriends and husband I had no problems with. The 6 ONDs floored me I became angry and obsessive with this. How could a small town beautiful shy girl do something so slutty ? I became very judgmental and said hurtful things to her. I came to a point I was discussted and could not have sex with her or when I did I imagined her injoying cheap sex with them and just couldn’t do it. I wanted to know every detail of the incounters. Anyway the last few years have been up and down and she has stuck it out as she loves me very much. She wishes she would not have done this and feels terrible that she did. I need to move on as I’m really a confident man. Why does this bother me. She has ordered your book. I hope it helps. This is crazy.

    • Zachary

      As long as you put in the necessary work, I’m confident that you’ll find the book helpful. Thanks for the support. Aside from the book, there is a lot of information you might find helpful on this page: https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/faq