In today’s video, I want to share an uncommon perspective on the process of “vetting” for a potential future girlfriend or wife.

Read or watch the video below to discover a better framework for discovering “Is she girlfriend material?”

Zachary Stockill: Over almost ten years of one on one coaching, one of the subject areas that I’ve come to really enjoy working on most is helping men get in touch with their values. Helping them get in touch with what they actually want in a potential long-term partner, and help them make better choices when it comes to who they bring into their life on a long-term basis.

I think a lot of people approach this whole process of vetting with the wrong attitude. And it’s actually counterproductive for them, and counterproductive for everyone involved. And by bringing this attitude into their vetting process into their dating lives, they’re actually increasing the chances of not getting what they want, or choosing the wrong woman. So in today’s video, I’d like to share some different thoughts on this process of vetting for a potential future girlfriend or wife.

This whole subject of vetting is a topic that I’m very interested in, because

It opens up so many different potential avenues for discussion, learning, exploration, and growth, and cultivating a deeper self-knowledge.

I’m addressing this video to men because it’s been mostly men who I’ve worked with when it comes to the potential values of their future girlfriend or wife; being concerned about certain red flags in their partner’s past. So that’s why I’m directing this video towards men. I’ve just had more experience working on this issue with men in particular.

I think it’s very important to approach this whole area of vetting a future girlfriend or wife with the right attitude. It is because I have seen up close and personal the consequences when you approach the vetting process with the wrong attitude. You’ll find this a lot in the sphere of the internet, which is loosely called the “manosphere,” or the “red pill.”

But you see this a lot in certain segments of the Internet where guys are approaching the issue of vetting. “Is she girlfriend material?” “Is she wife material?” They’re approaching this issue with the wrong attitude.

The RIGHT Way for Men to Approach Dating and to know is she girlfriend material?

And basically the attitude they’re bringing into their dating lives when they’re meeting women, meeting new women, or taking women out, is:

“Is she a good person? Is she worthy of my presence in her life?”

Or Is she an *insert your favorite pejorative here;* not nice words. They’re bringing a very judgmental attitude that segments women into categories like “the good girls, future girlfriends, future wives,” or “the bad girls; everyone else. They’re only looking for red flags, and not really thinking about what might constitute a green flag. What might constitute a good sign in the woman they’re dating. But above all, the whole attitude they’re bringing their dating life is: is she a good person?

And I think this is completely wrong. And I think if you’re bringing this kind of skeptical, judgmental, angry energy into your dating life, the odds actually go up that you’re going to bring the wrong person into your life. Because if you go on dates, and if you go on, dating apps, and whatever with the attitude of, “I’m going to avoid all the bad women because there are so many bad women out there…”

“… And I don’t want to get screwed over, and I read this red pill blog that said, ‘you have to look for these 18 red flags,’ and I need to look for this stuff very closely…” If you bring this attitude into your dating life, number one, the women in your life are more than likely going to pick up on this kind of vaguely misogynistic, very skeptical, very negative kind of attitude, which is not very sexy, obviously. And by the way…

If you go looking for something specific, and that’s all you’re looking for, you will find it.

If you have a negative perception of women and if you’re skeptical and judgmental, and if you’re bringing that energy into your search for a mate, the chances are very good that you’re going to subconsciously attract that kind of woman into your life.

So what’s the solution? I think a better attitude to bring into your dating life… A better way to look at this whole process is one simple question: “Are we a good fit?” Not, “Is she a bad person?” Not, “Is she trustworthy?” And not, “Is she a *insert pejorative here*?” Instead: “Are we a good fit?”

Because I am humble enough to realize that while I think I’d be a good fit for a lot of women, I know I’d be a terrible fit for a lot of other women. And welcome to dating in the 21st century. I think that fits just about anyone out there on the dating market. And the woman you’re dating is no different.

Approach vetting with the attitude of “Let’s see if we’re a good fit.”

So if you approach first dates and second dates, and this whole courting process with this attitude of “let’s see if we’re a good fit, let’s see if this could work,” you’re going to have a better time, there’s going to be more fun, playful energy on your dates.

You’re going to have more fun on those dates. And chances are good that your date is going to have more fun, which increases chemistry. It increases the connection, increases the possibility, perhaps, that you two would indeed be a good long-term match.

So I’m still here on the island of Bali, Indonesia, and right around when the lockdowns started, but a couple of years ago, I had the worst first date of my entire life. And I’ll spare you all the gory details. But she was very physically attractive. She was a beautiful woman.

But from the moment she showed up to the date, she was negative and naggy, and she had no sense of humor, she just didn’t seem to have any interests outside of her Instagram account.

It was just very, very clear to me within probably the first 15 minutes of the date…

Maybe less, that this is just not a good match. She might be a good match for some other guy, maybe. But she’d be a terrible match for me. And by the way, I would be a terrible match for her.

Because I hate posting every single meal that I eat on Instagram. And all the things that she was interested in, I didn’t care about it. I don’t really like her energy. I was very turned off very quickly. And midway through the date I actually started laughing, not because I was trying to be mean, not because I was trying to insult her, but because I brought this attitude into my date…

“Are we a good match? Could we be a good fit?” And it was very clear early on that we wouldn’t be. And so what did I do? Did I go posting on the internet about how “all women are awful,” and “all women are obsessed with Instagram…”

And “I’m better than all women, and I’m an alpha male…” and these things? No, I simply ended the date early. And basically, that was it. And I was probably clear to her, too, that we’re just not a good match.

The question is not “Is she a good person?” The question is, “Are we a good fit?”

And I promise you, you will have more fun in your dating life, and the odds will be way higher that you will bring in an incredible woman into your life. And overall, you’re just going to have a better time if you leave this kind of skeptical, judgmental, and sort of holier than thou attitude outside the door at your dates. Have fun.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.