In today’s video, I’m going to share one of my all-time favorite perspectives in life that helps me stay grounded, overcome retroactive jealousy, and just overall live a more happy, peaceful life.

So, what’s the right perspective for overcoming retroactive jealousy?

Zachary Stockill: When you’re struggling with an issue like obsessive jealousy, retroactive jealousy, or any other really serious emotional problem, it’s all too easy to completely lose perspective on that problem. To completely make that problem bigger than it actually is.

It can be tough to stay grounded in reality, when we’re struggling with something like retroactive jealousy or obsessive jealousy.

I read a book years ago and it had a beautiful impact on me as a man. And the author of this book has since become something of a mentor to me and many other men. The guy’s name is Zan, Parian, he wrote a book called, “The Alabaster Girl”, which is a top recommendation for men and women.

There’s a particular passage in that book that I think about all the time. And the quote is, “the size of your problems is the size of your life.” And what I have taken away from this quote over the years, anytime I encounter a problem in life, is I probably need better problems.

What does that mean? If your biggest problem in life as a man, is the fact that your girlfriend once had sex with another guy, you probably need bigger and better problems.

If my biggest problem this morning is making this video really good. And neglecting everything else in my life. I probably need bigger and better problems.

And, if you’re a woman watching this, if your biggest problem in life is that your boyfriend was once in love with another man, you probably need bigger and better problems with these videos.

Know the right perspective for overcoming retroactive jealousy.

I am committed to telling people, particularly retroactive jealousy sufferers, what I believe they need to hear, not what they want to hear. I know exactly what to say, which is what most people want to hear when it comes to this issue. I’m not interested in that at all.

I believe a crucial message for retroactive jealousy sufferers need to hear is they need bigger and better problems. I am in no way trying to minimize how incredibly difficult retroactive jealousy can be. I’ve dedicated a huge chunk of my life working one on one with people on this issue to putting together the absolute best resources. I’ve invested enormous amounts of energy and resources into this topic. I know how incredibly debilitating it can be when you’re in it.

They completely lost perspective on the rest of their life and their mission, as they are working to beat retroactive jealousy. In other words, this problem consumed them, it became their entire worldview and entire life for a brief period of time. Many of them neglected their overall life missions apart from retroactive jealousy when they were in the midst of this problem.

So if my biggest problem in life is to become the absolute best man that I can be, in comparison to being infinitely better in every way than the man I was 2-5 years ago, that’s a good problem in life.

If you’re a parent being the absolute best parent you can be, that’s a good problem in life. If you’re married, getting to the goal of having an incredible marriage after 25 or 30 years, that’s a great problem to have in life. That is a problem that is truly worthy of your time and energy and attention.

Once you start making progress toward overcoming retroactive jealousy, start thinking about bigger and better problems to pick up. Start thinking about bigger and better challenges to start working on at the same time, as you’re healing from jealousy, from retroactive jealousy.

I devoted an entire online course it’s kind of like an advanced course, basically devoted to these questions. It’s called “The Overcoming Jealousy Blueprint”, you can find all the details in the description. If that sounds interesting to you. It’s basically an eight-week course where I kind of take you by the hand and ask you all kinds of questions and get clear about your mission, values, purpose, and how to reach those goals.

But if you don’t sign up for the course, just a great way to start thinking about this problem is, this is a problem in my life. But I need bigger problems, I need bigger mountains to climb, bigger challenges than this. The size of your problems is the size of your life, and you probably need better problems. I certainly did.

By the way, this way of thinking about the world, about thinking about your life is certainly not only relevant, when it comes to things like overcoming jealousy or overcoming retroactive jealousy.

What are the right perspective for overcoming retroactive jealousy?

Most of the time in life, it would serve us very well to reflect on this question, because it’s so easy to lose perspective on our problems through the day.

You know, our takeout delivery is late, we’re all worked up because we’re hangry, or we lose a little bit of money that we can easily make back and all of a sudden, that’s a big problem in life.

We sort of getting wrapped up in our own narratives that we’re telling ourselves about these relatively small problems in life, and we lose sight of the bigger picture. It’s so easy to fall into this trap. And over the years, it’s served me very well, to just keep coming back to this question.

When I’m encountering any kind of problem in life, I ask myself if this is a problem worthy of my time, energy, and attention? Or should I be focusing on bigger things at the same time as I work on this relatively small problem?

So there you have it if you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy and obsessive jealousy, put in the work to put it behind you. And as you’re doing that, start thinking a little bigger about your life.

Start thinking about bigger problems, bigger projects, bigger challenges, and counter-intuitively this really will help with your retroactive jealousy. Doesn’t sound like it will, but it absolutely will.

And I’ve had too much experience with this personally over the years to not believe it. Any retroactive jealousy sufferer will tell anyone who manages to work through this issue, that there are bigger and better problems waiting for you on the other side of the rainbow, so to speak.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.