“I’m Worried My Boyfriend Talks To His Ex:” What to Do [VIDEO]

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Today’s email comes from a reader who worries her boyfriend talks to his ex.

Amber’s worry around the fact that her boyfriend talks to his ex appears to be largely a result of past trauma. Amber writes:

I was cheated on in past relationships over social media and past exes being ‘dodgy’ and talking to exes behind my back. This has now caused me to become obsessed with my current boyfriend’s past relationships and I’m terrified he’s going to do the same. Am I being crazy, or is this retroactive jealousy/paranoia? And can this feeling of inadequacy go away?

Zachary Stockill: I’ll answer your last question first. The good news is this feeling of inadequacy as you call it, can absolutely go away.

What you’re struggling with is something that millions of people around the world struggle with. And, with the right tools, with the right practices, with the right perspectives, and with a bit of focused self-interrogation, you can absolutely move past this.

So you’re certainly not alone here.

This kind of thing–being worried about the fact that your boyfriend talks to his ex–happens a lot and you can absolutely heal from this.

So basically what you’re struggling with is something that psychotherapists call transference. And, there’s a very, very good book that I’d strongly encourage you to read. It’s called When the Past is Present by David Richo.

I’ll read a couple of passages from that book that can hopefully help give you a sense of what this issue is and how people approach it.

Richo writes:

Transference is essentially a compulsion to return to our past in order to clear up emotionally backlogged business.

So in essence what he’s saying here is if there’s unresolved muck from our past. Whether it’s conflicts or pain or anger or regret or all these things, there’s a story that we’re telling ourselves about our past subconsciously that is causing us to project our past onto people in our present.

We’re all guilty of this from time to time. I certainly have been, just about everyone in relationships probably has been at one time or another.

What you’re struggling with is very, very common and the key component of what Richo writes here, and I liked the way he put this, “Emotionally backlogged business.”

So in essence, if you want to overcome this transference, the first thing is just to simply be conscious of when you’re doing this, when you’re transferring, when you are projecting your past onto your present.

So in the moment, if you feel suspicious about your boyfriend looking at his exes on social media or whatever, and you realize that your concern is baseless, that your boyfriend isn’t being sketchy or anything like that, just be conscious of the fact that “I’m projecting. This is transference. This is not reality. I’m projecting a vision of my ex maybe onto my boyfriend and my boyfriend is not my ex. He’s a different individual with different motives, different backstory, and he’s a different person.”

Try to be conscious of it in the moment.

But the real work begins when you start to clear up what David Richo writes here about “emotionally backlogged business.”

So clearing up this emotionally backlogged business for you. A practice that I really like is writing a letter I’ll never send.

So someone from your past that you have some anger toward or some negative feelings about or some frustration or confusion, just write them a long letter. Say everything you want to say, be completely upfront, and don’t censor yourself at all.

And then you can just put it aside. Some people like to burn it as a kind of ritual.t.

Record your feelings, record your emotions, and try to sort of get them onto the page as much as possible. That can really help.

Another practice that can really help is talking to a therapist or a coach. Digging into your trust issues and your projection issues. And, why your ex-boyfriend hurt you so much and how you can learn to build trust with another.

This can be an extended process and this is where a great therapist or a great coach can really come in handy. But, basically, I want to stress that you’re going to have to do the work at some point to overcome this emotionally backlogged business or you’ll keep engaging in this process of projection and transference.

And it’s possible that you’ll end up sabotaging either your current relationship or your next relationship if your paranoid about the fact that your boyfriend talks to his ex.

So it’s important for you to start doing the work of digging into your emotionally backlogged business. And, that’s really going to help you start healing much faster.

You also asked, “Are you being crazy?” Well, no, this is pretty common.

If you’ve been burned before, it’s quite rational to be worried about being burned in the future. So you’re not crazy.

“Or is this retroactive jealousy/paranoia?” I would definitely put this in the category of retroactive jealousy and a great common theme in healing from retroactive jealousy is getting clear about your insecurities and taking active steps to confront and challenges those insecurities and work so they’re not insecurities anymore.

So in addition to dealing with your emotionally backlogged business as David Richo recommends, I would strongly encourage you to start digging into your insecurities and asking yourself why am I threatened by these people? Trying to convince yourself everything you have to offer your partner, why he’d be a fool to give that up, getting very, very clear about that.

So basically all of these principles, all of these practices, and each one of these components is going to be really important for you in your healing, I think, and the quicker you get started on that, the better.

Click here to learn more about getting past your partner’s past, and overcoming retroactive jealousy.