In today’s video, I’m going to tell you how to discover your girlfriend’s values and start understanding her on a deeper level. 

Read or watch below to learn about how to discover your girlfriend’s values.

Zachary Stockill: Many people who feel jealous about their partner’s past relationships find it hard to determine if they have similar values.

They’re curious to learn more about what their partner thinks is truly important. I get asked about this a lot, and in today’s video, I’ll do my best to give an answer.

Since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women from all over the world overcome retroactive jealousy, and gain clarity and peace of mind about their partner’s past.

If you’d like to work with me one-on-one, or you’d like more information about my work, please visit this link.

The question came up recently on my YouTube channel.

“What questions can I ask to figure out what my partner values?”

You might think it’s just about asking a question to get an answer like this about your partner. But human psychology isn’t that straightforward.

The key advice I can share in this video is that if you’re trying to understand your partner’s values, you should focus less on what they say and more on what they do.

Actions reveal much more about a person.

To really understand someone’s values, look at how they act. It’s important to watch their behavior over a long time, not just a single event like a night out in 1983 when they might have had too much to drink…

What you want to see are the consistent ways they behave over time. That will show you what they truly value.

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If you’re trying to figure out who someone really is, their actions will give you the answer. The more recent their actions, the better clues you have about their recent character and nature.

You can learn a lot about my values, who I am as a person, and who I might be in the future by looking at what I do.

If you examine the last five years of my life, you’ll get a better sense of who I am than if you looked at a five-year stretch from my teenage years.

There are things from back then that I’m not proud of. The recent five years say much more about who I am now and where I’m headed. And remember, words are easy to say, but actions truly speak.

Words don’t mean much if they’re not backed up by actions.

For instance, if I say I really care about my audience and am dedicated to helping people overcome retroactive jealousy, and that this work is important to me, but then you visit my website and see no blog posts, no videos, no podcasts, and no free resources at all, that would tell you something.

It would show that my actions don’t match my words.

Words are easy to say, but backing them up with action is what counts.

That’s just one way to show you that my words match my actions. I could give many more examples. You know it’s true—if you want to understand someone, observe their actions rather than just listen to their words. However, I’m not using this as an excuse to avoid the topic of this video.

I’m going to try to answer your question about which questions you can ask to better understand your partner’s values.

These aren’t exact questions, but rather topics of conversation you can introduce into your relationship from time to time.

These discussions are often enjoyable and a nice way to get a feel for where each of you stands and what matters to both of you.

The first topic I recommend you explore is her aspirations.

Ask her, “What do you want? What’s your ideal future? In a perfect world, where do you see yourself in five, ten, or twenty-five years? What’s your dream for the future? Do you want to have children, or would you prefer not to?”

These questions can help you understand her long-term values and goals.

You could also ask about the type of person she wants to be, like “What kind of mother do you envision yourself as? What kind of wife?”

“Where would you like to live? What kind of job do you see yourself doing? What’s your ideal home life like?” Questions like these help you understand your partner’s future plans, assuming they have some.

However, if they don’t have any vision for the future, and they’re not very young, that might be something to consider.

If your partner is very young, say around 18 or 21, it’s okay for them not to have a totally clear vision for the future.

At that age, it’s normal not to have a detailed plan moving forward because you’re still figuring out what you want in life.

I believe that by the time you get to your mid-twenties, at the latest, both men and women should have some idea of where they want to go in life.

Even if that vision isn’t completely clear or fully figured out, we should at least be thinking about our future.

Where do we see ourselves in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years? Naturally, our answers to what we want might change as time goes on.

But as we grow older, our responses to who we are and what we want in the future should become more consistent.

However, if your partner is over 25 and still doesn’t have much of a vision for their future, what does that say to you?

That probably tells you that one of their values is living in the present moment, with a ‘who cares about the future’ kind of attitude.

This can be seen as either good or bad, depending on your perspective. I often mention on this channel that living in the present is not just important, it’s essential.

That being said, I think planning for the future is also crucial, especially as we age.

Talking about your partner’s vision for the future and what they want going forward should give you some insight into their values.

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When discussing your partner’s values and their plans, try to understand why they hold certain things dear. Ask them why they value what they value.

For instance, if your partner says they want to be a parent by the time they’re 30, that’s great information.

You could then ask, “Why is that important to you?” Sometimes we assume we know the reasons behind people’s goals. We might just accept that she wants to be a parent, without questioning why.

It’s important not to take these things for granted and to understand the reasons behind their desires.

Yes, many women do want to become mothers, but it’s important to remember that not all women feel this way.

And even among those who do, their reasons can vary. Some may have dreamed of motherhood since they were little, while others feel a deep, soulful urge to nurture because they simply adore children and the incredible experience it brings, among many other reasons.

Understanding why your partner values certain things can reveal a lot about their character and what they hold dear.

Simply ask, “Why is that important to you?” whenever they talk about something they want for their future, something they strongly believe in, or something they hope to have someday.

This question can help you uncover the deeper reasons behind their aspirations and beliefs.

This approach can often provide many insights into their character and what they truly value.

My last piece of advice, or the final topic you can discuss with your partner, relates to their self-awareness.

The theme is self-reflection, specifically asking, “What could you have done better?”

When I suggest this, I don’t mean you should scrutinize your partner’s past decisions or examine their history to highlight their mistakes.

If a situation arises where your partner talks about a mistake they’ve made, mentions something they wish they could do over, or reflects on a lesson learned—saying they don’t necessarily regret it but they acknowledge it wasn’t the wisest choice at the time due to various reasons—that’s a moment to listen closely…

If they acknowledge past mistakes, recognize times when they weren’t their best self, or admit to actions they’re not entirely proud of, I think that’s a positive sign.

I’m always wary of people who act as though they’re perfect or never admit to any past mistakes.

Being human means being imperfect and making mistakes, and your girlfriend is probably no exception.

Hearing her talk about past actions, things she wishes she had done differently or things she might not necessarily regret but would change if she could, can give you great insight into her character and what she values.

We’re looking for signs of growth and self-awareness in a person.

True self-awareness is quite rare, but if your partner shows no self-awareness at all—if they’re the type to say “you only live once,” dismisses the future, claims “I am who I am” without reflection, insist they have no regrets, and believe they’ve always been “amazing”—then that’s something to take note of.

For me, that would be a huge deal. Look for someone with some self-awareness, someone who can recognize where they might have taken a wrong turn in the past.

It’s important to find a partner who knows when they’ve made mistakes.

I have much more to share on the topic of discovering your partner’s values.

I’s a topic I’m passionate about–this whole idea about understanding who your partner truly is and figuring out if you’re a good match for the future.

I’ve created a masterclass called “The Path to Peace.

In it, I lay out a clear, step-by-step process that anyone can follow to gain a better understanding of their partner’s values and to determine if you’re truly compatible as you move forward together.

I created “The Path to Peacespecifically for those who suffer from retroactive jealousy.

So if you’re dealing with retroactive jealousy, or have ever struggled with it, and you have questions about your partner’s past values or doubts about how well you fit together, be sure to check out “The Path to Peace.”

If you’d like more information about my work, or you’d like to work with me one on one, please visit this page.

And, be sure you’re subscribed to my YouTube channel as well to be notified of new videos.


Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of RetroactiveJealousy.com, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.