In today’s video, I’m going to share a technique that’s going to help you power through difficult moments with retroactive jealousy.

Read or watch below to learn more about how to deal with difficult moments with retroactive jealousy.

Zachary Stockill: If you clicked to watch this video today, chances are good you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy. And if you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, chances are good that it’s bad a lot of the time, but it isn’t necessarily debilitating 100% of the time. 

In today’s brief video, I’m going to share a technique that you can use that is going to help you power through those difficult moments. It is going to give you the best possible chance to put retroactive jealousy behind you for good as soon as possible. 

For the people who are watching my channel for the first time: the term retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call “mental movies” about your partner’s past relationships and/or dating or sexual history.

And when you struggle with retroactive jealousy at the extreme end of things, which was certainly true for me…

It can often feel like your entire life is consumed by painful, unwanted intrusive thoughts about your partner’s past. 

difficult moments with retroactive jealousy

But even if you’re at the extreme end of things, there’s a good chance that you experience fleeting moments of clarity. Certain moments when you’re feeling calm, you’re feeling grounded, and you see things a little more clearly. There’s a good chance that you have at least some of these moments.

If you are struggling with retroactive jealousy at the extreme end of things: it’s time to try something different. Now, I’m not necessarily telling you what that “different” should look like. But I’m reminded of that famous expression, “If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting.”

It’s time to try something new. 

Maybe that involves signing up for a program like mine, or someone else’s. Maybe that involves signing up for one-on-one coaching with me or someone else. Or maybe that involves booking a therapy session and finding a good therapist in your area. Whatever that looks like for you, it’s time to try something new. 

But anyway, back to the subject of today’s video:

So you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy at the extreme end of things. But you probably have fleeting moments of clarity. And the exercise that I wanted to recommend in today’s video is pretty simple…

If you do have one of those moments of clarity, even if it’s just an hour or so, the first step is to find a quiet place where you can be alone. 

So go to a coffee shop or find a room in your house where no one’s going to disturb you. Find a place where you can be alone and relatively undisturbed. 

Next, pull out some paper and a pen. 

And by the way, when I say paper and a pen, I mean paper and a pen, I don’t mean a note on your phone or typing on a laptop. I mean actual paper and pen. 

Next, you may want to take a few minutes to just meditate and calm yourself. Take a few moments to calm and ground yourself.

And then take a few moments, take half an hour maybe, to write your future self a letter. And when I say “write a letter,” I mean write a letter. Like if I was doing this, I’d say “Dear future Zach…” or something like that.

I want you to write a letter describing exactly how you feel in this calm moment; any conclusions you’ve come, to any perspectives you have right now, when you’re feeling calm, about your partner’s past.

So later, in certain difficult moments with retroactive jealousy, you can pull out your letter and gain quick clarity about what’s really important in your life and your relationship. You might have a little more clarity about what your partner’s past really “means,” in the grand scheme of things. In these calm moments, you may be trusting your partner’s words and their reassurance more than you have in the past.

You can even write down something that your partner said to you recently that you found particularly grounding, particularly comforting, particularly reassuring. The point is,:think about how you’re feeling right now. Think about how you see things right now, and how you see retroactive jealousy. How you see your partner’s past, how you see your future, how you see your relationship. 

Take a moment when you’re feeling good to write to your future self in order to remind you of all of these insights.

difficult moments with retroactive jealousy

Because if you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, unfortunately, there’s a good chance that at some point in the near future, you’re going to need this letter. When you have difficult moments with retroactive jealousy, you’re going to need to remind yourself of all this clarity. All these perspectives, all this insight that you’ve arrived at.

You may need it when you’re feeling stressed, you’re feeling agitated, in one of those difficult moments with retroactive jealousy

So later on if or when you’re having a challenging moment, you can pull out the letter that you wrote yourself back when you were feeling good. Get yourself to a quiet place. Take a few breaths, and simply read, pause, and reflect on these words that your past self wrote to you, however, many weeks or months ago.

You can use this moment to reflect on the wisdom of your more rational, calmer self. 

Remember the wisdom. Remember the perspectives that you arrived at when you were feeling calm and grounded.

Now, I can’t lie to you. I’m not suggesting that this is going to instantaneously solve your problem. It probably will not work like that.

But I would imagine, if only for a few brief moments, this exercise is going to help you regain at least some of that calm that you had back when you wrote the letter. It’s a nice little reminder to yourself that different perspectives are available to you. A different version of you is possible. 

And this letter to your future self can be a good, visceral reminder of that. And it can provide some comfort and clarity in moments when you need it most.

If you need help with retroactive jealousy, check out my online course “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast”, or consider applying for one-on-one coaching with me.


Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of RetroactiveJealousy.com, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.