In today’s video, I’m going to answer an email from a retroactive jealousy sufferer, who’s worried their partner had sex in the house that he now shares with her.
So, what are some methods for overcoming retroactive jealousy triggers?
How do I stop thinking that my partner had sex with other people in the house that we share?”
I’m sure the issue is not just the fact that your partner had sex in this house. And so, all the advice I offer about overcoming retroactive jealousy on this channel, in my books, in my premium online courses, you can find details about all that stuff beneath this video.
But basically, all these techniques, strategies, perspectives, practices, and exercises are all going to be valuable to you.
So don’t try to take an easy way out of this problem.
Be sure that solving this problem is part of a broader commitment to overcoming retroactive jealousy more generally. This is a problem that plagues many retroactive jealousy sufferers where there are some physical or location triggers that can’t help but remind them of their partner’s past.
The obvious solution is to move. That’s probably not a practical solution. It can feel tempting at the moment to simply pack your bags, say “Honey, we’re moving, leave town or leave that house”.
Even if you did pursue that option, that’s actually not going to solve your problem either. At least not over the long term.
What are the ways for overcoming retroactive jealousy triggers?
So my first suggestion, aside from all that preamble is to start telling yourself a different story about this house. Stop telling yourself, “they had amazing, had great sex, and they had sex all the time.” or whatever it is, you’re telling yourself a certain narrative about this house.
You could start telling yourself, “This was the house where my girlfriend learned that I’m the best man for her. This was the house where my girlfriend had the best sex of her life with me. And this is the house where she really realized that I’m different from all the other men out there and I’m the best match for her.”
Whichever story you’re telling yourself, whatever phrases or quotes that you’re coming up with to tell yourself about the house, they should be personally meaningful to you. And they shouldn’t be completely fatuous. Don’t stray too far from the truth, but get creative and tell yourself the most charitable story that you could be telling yourself about your relationship with your partner in this house.
It’s also worthwhile that this can be tricky depending on your partner, but it can also be worthwhile to actually change up the physical space a little bit. And this doesn’t have to be a big deal. You don’t have to overhaul your entire bedroom or anything like that.
Another example, when I was going through a breakup, I literally just changed all my sheets to a completely different color.
And it’s worthwhile to sort of change the dynamic of the room, change the feeling of the room, and some of the psychological anchors in the room.
We have the ability to rewire our brains to a considerable extent, and when we change our physical environment in any way, this can help in changing some of our associations, our responses, and some of our feelings based on wherever we are.
Get creative. Think of some ways you could change the physical location that you share with your partner, as long as it’s okay with them. Share the idea with them and see what they think.
Another suggestion is to consciously start creating new memories in this house that you share with your partner. Get crazy and have sex in a room that you’ve never had sex in before. Maybe start doing different things with your partner in different rooms in the house, not just sexually.
The point is, to start changing the meaning of this house and sort of imbuing the house with fresh energy, memories, and fresh experiences that will hopefully help you break some of the associations that you might be painting in your mind, between this house and your partner’s ex.
I hope you approach this as a personal development challenge. And as a challenge that you certainly have the power to power through.
I hope you make the real commitment to beating retroactive jealousy for good.
And if you put in the work and you stay committed, sooner or later, this won’t be an issue anymore.