In today’s video, I’m going to talk about how to handle the advanced stages of overcoming retroactive jealousy when you encounter “bumps in the road.”

So, how are you going to deal with a bad day with retroactive jealousy?

Zachary Stockill: If you’ve started putting in the work, made the commitment, started putting in the effort required to beat retroactive jealousy, you’re starting to make progress. This is for you. This is not for newbies.

So if you’re in the advanced stages of overcoming retroactive jealousy and you encounter a bump in the road, the main message I want to convey is you’re not alone. This happens to the best of us. This happens to many people who have started putting in the work toward overcoming retroactive jealousy. And this happens to the rest of us.

And for many of us, this represented kind of the final challenge in our journey to beat retroactive jealousy for good. It’s been many years since I struggled with retroactive jealousy. But I remember this period quite well. Occasionally I’d have a bad day, a bad hour, or sometimes a bad 10 minutes, I’d have these moments where it seemed like I was stumbling in bed, I get an intrusive thought about my then girlfriend’s past.

What I’m about to share in this video helped me put everything in perspective, and helped me power through these bumps in the road.

These strategies have also helped 1000s of students in my online course, Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast. This has helped many of my students not to mention hundreds of one on one coaching clients kind of put the final nail in the coffin of their retroactive jealousy.

The fact that you’re noticing that you’re having a bad hour, a bad day, or something random comes up and you have that pang in your stomach randomly out of nowhere, is actually a great sign. The fact that this moment is an aberration, is a good sign because it means that this moment has been preceded by how many weeks or how many months perhaps, or how many hours of really good times positive momentum.

Retroactive jealousy is in the rearview mirror, not something you have to worry about anymore.

You’re feeling good, you’re feeling peaceful. Hopefully, you’re starting to repair your relationship with your spouse and you’re getting a handle on your brain. And all of a sudden the intrusive thoughts and mental movies aren’t the concern that they once are.

In other words, things have been feeling really good. And that’s the only reason you’re realizing they’re having a challenging day, an afternoon, or whatever the case may be. So congratulate yourself. The fact that you’re having this bad time is a good sign that you’re having this good time. Hopefully will help you realize all the progress you’ve been making already.

Having a bad day or a bad hour with retroactive jealousy is not the end of the world. This does not negate all the progress you’ve made over the preceding days, weeks, months. This is not to suggest that that’s all for naught and doesn’t matter and so unimportant because all of a sudden, you’re having a bad hour.

The most important thing for you to realize is that you’ve made a hell of a lot of progress. That’s a good thing. Give yourself a pat on the back.

All it’s gonna take is a few more tweaks and a little more dedication moving forward. And I’m sure you can beat retroactive jealousy for good.

So ask yourself in the midst of this bump in the road, what has been working? What have I been doing, thinking, practicing during all the good days that have preceded this particularly challenging day?

Is there a certain new perspective or a thought reframe, a guided meditation, an exercise, or any kind of practice that has been making a difference lately? What has been the common denominator in all of your good days? And if you are honest with yourself, and you look back with a fine-tooth comb try to get a handle on what has been helping and what has been working.

Pretty soon, this should become obvious. Maybe you had a certain perspective, or certain reframe that was really making a difference in making you feel calm and helping you gain peace of mind. Maybe one of my guided meditations hit the spot. And maybe you need to go back and revisit that guided meditation. Maybe there’s a certain lecture in my online course, Going Over Your Partner’s Past Fast, that is making a big difference might be time to go back and revisit that.

Take a morning jog, or have a five-minute silent meditation, whatever it is, everyone’s different. But I would guarantee that something you’re doing is making a difference, it might be worthwhile to get clear about that and rededicate yourself to this exercise, prospective practice.

I’d also encourage you to get creative about changing your physical state because changing your physical state will absolutely impact your mental state.

Doing something with your body that makes you feel good. This can be as simple as taking a walk around the block, moving your body, moving your limbs getting up from your desk, getting the blood flowing.

One of the big reasons why I advocate for exercise so often is because I have way too much evidence over the years of doing this work, not to mention my own personal life, that it works. Some people hear the term exercise and they get kind of scared off. Do something that is moving your body that’s changing your physical state. There are all kinds of evidence that proves how valuable exercise mobility can be when it comes to overcoming things like anxiety and depression. And regardless of whether or not you want to categorize your own retroactive jealousy as a mental disorder, the point is moving your body helps your mental state.

So do something physical, this can be big or small. Something you enjoy. Try to change your physical state and don’t buy into the lie of depression, the lie of anxiety.

I think the great lie of depression, is the idea that things will always be the same. I’m always going to feel this way. I’m going to have these demons or I’m always going to have these intrusive thoughts. Or, I’m always going to feel this way about my partner’s past. All these sentences that we sort of reinforcing ourselves are based on this completely illogical notion that things will always be the same.

And the reason this is so crazy is that change is the only constant in human life.

However, you’re feeling right now. However, low you’re feeling. This will pass. All things must pass. You will not feel this way forever. And if you can get creative about changing up your routine, doing something physical recommitting to practice or exercise before can be helpful. If you can commit to changing being aware of your options, being aware of the fact that you have options at any moment to change your mental state and physical state not submitting to the darkness not submitting to the faulty notion that you’re always going to feel this way.

Maintain positivity maintain optimism. Maintain awareness of your options, and I’m sure you’re going to power through this bump in the road just like the rest of us do.

One day soon you’ll realize these bumps in the road are a thing of the past. Retroactive jealousy is in the rearview mirror permanently. You don’t have to worry about them anymore. Power through this bump in the road and sooner or later the road will become much smoother as it was before.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.