Today’s reader email comes from Dave, who writes “my girlfriend has more experience than me.” Dave continues:
Hi there. My question is can I get over retroactive jealousy if my girlfriend has more experience than me. I’m in my first relationship (at the age of 23 and having only had a few one night stands before) while my older girlfriend has had a few relationships before me??
Zachary Stockill: Before I get into the video today, I’d just like to say that I’m glad that so many of you have been enjoying this new format that I’ve been experimenting with, these Q&A videos. Thank you for your comments and feedback. If you’ve been enjoying these videos, please be sure you subscribe to my channel.
Okay, Dave. The short answer is absolutely and many of the same principles, in fact, probably all of the same principles and practices still apply.
However, there’s one additional idea or perspective that I think might be useful for you to consider in this particular context, having a “girlfriend who has more experience than me.”
And it’s a principle that I try to ram into the heads of the guys who contact me, who write to say “my girlfriend has more experience than me.”
So the perspective that I’d like you to consider is to remember that you’re not a victim.
Now I’m not suggesting that you are thinking of yourself like a victim, but a lot of guys in this position, they write to me and they talk like they are a victim.
In other words, they say things like, “Oh, my girlfriend’s had all this experience or my wife’s had all this experience. I haven’t had any and doesn’t that suck?” And they’re spinning their wheels in the mud, I like to call it, rather than moving on with solutions.
And the thing that I tell these guys all the time is, you can go have more experience. If you want, you can go break up with your girlfriend right now.
If you do that, please be respectful and kind and considerate of her feelings. But you can break up with her right now and you can go have one night stands. You can go have group sex and orgies and you can go on Tinder and you can swipe like a madman, and you can have all of these experiences if you want.
And the reason I share that, and the reason I want you to consider that, is remember that if you stay with this woman, if you stay in this current relationship, just always remember that you’re not a victim, you have options and you need to own your choices and your actions.
You need to own the perspectives that you take on as you work through this issue.
In case you haven’t guessed the victim mentality that I see a lot of guys demonstrating really bugs me, and the thing is that’s not going to help them overcome retroactive jealousy, if that’s their aim.
The way they overcome retroactive jealousy is the same way that all of us overcome retroactive jealousy.
It’s about owning our problem. It’s about committing to new habits. It’s about doing a hell of a lot of learning and getting clear on what works and what doesn’t. It’s about not being a victim.
It’s about taking action.
So as you move forward, just keep that in mind. Tell yourself:
My girlfriend has more experience than me, but I’m not a victim. If I choose, I can break up with my girlfriend and go have more sexual experiences. That is always an option and similarly, if I choose to stay in this relationship, that’s my choice. I’m owning this choice. I’m going to work with the situation as it is. I’m not going to rant and rail and treat my girlfriend poorly just because I’m upset that maybe she’s been with a few more partners than me. I’m owning my decisions. I’m a man, I’m taking responsibility for my actions, for my perspective and for my personal growth.
So, there you have it, just a few thoughts on masculinity and victimhood as it applies to retroactive jealousy.