In today’s video, I’m going to talk about living true to your dating standards without anger and bitterness.
Read or watch below to learn more about living true to your standards and having a good time along the way.
Zachary Stockill: Over ten years of dating and relationship coaching have taught me something interesting…
My experience has taught me that a lot of people, a lot of men in particular, bring a lot of anger into their dating lives.
A lot of men have very high standards for dating, and that’s completely okay. In fact, I encourage people to have high standards. However, at the same time, a lot of these same men also bring a lot of anger into their search for “the perfect woman.”
In today’s video, I’m going to talk about living true to your dating standards without anger.
So how can you be living true to your dating standards without anger?
Number one, just to reiterate this point, because it’s so important: I think it’s very important to have high standards. I think it’s very important to be extremely choosy when it comes to who you invite into your life on a long-term basis.
They’ve done endless research on this, and it’s crystal clear that your choice of a long-term mate is the most consequential decision you will ever make. It factors more in your happiness than where you live, what your job is, how much money you make, et cetera, et cetera.
Who to spend a life with is the most consequential decision any of us will ever make.
So I think it’s more than just important; I think it’s actually essential to be extremely choosy.
By the way, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having high standards and having certain non-negotiables when it comes to who you bring into your long-term dating life.
If you have a list of qualities that you’re looking for in someone, and they’re extremely well-thought-out, and you feel strongly about them, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to discover early on whether the people you’re dating match these qualities.
Don’t make any long-term commitment to anyone without giving them sufficient time to show you who they truly are.
As I often say, if you give someone enough time to show you who they are, eventually they will. Because no one can maintain a poker face for six months, a year, two years, et cetera. Eventually, they’re going to show their hand.
So, I think, It’s very important to give whoever you’re considering inviting into your life on a long-term basis enough time to show you who they are.
So, finally: how to be living true to your dating standards without being angry or disappointed along the way?
Number one, I think: forget about any kind of search for “perfection.”
I think there is no worse word that you can bring into your dating life than the quest for “perfection.” I think you should resist the temptation to idealize anyone, because we’re all flawed. None of us are perfect. If they’re human, they’re imperfect.
If you have two people in a relationship, I guarantee you, that relationship isn’t perfect. I don’t care how it looks on Instagram. I don’t care how it looks from the outside looking in. Stop looking for “perfection” because it doesn’t exist.
Instead, I think what you should be focusing on is looking for patterns. In other words, giving this person enough time to show you who they are, and to reveal the patterns that make them who they are. Aristotle said “We are what we repeatedly do.” I think that’s very accurate.
So what we do, how we show up in the world consistently over time, matters a lot. Whether that’s with regard to the way we treat other people or the way we show up in our family life. Or how devoted or loyal we are, how trustworthy we are. That’s going to show up–or not–in patterns over long periods of time.
Don’t look for perfection. Look for patterns.
When you do this, your risk of feeling angry and disappointed by people goes down considerably. Because you’re not expecting something unattainable, like perfection.
My next point on this topic is, in many ways, even more important. And this is really the main point that I wanted to hammer home in this video:
I think a lot of people enter their dating lives into their relationship lives trying to sort out whether their partner is a good person. “It’s like, “Can I trust them? Are they a good person? Do they have good character, etc., etc., etc?”
Often they’re disappointed when they go into their dating lives with this attitude. Because that person is inevitably going to disappoint them, going to let them down.
So what’s a better way to approach this? I think a better way to approach your dating life is to enter it with the attitude of: “I am trying to determine fit, and nothing else. I’m not trying to determine if this person’s perfect for me, or I’m perfect for them, or any of that nonsense. I’m trying to determine fit. And that’s it.”
When you’re just looking for fit, and nothing else, it suddenly relieves a lot of anger, and tension.
And when someone shows that you’re not a good fit for each other, when you feel like someone is no longer a good fit for you, it’s like, “Okay. I’m not going to say you’re a bad person. I’m not going to call you names, I’m not going to get angry. The issue is very simple. I’m looking for a certain thing, we obviously don’t have that in common. We’re not a good fit, so goodbye, and God bless!”
Rather than being angry at them, or rather than swearing off dating, or anything else. Instead: “No, I know my standards, I know I’m looking for a good fit fit. We don’t share the same objectives in our dating lives and our relationship lives. We’re not a good fit, no harm done, goodbye, and God bless. I hope you find someone who’s a great fit for you because I’m sure they’re out there. But it’s not me…”
A lot of people make unfair conclusions about an entire sex or an entire gender based on one or two idiots that they’ve dated. And when you’re looking for fit, it relieves a lot of that tension. And you’re less inclined toward anger, because again…
You know what you want, and you’re not going to settle for less. And you’re going to keep going until you find it.
Now, of course, you need to have faith and belief in yourself that you will find it eventually. That’s obviously very important. And for some people that’s difficult.
In other words, a lot of people, of course, suffer from a lack of confidence. They suffer from a perceived lack of options, and that holds them back. Of course, I understand that.
But the way I see it, it’s really the only choice in terms of the right spirit to approach your dating life. You should be looking for fit and nothing else. Because if it takes you an extra year, or an extra two years, or an extra 10 years to find what you’re really looking for, I think that trade-off is worth it.
I don’t think you should settle. I don’t think you should compromise.
But I also don’t think you should bring anger into your dating life. Because it’s not going to get you where you really want to go.
This spirit also makes dating a lot more fun, relaxed and enjoyable when you’re just trying to figure out who this person is and whether or not you’re a good fit. And if you’re not, it’s like “Okay, no problem. I’m not going to call you names, I’m not going to rage at you. We’re not a good fit, and that’s totally okay!”
And I think the people you date, at least in my experience, can pick up on that energy as well. And I think that energy or spisit suggests a certain self-confidence that can be very attractive to a lot of people.
So that’s my big takeaway from this video. It’s possible to live true to your dating standards without anger, without rage, without severe disappointment. Look for fit, and nothing else.
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