In today’s video, video I’m going to share an important message for male jealousy sufferers.

Men with retroactive jealousy: how do you deal with it?

A big question that people ask me sometimes is, “Zach, why aren’t you more active? A lot of free online communities are out there, whether it’s on Reddit, Facebook, and all the free communities around the topic of retroactive jealousy”.

I certainly have engaged with those communities in the past. And then there are various reasons why I’m not as active there, as I probably should be.

But a big reason is, I see a lot of endless complaining, particularly among men, women complain as well. But from my perspective, I see a lot of endless whining and complaining, and not a lot of action being taken.

Not a lot of ownership, self-reflection, people who are not owning their issue, their stuff, and getting to work. And instead, a lot of people, majority men, spinning their wheels in the mud. Endlessly complaining about their partners, their partner’s past, feeling wronged, a victim, and not actually putting in the work to get themselves to where they at least they say they want to be.

So, I see it as a bit of a waste of time.

Now, coming back to what I lead this video off with, dealing with men with retroactive jealousy, I was thinking about one of my basic mental frameworks for how I approach life, relationships, dating, and my work life. And there are two components I’m about to present.

Number one, don’t apologize for what you want.

men with retroactive jealousy

If I want, for example, 100,000 YouTube subscribers, some people might look at that and say, “That’s silly and unattainable. How the hell you’re going to do that? Speaking about this a little niche issue, that’s retroactive jealousy. You don’t have that kind of appeal. Anytime you put yourself out there online, you can get a lot of trolls, a lot of haters. And over time, it just becomes more comical than anything else”.

But the point is, if that’s what I want, I’m not going to apologize for that.

I am not going to apologize for that goal. And frankly, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of that goal. Because that’s what I want. It’s important to me.

The second point, don’t complain when you don’t get what you want.

In other words, let’s say I’d never get to 100,000 YouTube subscribers, I could make all kinds of excuses about it, “Oh, I picked the wrong thing to focus on. YouTube algorithm is just biased against people like me because I’m not doing a lot of the clickbait stuff and the stupid thumbnails. The world is against me, that’s not going to get me any closer to where I actually want to go”.

All this complaining and whining, that’s not going to help at all. That’s just gonna make me feel better for a minute but that’s not going to help me get to where I want to go.

If I’m complaining and whining, and I have this victim mentality, that’s going to keep away the people that I could actually use, who could help me get closer to my goal.

If I want to collaborate with some YouTuber who’s got way more subscribers than me, when he or she watch my video about me complaining, they’re gonna think “I’m gonna stay the heck away from that guy. He’s a victim. He’s got no energy. And why would I bring him into my life? He’s not helping himself. Why should I try to help him?

So, don’t apologize for what you want, and don’t complain when you don’t get what you want.

Just because I didn’t get what I want in a certain instance doesn’t mean that I’m going to change what I want.

Going back to the YouTube thing, if I don’t hit 100,000 subscribers, within a certain timeframe, I’m still gonna push toward that goal. If it’s really important and if it’s really what I want, I’m gonna have to change my strategies. I might have to pivot. I might have to do all kinds of things. But, I’m not gonna apologize for what I want, even when I don’t get what I want. Because what I want is still personally meaningful to me.

And I think it is attainable. It’s going to take some time and more hard work.

Now, why am I telling you this? I see a lot of men in the online space, men with retroactive jealousy, in things called the red pill community in the manosphere. A lot of guys are trying to sell themselves as dating gurus, as experts on women, as authorities that other men should look to and trust. A lot of these guys are just extremely insecure. Trying to puff themselves up. There’s no real vulnerability, which shows strength. Evidence in their personalities, and the way they present themselves. I don’t have a lot of time for these guys.

A lot of these guys involved in these communities have a lot of complaints about dating modern women. About marriage laws, family divorce laws, and all these stuff. And there are complaints to be made about certain subjects.

I see a lot of men with retroactive jealousy complaining about when the world doesn’t give them what they want on a silver platter, endlessly spinning their wheels in the mud chirping each other. There’s all this infighting in these communities.

And a lot of these guys say they want certain things, but when they don’t get those things, all they do is complain about it. Rather than recalibrate and double down on the work that they need to do to get where they want.

Life is hard. Relationships are hard. It’s hard to succeed in business, it’s hard to succeed in life.

If success in life and business and relationships were easy, everyone would be doing it. But everyone’s not doing it.

The divorce rate is over 50% and the overwhelming majority of new businesses fail to cite two examples.

men with retroactive jealousy

So how does this relate to you if you’re a male jealousy sufferer?

If you’re a male retroactive jealousy sufferer, you might want certain things from the world that you’re not getting right now. You might want a certain type of partner, a certain type of woman, a relationship, and a type of way of feeling about your partner that you don’t feel now.

Whatever you want, a lot of people play it very safely. When they’re coming up with their dreams and when they’re envisioning their ideal future.

A lot of men with retroactive jealousy, played very small.

And I’m saying don’t do that. You can aim for the stars, shoot for the stars. It’s okay to dream big. It’s okay to have big goals. I don’t think that there’s any reason for you to apologize for what you want, but at the same time, don’t complain when you don’t get it.

I’m not saying that if you don’t get it, that doesn’t hurt and that doesn’t anger you, of course, it does. But all this endless complaining, whining, and winching is not getting you any closer to what you want.

So instead of complaining, you have to double down on the work that you’re doing.

Now, you might have to commit to a different plan. You might have to pivot and to re-strategize. You might have to move. If you don’t have a lot of time for a lot of the women in your country, you might have to change your whole life and move. It’s as simple as that.

And this is not easy for a lot of men to accept, but if you have certain goals and aspirations, you should be willing to make big changes,

Complaining, whinging, and woman-hating in these toxic online communities is not getting you any closer to your goals.

So if you’re a man watching this, and you have certain goals for your dating life, relationship life, or your business life, don’t apologize for what you want, but don’t complain when you don’t get it.

Because, if you’re not getting what you want, it’s just time to re-strategize, time to pivot and you’ll get there eventually, with enough hard work, patience, and a bit of a sense of humor and taking yourself a little less seriously sometimes.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.