In today’s video, I share three more questions every retroactive jealousy sufferer should ask themselves.

Read or watch below to discover more questions for retroactive jealousy sufferers.

Zachary Stockill: Some of you may be surprised to know that I really believe that most retroactive jealousy sufferers have many of the answers to the questions they need already. They just need to be asked the right questions. So in today’s video, I’m going to share three more questions that I think retroactive jealousy sufferers should ask themselves. 

This year marks 10 years since I first started full-time work in the field of retroactive jealousy, and since I started coaching full time. And needless to say, I have learned a lot. I’ve learned enough to fill several books on retroactive jealousy.

But the point is, I’ve learned a lot. And if I have a particular strength as a coach, I think I’m pretty good at helping people think. My job is not to offer 100% of the answers. My job is not to pretend that I’m some infallible guru. I’ll leave that to other YouTubers… 

My job is simply to help people think, and to offer answers when I have them. And to ask people the right questions.

If you and I were in a one-on-one coaching relationship, obviously, I would be asking you very specific and pointed questions about your particular experience. I’d be trying to nudge you in certain directions, perhaps, or open you up to new perspectives or recommend specific exercises, depending on your particular history, your particular situation, and your particular struggles.

All that being said, obviously, this isn’t a one-to-one coaching relationship. But I feel confident saying that I think these three questions will be valuable to anyone who’s struggling with retroactive jealousy. 

Question number one is: Who would you be without this problem? 

more questions for retroactive jealousy sufferers

If you don’t have a clear conception of exactly what you’re aiming towards, chances are very good, you won’t reach it. We need somewhat of a map to know where we’re going. And more than that, we need a destination, we need a clear destination if we want to get anywhere. 

So when I ask who you would be without this problem, what I’m trying to say is: do you have any conception of who you’d be as a partner, as a man as a woman? How would overcoming this problem benefit your life? How would it change your life? Or how would it change who you are and your identity? How would it change who you are with your partner? Who would you be without this problem? 

And it’s interesting to know that with certain coaching clients, sometimes they’ve been struggling with retroactive jealousy for so long, it takes them a while to arrive at a full answer to that question. 

Many of these people aren’t exactly sure who they’d be without this problem. Because this problem has been with them for so long. 

Naturally, you might not have all the answers when it comes to who exactly you’d be or how you change if you manage to overcome retroactive jealousy. But it’s a good thing to start thinking about.

It’ll provide you with some inspiration and motivation during those periods when you experience a bump in the road. During those tough times, It’ll provide you with a clear destination, so you have something specific to aim at. And, hopefully, this will help you appreciate how important it is for you to start really, truly investing in putting in the work to beat retroactive jealousy for good.

My number two question is: how would overcoming this problem benefit your relationship? I compare retroactive jealousy to driving around with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake, always teasing that brake off and on…

And obviously, you’re never going to get anywhere if you keep teasing the brake all the time.

I often ask these questions to retroactive jealousy sufferers:

Wouldn’t it be nice to let this go, and let yourself love, and be loved fully? 

more questions for retroactive jealousy sufferers

How would overcoming this problem change your relationship? Would it result in more sex, would it result in more last together? Or would it result in a stronger bond and in fewer unnecessary and painful fights and arguments? And would it result in a closer relationship overall? Would it result in more intimacy? Would it result in more trust?

You probably get where I’m going with this. Obviously, everyone’s answer to this question is going to be a little bit different based on your experience of retroactive jealousy…

But it’s a great thing to start thinking about. If I overcame this problem, how would that change my relationship? And when you answer this problem for yourself, get as specific and detailed as you can.

I’ve saved the most important question for last:

If you don’t do what you know you need to do, what’s the worst that could happen?

If you don’t start taking the steps, if you don’t get serious about putting in the work to beat retroactive jealousy for good… what’s the worst that could happen? 

This is a valuable question to ask yourself whenever you’re struggling with any one of your personal demons, shall we say. And back when I was struggling, I considered retroactive jealousy to be one of my demons. If I let this demon take over, if I let this demon keep winning, what’s the worst that could happen? And get vivid and detailed when you answer this question. 

more questions for retroactive jealousy sufferers

Now, for me, when I was struggling with retroactive jealousy over 10 years ago, and I asked myself this question, I thought, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, obviously, I could push my partner away for good. I could lose an incredible presence in my life, I could lose my partner, I could lose this relationship that I spent years of my life investing in. And I could be forced to spend who knows how many years or decades regretting the toll that retroactive jealousy took on my relationship. I could fall into a depression, I could fall into deep anxiety. There are multiple, multiple possibilities, and none of them are good. 

So ask yourself. If you don’t take the steps to start overcoming this problem, if you don’t make overcoming retroactive jealousy a priority starting now, what’s the worst that could happen? 

Be brutally honest with yourself when you respond. 

And I think you’ll find this motivating and clarifying.

If you need help overcoming retroactive jealousy, I’ve got all kinds of products, services, all kinds of resources available to you. And you can start with something that’s absolutely free. 

You can start with my free four-part mini-video course on how to get started overcoming retroactive jealousy. I’ll send you all four videos over the course of one week. You can unsubscribe anytime. 

And so I’m trying to put this out there, and I’m mentioning this free course because there’s no excuse not to get started if you lack financial resources, or you lack time.

This free video mini-course will provide you with some answers and will provide you with some tools to start overcoming retroactive jealousy as soon as possible. 

Click here to sign up for a free four-part mini-course that will help you get started.

Or, if you need more help, then you can consider signing up for one-on-one coaching with me. [Subject to availability]

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.