In today’s video, I respond to a viewer question: “Why do women have more success on dating apps than men?”
Read or watch below to hear my response to the question “Why do women have more dating options than men?”
Zachary Stockill: I received an interesting email lately from a viewer of this channel asking me a question on my opinion about the “battle between the sexes,” and why, specifically, women seem to have more success on dating apps as compared to men.
Okay, so a viewer named B writes:
Would you be willing to do a video on your perspectives of men versus women on dating apps, and the success one has when it comes to options and abundant success against the other?
I feel that females have a lot more success on dating apps. Not that I begrudge them this, but it seems they will never have a shortage of guys willing to hook up. Whereas men need to endlessly swipe and compete just to get a conversation going, never mind securing an actual date.
I believe it’s a hard truth that if more guys accept, then perhaps retroactive jealousy, and especially retroactive envy, might not be so strong for them.
Thanks. Okay, B. That is quite a question. And there’s a lot going on here. I almost don’t know where to start. But I would start here:
If you are one of these guys who’s obsessed with “fairness,” when it comes to the sexual marketplace, business, or anything else, you’re destined for a life of endless frustration.
The world isn’t fair. Fairness doesn’t exist in any area of life.
Do women have certain advantages, especially when they’re young, on the dating apps like Tinder and Bumble and all the rest? Absolutely.
They’ve done a lot of research on this. Most men have to swipe way more on those apps to get a match compared to women. Women are much choosier when it comes to when they swipe right. Women are much more choosy when it comes to who they agree to chat with on these apps. Absolutely. There’s a lot of data to back that up.
Why is this? Well, there are a lot of reasons for this. But one of them involves a term called hypergamy, which you’ve probably heard of. It’s very, very popular in the “red pill” world. And it basically means that women date across and up dominance/competency hierarchies.
In general, women want to date a man who’s better educated, who makes more money, who’s good-looking, you know, all the rest. Women have a lot of standards when it comes to when they’re swiping right on these apps. Whereas men–I’m sure it won’t surprise you to learn–are much less choosy, for the most part, on these apps.
Men are swiping right on just about everyone. If she looks okay, he’s probably going to swipe right.
This is leading to a situation where a tiny minority of guys are getting most of the matches on dating apps. And you can rail against this and call it unfair, and all the rest, but it simply is what it is.
It is this way for some complicated reasons that are deep-seated in human biology and our evolution as a species and intersexual dynamics. And it isn’t going to change anytime soon.
As long as human beings remain human beings–unless we merge with robots or something–this dynamic is not going to change. Women are choosier than men when it comes to sex and dating.
So you might think that really stinks. “Young women have endless dating options. And that’s just unfair…”
Here’s the brutal truth when it comes to this question of fairness in the dating market: around the age of 30, it switches. All of a sudden, men have the competitive advantage when it comes to dating, at least if you’re a guy with his act together. In other words, if you make decent money, if you take decent care of yourself by around the age of 30.
Eventually, this situation switches and men actually have a distinct advantage.
So young women, particularly women in their 20s, have an abundance of dating options across the sexual marketplace. But around their 30s, those options start to shrink.
Whereas for men, in general, our options actually increase because not only are we connecting with women our own ages, but in general, women tend to prefer guys or at least a few years older than them. So obviously this opens up a wide array of options.
I’m not saying any of this is right or wrong, by the way, or good or bad.
It simply is what it is. These are the economics of the sexual marketplace.
For any guy who’s feeling resentful, if you feel like you need more dating experience. If you feel like you need more sexual experience with other women, if you need more time to figure out your options and figure out who you are and what you want when it comes to dating and relationships… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that whatsoever.
And if you come to that conclusion, you owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your partner as well, to end the relationship in the kindest, most gentle, most respectful way possible. Go out and be single for a while and learn whatever it is you need to learn, discover whatever you need to discover.
What I think is wrong, and what I don’t have a lot of time or respect for, are those guys who feel that sense of anger or envy or resentment, and instead of acting on it, instead of making that decision, instead of letting their partner find someone else could be a better match for her, they stay, resentfully.
They’re often snide with their partner, and they make little mean comments. And they’re kind of stewing in their own anger and resentment because…
They like the girl. They like the sex. And they’re afraid of giving that up for an uncertain single life…
But they don’t have the courage to actually break up like they should, and go out and be single and figure out whatever they need to figure out.
I’m not saying this is an easy decision for men. I know it’s not. I’ve been in several relationships where I was the one who broke up, and it’s never an easy decision.
But what’s worse, I think, is wasting a woman’s time. Realizing that you’re never going to marry this woman, you’re not truly committed. You haven’t truly given her your heart, but you’re afraid of being alone, so you stay in the relationship. I think that’s a terrible thing to do for everyone involved. It does you a disservice, and it’s a disservice to your partner as well. She deserves better, and so do you.
Some more good news for men watching this video. We, men, have a distinct competitive advantage over women. I don’t even like framing it that way. Because it’s not about men versus women. The battle between the sexes is a pernicious myth. We’re complementary to each other, we’re not adversarial…
But that said:
Men have a clear advantage. Because we are judged less harshly on our looks, compared to women.
I’m not saying looks don’t matter to women. That’s not what I’m suggesting.
But I would say looks are less important to women than they are to men.
I have a wealth of single female friends. And I’ve had very candid conversations with every girlfriend I’ve ever had, every woman I’ve ever dated. Here’s more great news for men:
I can’t stress this point enough: the “bar” for men in the dating market is already low. Most men lack ambition. They lack goals. They don’t hold good conversations. They’re lousy in bed. I mean, let’s call a spade a spade here…
Most guys don’t bring a lot to a woman’s table, so to speak. Most guys aren’t really bringing much value into that relationship. I realize you could say the same about many women, I agree.
But what I’m saying here is: if you’re a guy, and you want to improve your odds in the dating market, in the sexual marketplace, there’s a bunch that you can do.
If you’re like me, someone who struggled with his weight his whole life, you can put in the work to lose weight. You can become more interesting, become a better conversationalist. You can watch a bunch of stand-up comedy and get a better comedic feel.
And you can learn how to be a great lover.
That’s probably the highest return on your investment right there.
Because even just learning about how to be a great lover gives you a tremendous amount of sexual confidence and a tremendous amount of confidence whenever you’re dating. I could go on about this for a long time.
But my point is: if you’re a guy, and you’re feeling frustrated by your options on the apps or whatever, start putting in the work. Start taking the steps to improve your value. You can start taking the steps to improve and believe me, things will start changing.
And if you think it’s all roses for women on these dating apps, it’s not. There are a lot of creepy predatory guys out there. Dating for women is really, really hard. Don’t buy into the fallacious notion that dating for men is hard, but for women it’s easy. Just because women have a lot of potential dating options doesn’t mean that most of those options are good.
And I’m sure most women, if they’re being honest with you, will tell you the same thing. Above all, we’re in a very strange period of intersexual dynamics right now. We’re still lingering in the hangover of the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the 1970s.
Things are complicated. Things are messy. And we’re all trying to figure this stuff out.
I would argue, on the whole, the dating apps are doing more harm than good. So cut yourself a little slack, and I would also say cut women a little slack, if things aren’t working out as perfectly as you wish.
Focus on yourself, focus on self-improvement, and don’t settle. If you aren’t getting the results you like on the dating apps, or in any other area of life, own that problem 100%. And do whatever you need to do to change it.
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