In today’s video, I’m going to talk about your higher self, and how accessing your higher self will help you escape retroactive jealousy.

If you’ve spent any amount of time scrolling through psychology blogs, especially if they’re at all somewhat New Agey, or they’re influenced by Buddhist philosophy, or in general, they’re kind of trend of self-help that’s developed over the past 20 or 30 years. Chances are probably pretty good that you’ve encountered some idea, accessing and making friends with your higher self.

Acting from the place of your higher self most of the time, as opposed to acting from your lower self based on impulse and ego. Accessing the part of you that is a little more grounded, more centered, and wiser.

Transcript Below

Zachary Stockill: Many retroactive jealousy sufferers are struggling with the issue of whether or not their partners share their values. There’s often a great deal of inner conflict, inner turmoil going on, where the person’s struggling with retroactive jealousy.

And, sometimes they feel like they have crystal clarity about what is actually true, the reality of the situation. The fact that their partner’s past isn’t actually a deal-breaker, and they have nothing really to worry about. But then when they’re in the midst of retroactive jealousy, they have moments where they completely forget the other narrative, where they’re focused on the narrative of…

“My partner is not suitable for me. They don’t share the same values. They might hurt me in the future. I can’t be secure in this relationship,” and so on.

This idea that I’m out here saying that retroactive jealousy is always irrational. And, always the fault of the sufferer, and there’s never any problem with anyone’s past. I don’t say that. And, I don’t believe that.

Sometimes there is something called values-based retroactive jealousy. Where the problem is genuinely based on some conflict in values between the retroactive jealousy sufferer and their partner.

escape retroactive jealousy

For example, if an evangelical Christian minister is struggling with retroactive jealousy because his partner was, let’s say, a former porn star, there’s probably a serious gulf in values there. This is probably not irrational, not retroactive jealousy OCD, straight up.

There’s very likely a serious conflict in values that are going to lead to a whole lot of heartbreak and complications down the road. Obviously, this is an extreme example, but it illustrates the point that sometimes retroactive jealousy is not irrational. Sometimes there are genuine red flags that we should be taking note of.

But the question is if you’re struggling with this issue, how the hell do you tell the difference? How can you tell the difference between a genuine conflict and values, serious red flags that need to be taken seriously, and irrational retroactive jealousy, or retroactive jealousy OCD?

Retroactive jealousy is usually just about insecurity and perhaps OCD, it’s more of a neurochemical imbalance. It’s more of a product of our upbringing or our environments or external triggers.

The issue is not our partner’s values. The issue is really with us.

How do you tell the difference if you’re struggling with this question?

The answer to this question, in terms of how to tell the difference, is not something I can sum up in a five or 10-minute YouTube video. The answer is somewhat complicated. There’s a big answer to this question that can span many hours.

There’s a reason my primary online course, Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast is many hours long because retroactive jealousy and how to escape retroactive jealousy is a pretty big issue.

A lot of ground to cover. The benefits of investing the time and actually sorting it are really worthwhile. They’re well worth your time. But the truth is, it’s sometimes difficult in these videos to be pithy and sum things up very briefly, something I’m working on, as I’m sure you can tell.

One way that you can tell the difference between irrational retroactive jealousy, and a genuine gulf in values, and real red flags you should be taking note of, is accessing what a lot of people call your higher self. In my view, there are different definitions of what the higher self actually means.

I don’t mean to go down some really flaky and hippy-dippy new age, a tangent on you. But in general, I associate the words higher self with the part of you that is not your ego. The voice inside of you that is not your insecure ego, the part of you that is truly wise, rational, grounded, calm,and centered.

My contention is that acting from this “higher self” will help you escape retroactive jealousy.

Some people might want to call your intuition. The little voice inside of you that really knows what’s up, that has perspective. The little voice inside of you that doesn’t get hung up on all these random little issues that might flare up our anxiety during the day. The part of you that knows the truth.

So how do you know when it’s your higher self-talking? Pay attention to the voice deep down emanating from your gut, the voice in the back of your head. Your intuition, pay attention to that voice during moments when you are feeling calm. During moments when you are feeling grounded, when you don’t feel that fight or flight response kick in.

You don’t want to be trying to listen to this voice in the midst of an intense attack of retroactive jealousy. You don’t want to be trying to gauge what this voice is saying if you’re lost on some men’s rights activists forum at 4:00 AM.

This is probably not the best time to be trying to access your genuine intuition.

A good time to be listening to this voice is during moments when you’ve had enough sleep the night before. Sleep is so important, so incredibly important. The reality is, most modern human beings, particularly most Westerners don’t get enough sleep. They don’t prioritize sleep, and this has disastrous consequences for our mental health. Including things like difficulty with emotional regulation, increased moodiness, anxiety, increased risk of serious depression, premature death, etc.

There are many dangers associated with not getting enough sleep. Please prioritize sleep.

escape retroactive jealousy

Try to listen to this calm, inner voice, your higher self during moments when you’re sober. You don’t want to be doing this when you’re drunk, or on drugs, or not eating well.

I would even include, like if you went on a big sugar binge, and you just ate a pint of ice cream, if you’re trying to gauge what your real truth is if you’re trying to gauge the difference between your insecurity and your higher self. It’s probably not wise to do this when you’re messed up on any kind of substance, whether it’s sugar, or alcohol, or anything else.

Try to listen to this voice, your intuition in this regard. During moments when you’re alone. When you’re taking a walk by yourself, quiet, when you’re in a room by yourself. When there’s not a lot of external distractions, and you’re able to think clearly and thinking calm. Above all, listen to your intuition, listen to this voice from your gut.

Try to access your higher self during moments when you’re feeling calm, centered, grounded. Not when you’re busy at work, stressed out by your kids. Moments when you’re alone, when you can really take time to gather your thoughts and think clearly.

Pay attention to what this voice says over a period of these moments, or over several of these moments.

You can journal, you can meditate, and this is a good way to sort of keep track of what your inner self or your higher self has been telling you over a longer period of time. These can help you escape retroactive jealousy.

My point is, if you’re grappling with this question, if your partner shares your values, what is the difference between irrational retroactive jealousy, and genuine red flags?

Again, there’s a lot of ways to get to the bottom of that question, working with a therapist or coach, an external unbiased observer. An unbiased outside perspective can be extremely useful, but if you don’t want to do that, and you’re simply relying on yourself, try to access that higher self. Access your intuition during moments when you’re feeling calm, grounded. And above all, don’t make big life decisions. Whether it’s related to breaking up with your partner, or staying with your partner, anything else when you’re feeling stressed out when your anxiety is elevated when your heart rate is elevated.

Try above all to access that voice when you’re feeling centered, grounded. And, I believe, in solitude.

There you go, just a few thoughts on how to escape retroactive jealousy and accessing your higher self.


Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of RetroactiveJealousy.com, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.