In today’s video, I’m going to share a very simple mental practice that you can use that will help you beat jealousy and have a better life and relationship.
So, how do we overcome jealousy?
Zachary Stockill: This week, I had a bit of a conflict with a good friend of mine. The conflict was about my ego and my pride. I was letting my ego and my pride get the better of me. I was feeling kind of animated and very self-righteous.
Then I asked myself, how much of this is his fault? And, how much of this situation, this drama, is my own nonsense? In my estimate, I would say that about 25% of it was his fault. And around 75% of it was my own nonsense.
Why am I sharing this little story with you? Well, the conflict resolved itself pretty quickly…
As soon as I realized that I was responsible for my 75% of the nonsense in the argument, it was then I realized that everything got better, and everything got much more clear.
His 25% is still totally on him, that’s his responsibility. I have nothing to do with that. But the 75% is on me. And I can do a lot about that.
I can respond differently. I can calm down before I respond. And, I have the power to change, to be self-critical, and to be responsive at the moment in a way that isn’t going to damage the friendship.
Furthermore, that’s going to give us the best chance at actually working through this little conflict. And, proceeding on with our friendship.
So again, why am I sharing this with you? This will help you on how to overcome jealousy.
When we have some kind of inner conflict, it’s really worthwhile and valuable to simply pause once in a while and ask ourselves, how much of this conflict or this issue is simply my own nonsense, my own wounded pride?
How much of this is my responsibility? And am I willing to call myself out on my nonsense in this moment?
You’ll find that the more you ask yourself this question, particularly in conflicts in relationships, the better relationship you will have, you’ll know the ways on how to overcome jealousy.
I feel like I wasted way too much time in my life. Number one, by taking myself way too seriously. Not laughing at myself as I should have. And not having as much fun as I probably could have.
Meanwhile, this is one of the issues I have with a lot of the guys in the so-called red pill community or the manosphere. A lot of these guys are trying to sell themselves as these masculine gurus and super alpha. You can see in their body language, the way they’re holding themselves, and the way they’re deepening their voices, trying to be more alpha.
All of this is nonsense. I call it very contrived masculinity. Posturing alphas is what I like to call it.
These guys are so insecure. They’re trying to hold themselves ramrod straight, and they’re trying to compensate for a deep sense of lack of self-worth.
I think it takes a man to laugh at himself. And, a real strong woman to laugh at herself. And frankly, I think that all of our lives would be a little better if we learn to laugh at ourselves a little more often.
A crucial component in that is called, “calling ourselves out on our own nonsense more often”.
One thing I’ve learned over the years of coaching is that a crucial component of my job is calling people out on their nonsense. Pointing out their blind spots.
They’ll share with me their whole life story of their relationship or the story of their retroactive jealousy, and they’re paying me to be honest with them.
Whenever people book a coaching call with me, I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility to be absolutely honest with them. And thank God, the overwhelming majority, we’re talking like 99.9% of people who actually book a call with me, who was actually invested in this process want to hear my honest opinion. They want to know how to overcome jealousy.
I am not saying that I’m always right, or that my opinion is always correct.
But at the very least, I feel a tremendous sense of responsibility to give my honest opinion, for whatever it’s worth. And when I call people out, when I help to point out some of their blind spots, frequently, the responses are like, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. You’re right about that. I know that this is my own nonsense. I know that this is not just my ego running away with me. I’ve been acting like this for years.”
And frequently, it’s just really valuable to them that they have this outside perspective. This kind of confirmation that they’re correct, and calling themselves out, basically, they’re aware of their own nonsense, and someone else sees their own nonsense as well.
They’re aware of their own ego narratives that aren’t getting them anywhere. And it’s kind of validating and nice when someone else is confirming the same thing.
All this is to say, we know ourselves pretty darn well.
Most of the time, we know our own nonsense. We know our own ego pitfalls. We know when our pride is running away with us when we should be showing up in the world in a way that’s a little more honest and a little more self-critical.
But often, we kind of let ourselves go, let ourselves slide, and we don’t hold ourselves to the standard that we should be holding ourselves to get up. We let ourselves off too easily.
Therefore, this results in drawing conflicts out for way too long. Taking ourselves way too seriously, and never being able to laugh at ourselves and just let things go.
We’re kind of letting ourselves off the hook on the back of our mind.
We know in certain moments and conflicts, or perhaps with retroactive jealousy or obsessive jealousy, we know how much of the problem is an actual problem. We know how much of it is our own nonsense. And this will give you ways on how to beat retroactive jealousy.
So this is a very long-winded way of saying that I would encourage you if you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, or even if you’ve just been having a lot of conflict in your relationships, take ownership of your own nonsense, your own ego, your own wounded pride.
Don’t take ownership of the stuff that is not your responsibility, your partner’s actions, their words, etc.
Of course, in any kind of two-person dynamic, you can only take ownership of your own part in that dynamic. Don’t take ownership of them. Don’t take ownership of their work, the things that they have to do better. But, take ownership of your own nonsense.
I promise you, they’ll have a better life. You’ll have a better time in general, and you’ll have a better relationship. You’ll know how to overcome jealousy.
Above all, I also believe this the central component in overcoming retroactive jealousy and maintaining your progress over the long term.