In today’s video, I’m going to share a superpower that you should cultivate that will help you avoid 99% of drama and chaos in your relationships.

How to choose the right partner?

Zachary Stockill: So, I have officially entered my mid-30s. And I have been enormously lucky in my relationship life. To this point, I’m going to touch wood to avoid a lot of the chaos, drama, and pitfalls that a lot of people around my age have gone through by the time they reached their mid-30s.

I’m talking about friends, acquaintances, family members, and some of the coaching clients who reach out to me. A lot of these people have endured enormous hardships and all kinds of chaos and drama in their relationships.

And this can include things like terrible divorces, nightmarish breakups, cheating, and bringing someone into their life who is an absolute psychopath, and abusive, whether it’s physical, emotional, or verbal abuse.

Entering any relationship, there’s a certain amount of risk associated with that. But entering the wrong relationship can seriously mess up your life. So, how to choose the right partner?

I’m still unmarried in my mid-30s. And I’m filled with an enormous sense of gratitude for the experiences I’ve had in my life up to this point. I’m so grateful for the women who came into my life, women who had certain lessons to teach me, and women who inspired and pushed me in certain ways that I really needed.

Why have I been fortunate in this regard? Because I’m not so special. I’m not a genius. There’s no reason why someone like me, would have a better experience in relationships than most other people. And I realized that the answer to this question could be useful to some of the viewers in this channel as well. How are you going to choose the right partner?

I believe it’s a superpower because it’s one of those characteristics that benefit so many different areas of your life. And if you really take the time and energy to cultivate this quality, it will have a beautiful ripple effect on multiple areas of your life.

how to choose the right partner

In general, it will contribute so much to your sense of peace of mind, clarity, and so on.

And this superpower is being comfortable being alone, enjoying solitude, being happily single, being 100% okay with yourself.

This is no small feat for a lot of people. I don’t mean to suggest that everyone is immediately going to be okay with themselves or that everyone should be aspiring to be immediately okay being alone.

And when I say alone, I’m just talking about being physically alone. Being on your own, being separate from your partner, spending large amounts of time on your own. There are two things that I wanted to cover.

Number one, the source of many modern couples’ problems, particularly in the early stages of their relationship is spending way too much time together.

You’ve got two people losing aspects of themselves losing themselves in the relationship. And the thing is, these two independent people, they’re two individual separate cells. And obviously, there’s this incredible urge, when you’re falling in love with someone to truly merge two lives and spend all of your time together, start sharing your interests all the time and spend all of your time making love in the same room, but this is a horrible idea.

If you really want to sustain a positive long-term relationship. As the famous psychotherapist and author Esther Perel often say, “desire needs distance”. And if you buy into the idea of masculine and feminine polarity at all, whether it’s in heterosexual relationships, as well as homosexual relationships, there’s a masculine pole, certain masculine energy, and a certain feminine pole or certain feminine energy.

This is what brings people together, this is what attracts people together. This is how you choose the right partner.

If you’re spending all of your time with your partner, you’re spending most of your free time doing what they want, or even compromising, neglecting some of your deeply held needs, you’re going to depolarize from each other. And ironically, that will probably eventually split you up.

So for many reasons, it’s a good idea to prioritize spending time alone in your relationships, reconnecting with friends, and reviving friendships that maybe fell by the wayside when you fell in love. Spend time in solitude and get real clarity about your goals, ambitions, and new projects you want to take on if you want to sustain a long-term relationship that feels good and vital for both parties.

The second element of why this is so powerful, it will make your life better and help you avoid the chaos and drama that you might be seeing around you.

It gives you the ability not to be needy in your relationships. To truly take time to get to know someone before you invite them into your life. Before you make the decision perhaps to get married to someone, slowing down the courting process a little bit.

Now I know many of you people watching this video are probably madly in love. And the idea of slowing down the courting process doesn’t seem like much fun. There’s this incredible rush of hormones, new feelings, that you just want to completely merge with this person and spend as much time as possible with them.

But in those situations, the smart move is to slow things down a bit to take that night.

If you’re single, it’s the ability to enjoy being single. And the best way to do this is to constantly tell yourself that being a little lonely once in a while, is 10 times better than being miserable most of the time with the company.

In other words, it’s always better to be single than in a bad relationship.

If you don’t entirely enjoy being single or physically alone, number one, reconnect with some of your earlier hobbies and interests that perhaps you’ve been neglecting lately. Either because you’re in a relationship or because you’re just caught up in the everyday life, whether its job responsibilities, or family responsibilities, or kids.

And if you’re missing someone or you’re feeling a little lonely, it can be a good idea to sort of rediscover those early passions and hobbies that perhaps you’ve been neglecting lately. Because once you start picking it up again, you might find that this is really satisfying.

Number two, reflect on some of your bad relationships, reflect on some experiences you’ve had dating other people or in relationships that were less than pleasant.

how to choose the right partner

You can journal about these things. Remember how this felt, then you’ll find over time that’ll help you be happy being single when you realize you’ve eliminated those problems from your life.

Above all, being picky in relationships and dating is a really good thing.

I am extremely picky when it comes to who I invite into my life on a long term basis, I think it’s a good thing, it has helped me avoid so much of the pain, chaos, insanity, and drama that I’ve witnessed all around me for some time now.

Because I don’t have the nightmare of divorces. I don’t have the nightmare, cheating stories. And, I don’t have an ex-girlfriend with bipolar disorder.

I’ve had bumps in the road and I have had some experiences in dating and relationships that are somewhat regrettable. But thankfully, I have avoided a lot of the drama and chaos that I see amongst so many other people around me.

So much of it comes down to the fact that I really enjoy being single. I enjoy being by myself and I’d encourage you to start cultivating that ability as well. Eventually, this will help me choose the right partner.

Another indirect benefit to being comfortable being single and alone is that your partner can pick up on that energy, even if you don’t explicitly tell them.

And when your partner knows that you’re quite happy being single and being by yourself, that’ll often inspire them to not take you for granted and realize your value.

I’m not suggesting that your partner should always be on high alert and always stressed and thinking that you’re halfway out the door all the time. Of course, that’s not what I’m suggesting. What I’m talking about is self-respect. Have enough self-respect for yourself, to enjoy being alone to cultivate this ability within yourself.

And I think it’ll help you in all kinds of ways.


Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of RetroactiveJealousy.com, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.