Breaking Up Because Of Your Partner's Past? [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I discuss breaking up because of your partner’s past

Read or watch below if you’re considering breaking up because of your partner’s past.

Zachary Stockill: If you are struggling with intrusive thoughts about your partner’s past or have questions about their values based on past decisions, it’s likely you’ve wondered if it’s time to break up.

In today’s video, I’m going to share four thoughts or questions for anyone considering breaking up with their partner because of retroactive jealousy.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve helped thousands of men and women from around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.

If you’d like to work with me one-on-one or want more information about my work, please visit this link.

For those here for the first time, the term ‘retroactive jealousy’ refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and sometimes what I call ‘mental movies’ about your partner’s past relationships or sexual history.

Some viewers seem to think that I believe retroactive jealousy is always 100% irrational, meaning that the past is nothing that the sufferer should actually be concerned about.

But, as I often say on this channel and elsewhere, that’s not true.

Sometimes, retroactive jealousy can be considered rational. In other words, if you can’t stop thinking about your partner’s past, it might indicate that something deeply troubling is going on.

There could be serious issues with your partner’s character, significant incompatibilities in the relationship, or a lack of shared values. These are all distinct possibilities.

This isn’t always the case, and it doesn’t describe the majority of situations I encounter in one-on-one coaching.

However, sometimes retroactive jealousy is rational, and breaking up might be the right thing to do.

But, as you might have guessed, it isn’t always the best choice for someone suffering from retroactive jealousy.

If you are struggling with retroactive jealousy and considering breaking up with your partner because of it or because of events in their past, here are four questions I would pose to you.

My first suggestion is to try something I call ‘best friend exercise.’ What is the best friend exercise?

First, think about your best friend. Hopefully, most people watching this have a best friend who comes to mind immediately.

If you don’t have a best friend, think of someone you are very close to, someone who shares many of your values and interests.

Now, with that person in mind, imagine that they are going through the exact same experience you are facing.

Imagine they are in the same kind of relationship with a similar partner who has a similar past.

Let’s say your friend is experiencing the same retroactive jealousy and having the same feelings about their partner’s past that you are having about your partner’s past.

In essence, let’s say your friend is in the same situation as you.

Imagine your friend coming to you for guidance, opening up about their relationship, their partner’s past, and all their complicated feelings about it.

Now, let’s say they ask you for advice.

Let’s say they come to you and ask, ‘What should I do in this situation?’

As you listen, imagine they are seeking your advice. What do you tell them? What is your advice?

This is someone you care about, someone you likely share many philosophies and values with.

What advice would you give this person? What would you tell your best friend who is going through the exact same scenario you are facing now?

Sometimes, this exercise can be very helpful in clarifying our own situation. When we think about our best friends, we often realize we share many common outlooks and goals with them.

It can be helpful to look at ourselves from an outside perspective, and this exercise is a good way to do that. It allows us to think about our situation with more clarity and perspective.

You can journal about this or meditate on it, but consider the advice you would give your best friend if they were in the same situation as you.

My second question, or tip, if you’re considering leaving your relationship because of retroactive jealousy, is to ask yourself: Are you absolutely sure the grass will be greener on the other side?

I mention this because, quite often, people in relationships fantasize about having the perfect relationship.

Or maybe they project all kinds of unrealistic expectations onto someone they have a crush on outside of their relationship.

Or perhaps they subconsciously go on social media, see someone oversharing about their relationship on Instagram, and think, ‘Wow, I wish I had a relationship like that…’

That kind of thinking is very common nowadays, in these strange times of social media. But the point is, ask yourself: Am I sure the grass will be greener on the other side?

Because the truth is, in these complicated times we live in, just about everyone you date is going to have some sort of past.

Their past might be more colorful than your partner’s, or it might be less colorful. But chances are, they will have a past.

Often, retroactive jealousy follows people into new relationships until they put in the work to overcome it for good.

In other words, you might think that your struggle with your partner’s past is unique to this relationship.

But if you break up and start a new relationship, guess what?

Retroactive jealousy will likely return if you care just as much about this new person.

Now again, sometimes retroactive jealousy can be rational. There can be genuine red flags in the relationship, and sometimes, it is time to move on.

But before you make that decision, take the time to really think about this: Am I absolutely sure the grass will be greener on the other side?

In other words, am I absolutely sure, or at least 99 percent sure, that my issues with my partner’s past are due to genuine incompatibilities? Are you certain that your partner does not share your values? And are you sure that this retroactive jealousy problem won’t follow you into your next relationship?

My next suggestion is another very important one.

If you’re considering leaving your partner due to retroactive jealousy, ask yourself: Are you willing to walk away and bear all of the consequences?

This is crucial. When I talk about all of the consequences, I mean that many people, particularly men, often think that if they break up with their partner and later regret it, they can still get back together.

They think she’ll be waiting for them or won’t move on right away. They believe that they can always return to their partner if things don’t work out, if they feel lonely, or if their next relationship isn’t as good.

The truth is that it rarely works out.

First, I believe that when you break up with someone, something sacred is broken.

The best analogy I’ve heard is that a relationship is like a plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you might be able to glue it back together, but it will never be exactly the same.

And obviously, if you keep dropping it and glueing it back together, it gets messy, and soon it’s not a plate anymore—just a mess.

Now, of course, I understand that sometimes breaking up and getting back together can work out well for some couples.

And hooray for that, I think that’s great. But I believe that represents the minority of cases.

Essentially, when you break up with someone, it’s a big deal, and chances are you won’t be able to put it back together again.

Also, remember that your partner is likely to move on faster than you realize.

That’s just the way it goes. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but if you’re breaking up with someone and thinking you can always get back together, quite often, that’s not the case.

Frequently, when someone is rejected, they say, ‘To hell with you,’ and move on rather quickly.

So, as you consider whether to break up with your partner or stay with them, don’t give yourself a ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Don’t tell yourself that you can get back together later on because you may not be able to.

And finally, my most important point: if you’re considering breaking up with your partner due to retroactive jealousy, it’s crucial to get crystal clear on whether this is a ‘you’ problem or a ‘them’ problem.

When I say a ‘you’ problem, I mean that if you’ve been in three different relationships with three different people at different times in your life, and you struggle with retroactive jealousy in each one, well, guess what?

That’s probably your problem. It’s not something you can blame on your partner or on not sharing the same values.

On the other hand, if your current girlfriend or boyfriend has cheated on three of their past four partners, and their history as serial cheaters is what’s bothering you, well, guess what?

I would say that’s not entirely irrational. In fact, it’s pretty rational to be somewhat wary about moving forward with that person.

That’s an example of what I would call a ‘them’ problem, not a ‘you’ problem. So you catch my drift. It’s absolutely essential that you sort through this question.

Is this retroactive jealousy I’m experiencing a ‘me’ problem or a ‘them’ problem?

Now, if you’ll permit me a shameless plug:

Last year, I recorded an all-new video masterclass called ‘The Path to Peace.’ It features various videos, exercises, and meditations that are not available in my other online courses.

They’re not available on this YouTube channel.

I created ‘The Path to Peace’ as a video masterclass for people struggling with this very question—wondering if their retroactive jealousy is rational or not and whether they should leave their relationship because of it.

It’s a lot cheaper than coaching. I made it much more affordable than one-on-one coaching so that anyone can access these tools and perspectives.

Many hundreds of people have already found the course very helpful. If you would like information on my all-new masterclass, ‘The Path to Peace,’ which can help you make such an important decision, click this link.

Again, many have found it truly liberating.

You can get access to the course here.