Accepting your partner’s past isn’t always so easy.

In fact, accepting your partner’s past is something many men struggle with–myself included, once upon a time.

Thankfully, as I found better relationship role models, my attitude began to change.

In a recent blog post I wrote briefly about the impact Zan Perrion’s work has had on me.

The famed Canadian dating coach, author, and speaker encourages men to celebrate women, appreciate the beauty around us, and to always look at the world with an eye toward having a good time.

This was advice I badly needed when I was struggling with retroactive jealousy.

There are numerous online forums and discussion groups filled with men offering advice on accepting your partner’s past, and specifically, how to deal with your woman’s past.

Only there’s a problem: many of these men really don’t like women. Zan does. And so do I.

Reading Zan’s book The Alabaster Girl had a profound impact on me

The book is part “self-help,” part love letter to women, part rumination on what it means to be a man in the 21st century who loves women, freely and unapologetically. It’s one of my most highly-recommended books for a reason, and if you can get past the occasionally over-the-top language and florid descriptions, it will change the way you see women, and yourself.

Recently, Zan and his team at the Ars Amorata have put together an absolutely wonderful video series, “In Search of the Alabaster Girl.”

In each episode, Zan and friends explore and expand on ideas in the book, and have wide-ranging discussions about women, dating, romance, and seduction.

This is highly recommended viewing for any man, regardless of whether or not you’re in a relationship. The basic skills of seduction are equally important if you’re single, dating, or married. And the basic skill of loving women is enormously important if you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy.

There was one discussion in the series about accepting your partner’s past which I found particularly moving:

What a beautiful, badly needed message to put out into the world.

For most of us, retroactive jealousy does not signal a conflict in values.

And thus, in each moment, we have the power to let the past have power over us, or not. To judge, or not, to accept, or not. To love, or not.

What will you choose?

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.