In today’s video, I’m going to talk to a young woman who is troubled by the fact that her partner’s ex is still in love with her partner.

Have you ever been in the situation where your boyfriend’s ex keeps contacting him?

A question came in to me recently. Demi writes…

How to combat retroactive jealousy if the ex is still in love with my partner despite them not speaking for four years?

Zachary Stockill: It’s really hard when they’re still forcing themselves into our lives. This really sucks. This kind of situation must be really difficult and uncomfortable to deal with. So, my heart goes out to you.

If your partner’s ex is a bit of a psycho, that’s not a good situation. And if you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, this makes things a lot worse.

All of the advice in terms of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, all the advice that I lay out in this channel, as well as in my premium course, Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast, in my guidebook, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, all of this stuff, I’ve put a lot of content on this topic. And frankly, all the advice is absolutely applicable, given the situation that you’re currently in.

If your partner’s ex is still popping into his life over and over, it will be more complicated. There are additional challenges. But, retroactive jealousy can still be overcome.

my boyfriend's ex keeps contacting him

You’re probably going to encounter more triggers in terms of your partner’s past because of the psycho ex.

The most important question that you should be asking yourself about this current situation is…

How does my partner see and handle this situation? Is he still in love with her? Is she still popping up in his life in some ways?

What’s the best thing to do if your boyfriend’s ex keeps contacting him?

It’s worthwhile to think about how your partner feels about her. Don’t go crazy with this. If you’re struggling with irrational jealousy, you will drive yourself crazy.

In fact, people who are in the situation, the main concern should be the status of your relationship, not his past relationship with her.

At any rate, how strong is your current bond with your partner? Do you truly feel they are trustworthy? And, do you trust what they are telling you about how they see you as their partner?

Every relationship is a gamble.

But the fact that you’re writing to me, suggests to me that your partner is probably on your team.

He’s probably trustworthy, not fixated on his ex, the way his ex is fixated on him.

The situation can be as simple as that. This is where things like restraining orders come in, where you might actually have to put in some legal structures to prevent this person from constantly trying to mess up your life and re entering your life again, and again.

Unfortunately, this happens frequently. Where there’s a jilted lover or a person in the past who just cannot let go. These situations can be pretty dangerous. And I don’t know how serious your current situation is.

But it’s worthwhile to consider all the options here, especially when your boyfriend’s ex keeps contacting him.

But again, come back to how does your partner feels about you? How does he feel about your current relationship? How does he feel about his ex?

So if there’s a situation where, let’s say a woman cheats on her husband, and the husband finds out, and he’s absolutely furious at the man. The main question is, “Where will most of my anger be directed to?

The main person I’d be upset with would be my wife. She’s cheating on me, she’s the one who is breaking my trust. This other guy doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the situation. Most of my anger, my frustration, should be at my wife.

my boyfriend's ex keeps contacting him

These kinds of situations where there’s some other person trying to mess things up for you, your focus should be on your partner. And the extent to which you can trust them, the extent to which you believe what they’re telling you.

Aside from initiating some legal action to protect you and your partner, try to focus on what is within your sphere of control, and disregard everything else.

So if this ex is showing up on your front lawn, and screaming or whatever, if she’s really trying to insert herself into your life in all kinds of ways, there might be different ways that you can handle that are within your sphere of control.

Calling the police if necessary, blocking her on social media, and taking steps that are within your control.

But at the end of the day, you can’t entirely control her, if she’s driving in your front lawn every once in a while or whatever she’s doing. Unfortunately, there are limits to what is within your sphere of control.

But in these kinds of complicated highly charged situations, whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed or you just can’t handle things, bring your focus back to what you can control.

You can control the amount of love, reassurance, and affection you’re giving your partner. You can manage the health of your relationship and your communication with your partner.

Furthermore, you can control how you’re showing up in your relationship as a girlfriend/ wife.

Bring your focus back to what is within your power. And as difficult as it is, try as best as you can to disregard everything else.

Therefore, focusing on what you can’t control is a huge waste of time and energy.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.