How to STOP One Vicious Cycle Of Retroactive Jealousy [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I’m going to talk about one vicious cycle of retroactive jealousy and how it can impact relationships.

Read or watch below to learn more about the vicious cycle of retroactive jealousy.

Zachary Stockill: One common mistake many people with retroactive jealousy make is asking their partner a lot of questions about their past relationships and experiences.

As a regular viewer, you’re likely aware that I believe asking your partner about their past is a mistake. In this video, I’ll share three helpful tips on breaking this habit.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women from all over the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.

If you’d like more information about my work or want to work with me one-on-one, please visit this link.

For those here for the first time, the term ‘retroactive jealousy‘ refers to unwanted, intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call ‘mental movies’ about your partner’s past relationships or dating/sexual history.

I am a former sufferer of retroactive jealousy. I’ve been free of it for a very long time now.

However, when I was struggling with this bizarre issue, I made one of the worst mistakes you can make for many reasons: I asked my then-girlfriend a million questions about her past.

I am still ashamed to admit that today. When I think about how I used to act, the questions I would ask, and the way I behaved, I am not proud of it.

Needless to say, it did not help the relationship; it made things much worse. It caused my then-partner a lot of pain and did not solve my retroactive jealousy.

I can promise you that.

Over the years, I’ve received thousands of emails from retroactive jealousy sufferers around the world.

And when I say thousands, I mean thousands.

Not one person has ever told me, ‘You know what, Zach, I sat my partner down and asked her four million questions about her past, and that solved my issue.’

That has not happened even once in my entire decade-plus of doing this work. So, all this is to say, if you want to ask your partner eight million questions about their past to solve this problem, stop.

It’s not going to work.

The solution is far deeper than that. But of course, if you’re asking your partner eight million questions about their past, or even just a lot of questions, you might wonder, how do I stop?

I remember it very well because this can be a difficult habit to break. Sometimes, you get an answer that makes you feel good or boosts your ego, and you think, ‘Oh, well, that solved the problem.’

Or maybe you ask them about something relatively important to you, like, ‘Did you do X?’ or ‘Did you do this?’ or whatever.

They give you the answer you think you want, and then you feel better for an hour, a day, or maybe even a week.

But then, of course, more thoughts return. It might feel good in the moment, but it won’t solve your problem over the long term. So, how do you stop, or at least start stopping, this vicious cycle?

Number one: you acknowledge what I call the deadly retroactive jealousy cycle, which is basically what I just described.

You ask your partner a question about their past. Sometimes, but not always, you get an answer that makes you feel good. You go on with your day and your relationship, and everything seems good.

And then a bit of curiosity creeps back in, and you have some follow-up questions based on what you think they said or their answer.

You start questioning their answer, thinking, ‘Well, maybe she didn’t mean that,’ or ‘Maybe he didn’t mean this,’ and ‘What about X?’ and ‘What about Y?

And then you’re back in the same boat, asking them more questions and bringing up all this stuff again. You’re creating distance between yourself and your partner.

To be honest, it’s not the most attractive vibe in a relationship.

Constantly pestering your partner about their past, looking for an ego boost or reassurance, is not a very attractive position to be in.

You catch my drift.

It’s not exactly good behavior; it’s the deadly retroactive jealousy spiral.

It’s a cycle: you ask a question, feel good for a while, then start feeling less good, begin questioning, your mind goes into overdrive, and you ask more questions.

And it just never stops. So, step one in stopping is to realize what’s going on. Recognize that you’re falling victim to the deadly retroactive jealousy cycle.

This is not going to solve retroactive jealousy in the long term. That’s what I’m interested in with this channel and all of my work. I’m not interested in boosting your ego with short-term fixes.

I’m interested in helping people solve this problem over the long term, and constantly asking your partner questions will not achieve that.

It will not help you overcome retroactive jealousy in the long run.

My next step, or tip, is for you to privately—and I emphasize privately—write down, literally with a pen and paper, any reassurances or realizations you have already received.

In other words, if a small part of you sometimes wonders, ‘Am I the best my partner’s ever had? Am I really the best match for her?’ And your partner has told you several times that you’re incredible, write that down.

Use your partner’s exact words if you can. Write down any conversations or answers they’ve given you that boosted your confidence. Note any reassurances or clarity you’ve received from them in the past.

Write that stuff down. Be clear about what helped in the moment. Record all the reassurances you have already received.

I suggest you use this as a ‘break glass in case of emergency’ tool over the next few weeks or months.

In other words, when you’re craving more reassurance, another dopamine hit, and an ego boost, resist the urge to bring all this neediness to your partner and ask them more questions.

Doing so won’t help and will give off an unattractive vibe to your partner, as I mentioned earlier.

I suggest taking a few deep breaths and excusing yourself for a couple of minutes. You can go to the washroom, pull out your list from your back pocket, take some deep breaths, read it, and reflect on it.

Remember that this is what’s real and important, not the nonsense in your head, your neediness, or your ego screaming for reassurance or attention.

I already have just about everything I need. My partner has already told me most of what I need to hear. It’s over and done. I don’t need to keep feeding into this cycle.

Breathe, reflect on that for a few moments, and then return to your day. This is a helpful technique, especially in the early stages of recovery from retroactive jealousy.

My final tip—though ‘tip’ seems a bit glib, as it’s more of a big piece of advice and a significant challenge—is to get clear on what is truly important.

By truly important, I mean what matters most in the grand scheme of your life and your relationships.

One of my favorite quotes is by an author named Zan Perrion: ‘The size of your problems is the size of your life.’ What does that mean?

Well, as a man in my mid-thirties, if my biggest problem is my girlfriend’s past, I think I need to take on bigger, better, and more meaningful challenges.

If that’s my biggest problem, then I need to take on more.

This could mean getting clear about how I want to provide for my family, doing more impactful work like this, or being a better father, sister, mother, brother, or whatever role I play.

Be better to the people in your life who truly matter. The point is to get clear about what is truly important in your life.

What is your mission? Why are you on this earth? Are you here to ask your partner a million questions about their past, or are you here for bigger, better, and more important reasons than that?

This might seem a bit dramatic or ethereal, but I don’t care.

Over the years, I’ve found that helping people gain clarity on their mission and the broader purpose of their lives can really help them overcome retroactive jealousy, especially in the long term.

When your primary concern is becoming the best person you can be and having crystal-clear clarity on what that means for you, problems like retroactive jealousy take up less of your mental space because you’re focused on bigger and better challenges.

I have to mention this is one of the most enjoyable parts of my work as a coach. After 10 years, I really love helping people gain greater clarity on their mission.

Why are they here as a man or a woman? I love getting into deep conversations with people, helping them ask the right questions, and reflecting on their lives.

I would love to work with you if that sounds appealing to you. You can click on this link to learn more about working with me one-on-one.

And, be sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel as well to be notified of new videos.