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In today’s video, I respond to a reader who writes “My girlfriend told me her ex was better.”
Read or watch below to learn strategies for dealing with retroactive jealousy when your girlfriend tells you her ex was better.
Zachary Stockill: A young man reached out to ask an important question about the fear of not being the best his partner has ever had.
If you’re a man struggling with retroactive jealousy, this is a video you’ll want to watch.
I’m Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and strengthen their relationships.
If you’d like to learn more about my work or work with me one-on-one, please click here.
Recently, I came across a comment on one of my YouTube videos that really made me stop and think.
My heart goes out to this person—I’m assuming it’s a guy.
P writes: “How can you be okay with your girlfriend saying her ex was a better lover?“
Alright, P, I think some viewers of this channel sometimes get the wrong idea about me—and that’s on me. I should be communicating certain messages more clearly and more often.
What I mean is:
Some people seem to think that I believe you should stay in a relationship no matter what—regardless of your partner’s past behavior, what they say to you now, or how your relationship is going.
Even if you’re unhappy or struggling with something we might consider retroactive jealousy… But that’s not what I believe. I don’t believe that for a second.
Over the years, I’ve worked one-on-one with over 1,000 coaching clients.
And while it’s rare, there are times when, after working together for a while—sharing ideas, going through their story, exchanging feedback, and doing various exercises—it becomes clear that staying in the relationship might not be the best option.
Sometimes, in the end, my clients come to realize that they’re in the wrong relationship—that their needs and boundaries are fundamentally at odds with their partner’s.
When that happens, they often decide to move on.
So, to be clear, sometimes walking away is the best choice for everyone involved.
And I want to emphasize that—it’s the best choice for everyone involved.
But I’ve noticed that this idea seems to annoy some guys.
Some want to leave their partner in a way that completely breaks their heart, as if that’s the goal.
The truth is, if you’re in the wrong relationship, staying in it doesn’t serve anyone—even if your partner seems happy.
Because eventually, they’ll pick up on your unhappiness, if they haven’t already.
And that’s only going to lead to more drama and complications. You get my drift.
Now, that brings us back to P’s comment.
Sometimes, walking away really is the best choice for everyone involved.
He asked, How can you be okay with your girlfriend saying that her ex was better in bed?
If you’re asking me personally how I would handle that situation—how I would feel about it—it really depends on the nature of the relationship.
It also depends on the relationship I have with the person saying this to me.
If it were a casual relationship or just a casual situation, I probably wouldn’t care all that much. But it would affect how I see the future of the relationship.
Because if we’re not sexually compatible, things might work for a little while, but they won’t last in the long run.
If we both value a strong sexual connection—and that’s something I value highly—then I’d assume that anyone I’m with would likely feel the same way.
So if a woman ever said that to me, it would put an expiration date on the relationship.
On the other hand, if this were a serious, long-term relationship—if she were my girlfriend or even my wife—and she said that to me, you’re asking how I would personally feel.
I need to be completely honest with you—could I stay in that relationship? For me, the answer is probably no.
But there are some important caveats. One of them is that every relationship goes through rough patches.
There will be times when your sex life isn’t as frequent or as exciting as it once was. That’s just reality.
Your sex life isn’t always going to be a 10 out of 10. Maybe for a while, it’s a 7, then it jumps to a 10, then settles at an 8—it fluctuates.
That’s just how relationships work.
But if this was just a temporary dip, would that change things? Honestly, I don’t think I could come back from hearing something like that.
I think that would be pretty tough for me. Could I possibly work through it somehow?
I’m not sure. It’s possible, but it would be really difficult.
However, if this were an ongoing trend—if my girlfriend or wife genuinely believed that someone else was better for her in that way—then eventually, I think I’d reach a point where I’d have no choice but to walk away.
But again, here’s another important caveat—I place a lot of value on a strong, dynamic sexual connection in my relationships.
I’ll spare you the details, but it’s something that matters deeply to me.
Not everyone feels the same way, though—this applies to both men and women.
Some couples don’t prioritize sex as much, and that works for them.
Other times, one person values sex far more than the other, which can create a disconnect.
Each of us is complex—we’re not one-dimensional. Every individual is a mix of strengths, weaknesses, habits, and unique traits.
No one can be reduced to just one aspect of who they are.
Maybe your partner places a much higher value on things other than sex—things like friendship, empathy, communication, or shared interests.
For some people, those aspects of a relationship mean far more than physical intimacy.
There are definitely people who prioritize other aspects of a relationship over sex. And for them, this might not be a big issue.
But for the rest of us—those who place a high value on sexual connection—yes, I think it would be a problem.
So, to the person who left the comment that inspired this video: How would you react if your partner told you their ex was better in bed than you?
Honestly, my friend, that’s something only you can decide.
It’s up to you to determine whether you can live with that or not.
If you’re a man who values sex highly—if it’s a core part of what you need in a relationship—and you feel like your partner doesn’t see it the same way, or maybe you’re just not fundamentally sexually compatible, then that’s something you’ll need to seriously consider.
It’s ultimately up to you to decide whether you can live with that.
And like I always say, sometimes moving on is the best option for everyone involved.
My only advice—aside from everything I’ve already said—is don’t make a rushed decision.
Some guys would hear something like that and immediately walk away.
But you know, maybe she was having a bad day.
I don’t know the full context—this isn’t a coaching session, and I don’t have all the details—so I can’t give a one-size-fits-all answer.
Whatever decision you make, take the time to think it through carefully.
Working with a therapist or coach can be helpful, but above all, reflect on it deeply.
Ask yourself: Can I live with this dynamic moving forward? That’s the question that really matters.
And if your partner doesn’t find you as attractive as you’d like, or if you don’t have the level of sexual compatibility you truly want, I promise—you can find someone who’s a better match for you.
If you’d like more information about my work, or you’d like to work with me one on one, please visit this page.
