In today’s video, I’m answering an email from Samil.

Have you ever asked yourself this question… “Does My Girlfriend Compare Me to Her Ex?”

Samil writes…

Does our partner compare our sexual performance with their ex mentally?

Zachary Stockill: The obvious answer is, I have no idea. Because I don’t know your relationship. I don’t know you. And most importantly, I don’t know your partner. However, my hunch says, no.

And here’s why…

How often are you comparing your current partner to your ex? Personally speaking, with every relationship I’ve entered, I’m not going around all the time comparing my current partner to my ex. Of course, there are moments where you notice differences and you notice trends.

does my girlfriend compare me to her ex

But in bed, if I’m having a good time with my partner, I’m not mentally comparing them to my ex. Especially if you’re someone like me, who hopefully, every relationship you enter, you’re finding people who are better suited to you.

You’re learning more about what you want and what you don’t want.

And hopefully, your partner feels the same. They feel like they’re moving forward in life. They’re getting to know themselves, their needs, boundaries, and desires better.

And thus, hopefully, we’re both kind of moving along and moving up in the world as we date

So what I’m saying here is, if you’re with someone who’s telling you… “You’re the best for me, our sex life is amazing. I’m so glad to be with you”. You have to trust them. Trust their taste and the choice they’re making when they’re choosing you.

So many retroactive jealousy sufferers fall into this habit of constantly questioning their partner’s devotion and attraction to them.

And if there are genuine issues in your relationship, for example, if your partner is genuinely not attracted to you, if you have a really mediocre or perhaps even nonexistent sex life, these are very serious problems that might indicate that you’re both in the wrong relationship.

If you keep on asking this question, “does my girlfriend compare me to her ex?” Then you’d both be better served by being with different people.

does my girlfriend compare me to her ex

But otherwise, you didn’t provide any more context. So often, I get emails from retroactive jealousy sufferers, who are evidently with amazing partners, who are deliberately choosing them, and who know them very well. These people know that their partner is the best choice for them.

They have an amazing sexual connection. They’re incredibly attracted to them. They have so much fun. And often, these people are constantly told by their partners.. “You’re the best for me. I’ve never felt like this before”, etc, etc.

And when you constantly question them, when you’re constantly looking for reassurance, it’s very unattractive. It’s not good to keep asking yourself, “does my girlfriend compare me to her ex?”

And attraction is extremely important in any long-term relationship. Regardless of what anyone tries to tell you. Communication is extremely important. But attraction is even more important in certain ways. So it’s very unattractive when you’re constantly poking holes in their argument and when you’re constantly doubting what they’re telling you.

And number two, it’s very insulting when you’re giving your best to someone and the person just keeps rejecting you. Keeps doubting you and not trusting you. This is very insulting.

And this is only going to create distance between you and your partner.

So the short answer is if your partner is telling you that you’re the best for them, if you have an amazing sexual connection, and you have an amazing relationship, for God’s sake, trust that. Enjoy it. Relish that you’re enjoying something. You’re having an experience that so few people get to really have an incredible connection, that’s deep and meaningful.

Enjoy it, relish in it. Don’t doubt your partner, when they tell you that they love you.

Because if you’re not going around pining for your ex or thinking about your ex all the time, chances are very good, that your partner isn’t pining for their ex comparing you to their ex. Or, wishing they were in a different relationship because they’re with you.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.