In today’s video, I’m going to share what I believe are the two biggest mistakes that people make when they set goals.

So, how to set better goals?

Zachary Stockill: So over the past, I’ve been pretty serious about setting goals. And when I talk about setting goals, it relates to relationships, finances, productivity, and even friendships.

But I’m a big proponent of setting goals in different areas of life. I’m structuring my life to exactly what I’m working toward. And I got a lot of emails from men and women who are working towards goals in their relationships. And the biggest goal that many of these people are working towards is overcoming retroactive jealousy.

Obviously, I get a lot of those emails because I’m the author of a book on Retroactive Jealousy. I create views on this channel. People feel like they can open up to me, and help them to overcome retroactive jealousy.

Other people write to me, but they’re less confident and less clear. They kind of say, “ I think I want to overcome retroactive jealousy, but I’m not exactly sure if what I’m dealing with is retroactive jealousy“.

In this video, I’m going to give some people in both of those categories, a bit of food for thought and how to set better goals.

One thing I’ve noticed is that human beings, in general, frequently underestimate how much they can accomplish. People frequently astound themselves with how strong they are, with what they can persevere through, and what they can accomplish. And the thing that I’ve noticed is that it’s so important to be extremely deliberate and specific about exactly what it is we want.

If we are extremely specific about exactly what we want, that really increases the chances that we’ll actually get what we want. So, this is mistake #1.

How To Set Better Goals

For example, someone comes to me and they say, “I want to overcome retroactive jealousy”.

I think that’s absolutely a fantastic goal, but it’s not quite specific enough. How do you want to feel about your partner’s past? What exactly does overcoming retroactive jealousy look like for you? How do you want your relationship, actions and your emotions to change?

Try to be as exhaustive as possible when you’re answering these questions? What exactly do you want as it relates to overcoming retroactive jealousy?

Because I guarantee for the people watching this video, they’re gonna vary widely in terms of what overcoming retroactive jealousy means to them. They’re gonna have different feelings and see it differently.

The point is, we’re all going to have slightly different versions of what overcoming retroactive jealousy means to us. And thus, it can be extremely worthwhile and useful to spend a lot of time thinking about this.

Now overcoming retroactive jealousy is kind of abstract. What I’m saying is, it’s not a concrete goal. Like, I want to make $100,000 next year, that’s very specific, that’s very concrete and measurable.

Overcoming retroactive jealousy is a little tougher to measure.

So, one exercise you can do is trying to picture yourself. Let’s say two months from now, how do you want your typical day with your partner? What kind of things you want to talk about? What do you want to do? How do you want to conjure up the emotions of overcoming retroactive jealousy?

As it specifically applies to you, how do you want to feel your body in your breath? Like, do you want to be breathing deeper? Do you want to sleep better at night? Do you want to have more fun with your partner?

Whatever this means to you, try to write out a perfect day in a perfect world two months from now. How exactly do you want to feel as this relates to overcoming retroactive jealousy?

Mistake number two, is not being specific enough about what they’re going to exchange for that goal. This is probably even a more common mistake that people make when they’re setting goals.

When I talk about exchange, I’m talking about something a little more abstract.

I do believe that the the universe loves balance. For example, if I treat someone poorly, if I let my temper get the best of me, and I take out my frustration on someone, I am pretty darn sure that is going to come back to haunt me eventually. Someone in my life is going to treat me the way that I treated this person.

I believe, what goes around comes around. And the universe loves balance. In terms of energy, the more you give, the more you get.

There is something certainly to be said, for being very clear about exactly what you want. And thus, the odds of it coming into your life are much more likely. However, I really don’t think that’s enough.

How To Set Better Goals

I think you need to think about what you’re going to give for what you want and what you are going to exchange for what you want in order to know how to set better goals.

For example, if I want more customers, more students in my online course, coaching clients, YouTube subscribers, I can’t just sit around and hope for it. I have to make videos like this. And I have to make sure that my channel is the best on this topic.

I have to know how to set better goals.

I have to make sure my online course the absolute best when it comes to overcoming retroactive jealousy., do endless blog posts. And, I have to give 100% to my coaching clients. So, they’ll maybe give me a good testimonial or whatever.

The point is, if I just sit around and hope for things to improve, the odds that they’re going to improve are pretty low.

However, if I give more values, and just offering my gift as much as I can to the world, chances are very good that that’s going to help me improve my business, improve my reach, help this message to reach more people. And it’s good for everyone.

It’s good for you people watching it, for my students in my online course, my coaching clients. And it’s good for me. Again, the universe loves balance. If you want to get more, you have to give more.

The point is, to be more deliberate and specific about exactly what you’re going to exchange in return for your goal. It’s not nearly enough to focus on what you want, you have to also focus on what you have to give.

And these are the two main mistakes that people make when they’re setting goals. Not being specific enough about what they want, and what they’re going to exchange for what they want…

[Hear my full description in the video at the top…]

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.