Getting Back With an Ex With Retroactive Jealousy [VIDEO]

Podcast: Play in new window

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS

In today’s video, I’m going to talk about what it’s like getting back with an ex and dealing with retroactive jealousy.

Read or watch below to learn more about getting back with an ex.

Zachary Stockill: If you’ve chosen to watch this video because you’re dealing with retroactive jealousy, it’s likely that the aspects of your partner’s past that are troubling you happened well before, or just before, you two met.

Simply put, these events from your partner’s history occurred before you were part of their life.

However, the situation isn’t as straightforward for numerous others grappling with retroactive jealousy.

Often, their unease stems from parts of their partner’s past that coincided with their own time in their partner’s life.

This means that sometimes couples may separate and reunite, and the dynamics become somewhat more complex…

Now, for those new here, a quick disclaimer: ‘Retroactive jealousy’ is a term used to describe the experience of having persistent, unwanted thoughts, an often obsessive curiosity, and what I refer to as ‘mental movies’ about your partner’s previous relationships or sexual history.

I’ll be reading a comment that inspired this video…

Suppose you were each other’s first love in college, each other’s first in everything, but then you broke up.

You still loved each other, yet you went on to lead separate lives. Later on, after many years, you reconnected.

One partner went through a wide range of experiences, while the other was in a long-term marriage and had only one other partner besides their college sweetheart.

How do you handle retroactive jealousy when you knew your partner before and after their past experiences?

Alright, thanks to the anonymous commenter for sharing this. I really value your comments; they inspire the topics of these videos.

So, just to make sure it’s completely understood, in case there was any confusion, the person who left this comment was their partner’s first love, and after they broke up, they reunited many years later.

I believe he’s essentially asking how retroactive jealousy differs in this kind of situation.

I’d like to revisit something I might have mentioned at the start of this video that may not be entirely accurate.

I believe I said something along the lines of, ‘In these tougher or more challenging situations…’

But, to be honest, I’m not entirely convinced that overcoming retroactive jealousy is necessarily more or less difficult if you knew your partner 30 years ago, separated, and then reunited later on.

As I frequently mention, one of the remarkable aspects of dealing with retroactive jealousy is something that continues to inspire me: the journey to tranquility, liberation, and freedom from invasive thoughts about your partner’s past is quite similar for everyone.

Now, I understand that everyone is unique and each person’s story varies slightly, with small adjustments and tweaks needed as they work through this issue.

However, the path to peace is pretty consistent for all. So, all the other content on my channel, along with my resources—whether free or paid, available on my website at retroactivejealousy.com—apply to everyone.

All the free videos on my Youtube channel, goodness, there must be hundreds—I’m not sure of the exact number.

Most of that material will still be just as relevant to you.

It’s not necessarily different just because you knew your partner when you were 14 or 15, and then you got back together in your 50s. The process is pretty much the same for everyone.

That being said, there are, of course, some differences. It might be a bit more nuanced. There’s one thing that comes to mind in these situations, which I often encounter.

It’s when you were with your partner in the past, then you broke up, and later you got back together. I think I picked up this insight from Esther Perel.

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist who authored an insightful book on long-term relationships titled ‘Mating in Captivity.’ I greatly admire her work; I find it excellent.

I believe it was from her that I learned the following idea, though I’m not entirely certain.

She essentially stated that you should mentally approach it as a new relationship when you break up with someone and then reunite.

Now, I know some of you might say, ‘Zach, that’s easier said than done.’ Well, that’s life for you. Anything worth doing is easier said than done, right?

The main point is that viewing a reunited relationship as a new one is a healthier way to handle it. Another thought that often comes to mind is from the American comedian Louis C.K.

He has this bit where he says, ‘No good relationship has ever ended in a breakup or divorce.’ He argues that if a great marriage ended in divorce, it would be tragic—a real loss.

But, he points out that this has never happened.

So, any breakup or divorce is, on some level, a reason to celebrate because it signifies that there were issues that needed to be resolved.

It wasn’t a great relationship, so no matter the reason for your breakup, you parted ways for a cause, just like everyone else in history who has experienced a breakup.

Breakups don’t occur without reason; there are always complicating factors behind them.

So, if you’ve reunited, whether you’re in your 50s, 20s, or any age, I believe it’s very smart and beneficial to start treating this as a new relationship.

If you can manage that, if you can begin to craft a new narrative about your relationship, which I’ll explain shortly, it should aid you in overcoming much of the retroactive jealousy you’re currently facing.

By the way, just a little self-promotion here—I’ve been addressing this issue for quite some time. If you’re interested in working with me, I’ve helped numerous people in similar situations.

Many viewers of my channel may not realize that I still offer one-on-one coaching, albeit on a limited basis.

If you’re interested in working with me and would like to book a session, just click this link. I’ll respond to you soon.

Alright, let’s set aside that bit of self-promotion and return to the topic at hand, which is the comment that sparked this video.

At this moment, you’re crafting a narrative about your relationship.

I’ve observed that many people who were with their partner, separated, and then reunited often tell themselves something like, ‘If only we had stayed together all along, everything would be perfect…’

As I mentioned earlier, no truly good relationship ends in a breakup or divorce. So, there were issues in the past that either you or your partner needed to address…

Sometimes the reasons can be very practical. As in: one of you needed to take a job in New York while the other lived in LA, or something like that.

Sometimes, these can be highly logistical problems, but they’re still problems, right? So I think it’s a healthier way to look at things, reminding yourself that we broke up for a reason.

Things wouldn’t necessarily be blissful and heavenly if we had stayed up all this time.

Couples break up for a reason; we broke up for a reason, and for whatever reason, our first relationship had to end.

Now, the second part of this story, which I believe is a healthier perspective, is easier said than done—I know.

But what’s the alternative?

A better way to view it is to see our relationship history, our history with each other, as perfect. Things turned out exactly as they should have because of X, Y, and Z.

“I had to go through certain things and gain specific experiences, even if it meant being in a bad marriage for 10 or 20 years…”

That’s what I needed to learn, for whatever reason. I needed those experiences.

My partner also needed her own experiences, no matter what they were or how colorful they might have been.

Ultimately, everything turned out perfectly because it brought us back together. That’s truly miraculous.

Most couples who part ways don’t reunite, especially not after a long separation.

If you’ve been apart for 10, 20, or even 30 years, it’s rare for couples to find their way back to each other.

So it’s truly a miracle that you’ve found each other again now. That’s the crucial point.

Recognize the story you’ve been telling yourself about your relationship—about how it’s not perfect or why you couldn’t have just stayed together.

Whatever that story is, pinpoint it precisely. Then…

Take the time to create a new, improved narrative and begin to embrace it.

Clearly, there’s much more to discuss on this topic. I’ve recently updated my free, four-part video mini-course for those who are struggling with retroactive jealousy.

It offers steps to begin tackling retroactive jealousy. If you’re interested, click the link.

I’ll send you my free mini-course on how to start overcoming retroactive jealousy, and you can unsubscribe at any time. I recommend giving it a look.

If you’d like more information about my work, or you’d like to work with me one-on-one, please visit this page.

And, be sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel as well to be notified of new videos.