In today’s video, I’m going to talk about a male phenomenon that I see all around me. I’m going to share a message that I think a lot of guys really need to hear.

So, what is male simping (and why is it so toxic)?

Zachary Stockill: If you go to any beautiful woman’s Instagram page and start reading through the comments, you’re going to notice a few trends. Number one, the majority of the commenters will be male. Two, the majority of commenters will have no real personal connection to this woman. Number three, the majority of these “male simping” commenters will be offering lavish praise, talking this woman up, and saying, “Oh my God, you’re so gorgeous,” etc.

There are often creepy, needy sexual undertones to a lot of their comments. And the overwhelming majority of the comments on this beautiful woman’s Instagram feed is going to be this kind of needy, extremely thirsty, and often very creepy male attention.

You’ll see thousands of these comments from all these random guys on the internet, all kinds of male simping, idealizing this woman.

Let me give you another example of the phenomenon that I’m talking about. How often do you hear guys describing their wife and saying things like, “Oh, I can’t believe this woman would be with a slob like me… I’m so incredibly lucky that this woman chose me and she’s my better half…”

This kind of self-deprecating tone that a lot of guys take on when they’re talking with their girlfriend or wife.

The modern term for this is what a lot of people call “male simping:” guys being self-deprecating and holding women up as goddesses and princesses. “Treating them like a princess,” putting them on a pedestal. Talking them up saying how magnificent they are saying “they’re perfect, they can do no wrong.”

At the same time, they’re often talking themselves down saying, “Oh, I’d be so lucky to be with her…” It’s this kind of idealizing, pedestalising behavior that is absolutely repulsive to most women. That’s the first thing.

And number two has some extremely dangerous potential consequences for the guy doing it.

I’m talking about guys engaging in this kind of gross, needy kind of behavior because to my mind, this represents a dangerous form of idealization and idealization frequently leads to devastation. It leads to some serious consequences for the guy engaging the idealizing, as well as his partner.

Because when you put women up on this pedestal, when you’re saying that they’re these goddesses, and you’re so lucky to be with them, they can do no wrong… when you’re holding them up as these kinds of angelic figures, what happens when, all of a sudden, they come crashing down to earth?

All of a sudden, you find out something about their past, or personality that isn’t so “perfect?”

When they start to appear human, all of a sudden, this can shatter the idealized image that we have of them. And frequently this leads to guys lashing out at the woman that they’ve been idealizing.

When you’re putting someone up on this pedestal and they’re this angelic force, all of a sudden, it can be extremely disconcerting when they finally appear human. It can be extremely angering for a lot of these guys, when they’re putting someone up on a pedestal and all of a sudden, they find out that they’re “flawed” in some way.

Maybe they made some bad choices in their past, slept with some idiot at a nightclub four years ago and you can’t stand that fact.

There are guys offering all this free stuff, this free attention, free praise, but they’re expecting something in return. Even though they’re not making the terms of this “contract” known to the other party.

This is why it’s called a “covert contract.” There are all these terms, but the other party’s not aware of them. And thus, the other party doesn’t live up to their end of the bargain when the girl doesn’t reciprocate their feelings.

This is the perfect example: a self-described “nice guy” buys a woman dinner in an attempt to get sex from her. She doesn’t sleep with him. And all of a sudden, he’s calling her every name in the book because again, it’s a covert contract. It’s a sneaky, creepy way that guys use to try to get what they want.

So why am I sharing this message? Number one, Idealizing anyone is dangerous.

Number two, don’t idealize anyone, because everyone has all kinds of things that are wrong with them, blind spots, mistakes, bad things that they did in the past, etc. Don’t idealize anyone. For the men to stop idealizing women, women don’t want to be treated like a princess, or like a goddess.

Women are human beings the same as you and I. And if you’re giving women all kinds of compliments, attention, praise and free dinners, the attempt is to kind of extract something from them without them knowing it. Whether it’s reciprocal attention, or sex or anything else, you’re doing yourself a disservice and you’re doing these women a disservice as well.

Guys, this is not going to get you good results with women. Women don’t want this kind of supplicating energy around them.

It’s great for business, though! Great for a lot of women who are on OnlyFans or who are trying to get Instagram likes and all the rest… It’s great for their egos when a woman goes on her Instagram and sees she’s got 4000 random thirsty male simping guys saying how beautiful she is. It’s good for her ego, but it’s not good for you. And it’s setting up a really unhealthy, creepy dynamic and precedent for your dating life.

And a note for the well-meaning husbands who are making comments like, “Oh my better half, why would you be with a slob like me?” Talking themselves down to talk their women up again. This is not doing your marriage any favors either. Because no woman wants to be around that energy for long.

Please stop leaving these creepy comments or male simping on random girls’ Instagram pages. Stop trying to talk women up and hold them up as these icons of virtue in these goddesses.

I love women. I’m an enormous fan of women. But I know women are human. Women make all kinds of mistakes just like me.

So, please stop simping, men, have some self-respect. Stop talking yourself down all the time in an attempt to talk other people up. It won’t get you what you want.

There are better ways to go about getting what you want in the world and engaging with women in ways that both sides feel good about.

You’re not doing yourself, or the women you like any favors, either. So please stop simping, lads.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.