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In today’s video, I discuss what it means to avoid love to avoid retroactive jealousy—and whether that mindset truly helps you heal
Read or watch below to learn strategies for navigating the mindset of trying to avoid love to avoid retroactive jealousy.
Zachary Stockill: If you’re a man dealing with retroactive jealousy, and you’ve faced it in more than one relationship, it can be tempting to think, “You know what? I’m done with women…
“I’m done with relationships and commitment—because every time I let someone in, I end up getting hurt.”
So you might think, “I’ll just keep things casual from now on—maybe for the rest of my life.”
If that thought has ever crossed your mind and you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, today’s video is for you.
My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve helped thousands of men and women around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.
If you’d like to learn more about my work or work with me one-on-one, please click here.
Retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts—often obsessive curiosity or what I call “mental movies”—about your partner’s past relationships or sexual history.
Unfortunately, if you’re someone who tends to struggle with retroactive jealousy, chances are you’ll keep facing it in multiple relationships—unless you make a real commitment to overcome it for good.
The truth is, many people never reach that point. And sadly, a lot of men in particular don’t.
Sometimes, especially if they’ve been influenced by intense or extreme red pill content, they might say, “I struggle with retroactive jealousy—and it’s not my fault. It’s because of modern women.”
They start to believe that all modern women are the problem.
So they decide, “I’ll date, I’ll have fun, but I’m keeping it casual for the rest of my life.”
This was the comment I received on my YouTube channel—the one that inspired today’s video.
I’ll read it briefly: “The best thing to do is never take a woman seriously. Retroactive jealousy will not be an issue if you don’t take them seriously. Just date them and nothing more.”
Okay, so here’s my first point: if you’re truly happy and thriving in your current situation—great.
Honestly, I mean that. If what you’re doing works for you, I’m genuinely happy for you. I’ve always said I’m a libertarian at heart: you do you, I’ll do me.
As long as we’re not infringing on each other’s freedom or causing harm, that’s what matters.
My job isn’t to tear anyone down or tell you how to live your life.
If you genuinely want to keep things casual for the rest of your life and you’re truly happy with that choice, I fully support that. No judgment.
That said, the comment I just shared might’ve been from a red pill troll—because, let’s be honest, you see that mindset a lot in the red pill space.
“Modern women are all this, modern women are all that. So I’m just gonna keep things casual for the rest of my life.”
That’s the mindset some guys fall into. And again, if that lifestyle truly works for you, and you’re not hurting anyone else—I mean it—I’m happy for you.
Seriously. And I know I say this a lot, but it’s worth repeating because it’s important.
Sometimes, walking away really is the best choice for everyone involved.
If you meet someone and there are clear red flags, or your values just don’t line up, it might be healthier for both of you to part ways.
In some cases, letting go isn’t just right for you—it’s the best thing for her, too.
So I’m not here to judge that choice. But I do have to say—if you believe that all women are the problem, that’s on you.
Just like I’d tell a woman who says, “All men are the problem,” the same thing applies.
I’m sorry, but that mindset is something you have to own.
Jordan Peterson introduced this idea to me, and I think it’s a powerful one.
Because here’s the truth—men and women sometimes fall into the trap of blaming the entire opposite sex.
Some men condemn all women. Some women condemn all men.
But that kind of thinking just doesn’t hold up.
People are incredibly diverse.
Yes, there may be certain trends or patterns we can talk about, sure.
But if you’re out here saying “all women are X,” then the issue isn’t with women—it’s with you.
It’s not necessarily about all modern women.
Let’s play devil’s advocate for a second.
If you’ve been struggling with retroactive jealousy in multiple relationships, I completely understand the thought process: “Maybe serious relationships just aren’t for me. I’ll keep things casual because I don’t want to deal with this kind of pain anymore.”
That reaction makes sense—at least on the surface.
You might think, “I haven’t found a way to deal with it, so I’ll just keep things casual for the rest of my life.”
Okay—let’s say you do that. What are you giving up? What’s the upside? Well, you could say the positive is, “I’ll never have to struggle with retroactive jealousy again.”
And if that genuinely feels like the only way you can cope, then sure—maybe that’s what makes sense for you.
Good for you—if that works, then that’s your choice.
But let’s be honest: what are you losing in that scenario? What are you giving up? What might you be missing out on?
Honestly, I could spend hours listing it all.
You’d be missing out on deep intimacy.
You’d be missing out on the experience of truly opening up to someone—of bearing your soul to another human being.
And yeah, you’d probably be missing out on the greatest sex of your life, too.
I mean, I could go on and on about this—the benefits of a truly great, committed relationship are endless.
And I’m sure many of you watching are nodding along because you know it’s true.
There’s just no substitute for deep, intimate connection in a strong, monogamous partnership.
Of course, on the flip side, a bad relationship can absolutely wreck your life. No question there.
But a great relationship? That can elevate your life in ways you can’t even imagine.
Sure, by avoiding commitment, you might avoid retroactive jealousy—and on some level, that might feel like relief.
But in doing that, you’d also be missing out on some of the most meaningful, fulfilling experiences life has to offer through a deep, committed connection with someone who truly sees you.
So you need to ask yourself honestly—do I really want to make that trade-off? Is that truly the only solution I can see right now?
And just to be clear, choosing to be alone can absolutely be a great choice.
I’ve spent long stretches of time—especially in my twenties—happily single, casually dating, and genuinely enjoying life.
There’s nothing wrong with that path if it brings you peace and fulfillment.
I didn’t really want to be in a committed relationship at that time, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making that choice.
Sometimes, choosing to be single can be absolutely fantastic.
But feeling like it’s your only option? That’s a different story—and a much less appealing one.
The key is whether being alone is something you’re actively choosing from a place of strength, not something you’ve settled for out of fear or frustration.
If that choice feels right for you—if it aligns with your goals during this season of your life—then fantastic.
More power to you.
But ask yourself honestly: do you really want to go through the rest of your life feeling like it’s your only option?
I don’t think most people do. And above all, remember this—men and women have been coming together, forming bonds, and building relationships for millennia.
Pair bonding has been part of the human experience since the beginning.
And that’s not going to change anytime soon.
There’s simply no replacement for the benefits that come with a long-term, committed relationship—no matter what form that relationship takes.
The real value lies in connecting deeply with another person and sharing a meaningful bond through life.
Nothing else quite compares to that.
I truly thank God for the committed relationships I’ve been lucky enough to experience so far in my life.
And let me be clear—those relationships weren’t perfect. There were definitely painful moments.
But the benefits far, far outweighed the drawbacks.
So if you’re considering the path of swearing off relationships and choosing to stay single for the rest of your life, I mean it—God bless.
I hope you find happiness in whatever path you choose.
I really do hope the best for you.
But at the same time, I’d encourage you to consider that there are other options.
You can beat retroactive jealousy—it is possible.
Check out the success stories section—you’ll see real people who’ve overcome this and come out stronger.
These are people who recognized they had a problem, made the commitment to overcome it, and are now enjoying the rewards of that work.
You don’t have to live with retroactive jealousy if you don’t want to—it’s possible to move past it.
But maybe it’s time to try something different—to challenge some of the thought patterns that, honestly, are probably holding you back.
If you’d like more information about my work, or you’d like to work with me one on one, please visit this page.
