“Help! I’m obsessed with my wife’s past…”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve received an email from a guy who says he’s “obsessed with my wife’s past…”
Thankfully, I can always tell these men that there is a way out.
One of the major perks of being an author and educator is getting letters from people who have been impacted by your work. It’s gratifying, to say the least.
Not long ago I sent an email to my mailing list (sign up using the sidebar on the right) asking people what they’ve learned since beginning to overcome retroactive jealousy.
I’ve received a number of very thoughtful, and moving letters so far.
Here is a very self-aware, and insightful letter from a student in my “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast” video course named Aaron, detailing his experience with being “obsessed with my wife’s past,” and his ongoing healing process:
I signed up for “Get Over Your Partner’s Past” because I was obsessed with my wife’s past.
There have been a lot of things that I have learned in the past month since starting your course. The biggest thing I have learned is that my retroactive jealousy was produced by feeling completely disconnected as a husband from my wife.
We have two small children and over the last few years we have pretty much given up on trying to make quality time for each other. Our duties as parents got in the way of intimate times with each other, which led to a lot of resentment between us, which obviously made intimacy out of the question, and led me on a downward spiral into retroactive jealousy.
I had convinced myself that my wife had gotten all of the “fun” out of her system before she met me and I was simply a safe bet for her to build a life with, and start a family with, then ignore once we had kids. I was convinced that guys that she had dated for a few months over a decade ago were all that she thought about instead of me. I knew I was insecure about some things, just didn’t realize that I was capable of just about completely falling apart.
The realization that we had lost not only our physical connection, but also our emotional connection was a difficult thing but it made me determined to fight to get our marriage back on track. We’ve been attending weekly counselling appointments now and we’ve made it a point to do more things as husband and wife, not as mom and dad with kids.
My insecurity and RJ have substantially improved now that I feel like I am desired by my wife, and that she still does think of me as the man of her dreams. I’ve been with her for 10 years now and I found out 2 weeks ago at one appointment things that I do that make her love me that I didn’t even know about, that was pretty awesome!
I also try to spend whatever free time I have in the mornings before I got to work practicing simple meditation and the breathing exercises outlined in the course. They truly help bring me into the now and clear my brain from the constant barrage of over-thinking I am so prone to. I’m much more confident too having written out my good qualities I have as you suggested in the lectures. It has made a difference in how people interact with me, male and female…
I was at a World Cup viewing party yesterday (damn you Portugal!) and had a great time meeting new people and was completely comfortable in doing so when that type of interaction used to make me nervous.
My wife would not be happy to know, but I even drew the attention of a beautiful young lady and had a great time talking to her during the game. She seemed genuinely disappointed when I flashed my wedding band and said that we couldn’t go hang out after the game since my wife and kids need me at home! I would never be unfaithful to my wife, but it was awesome to be able to carry myself with that kind of confidence that I can still attract the attention of a younger woman even at the old age of 34!
(ZS: Sending you a virtual fist bump. Great stuff.)
Thanks so much for your book, your course, and the Facebook group. I really enjoy trying to give good advice to other students in the course to help them deal with their RJ. Having an open forum like that for everyone to share their experiences is great, it helps me to remember that I’m not an bad person, nor am I the only one dealing with this!Keep up the great work Zachary, and I look forward to your new book when it comes out soon!
I’ve received a lot of exciting and inspiring letters since I began helping people overcome retroactive jealousy, but this might be one of my favourites.
So thank-you, Aaron. It sounds like you’re well on your way to having this thing beat, and I know that even bigger and better things are coming soon.
As I’ve written many times before, overcoming retroactive jealousy can be an extremely powerful, transformative experience. So don’t cheat yourself, or the people you love out of your best self for any longer.
People like Aaron are living proof that you, too, can overcome retroactive jealousy, and emerge a happier, healthier (and sexier) person in the process.
Click here to meet more retroactive jealousy survivors like Aaron, and see/hear/read dozens more success stories.