Is Retroactive Jealousy About YOUR Past? Consider This [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I respond to a viewer who wonders “Is retroactive jealousy about my past?”

Read or watch below to learn more about the connection between retroactive jealousy about your past.

Zachary Stockill: A certain percentage of my students and clients struggling with retroactive jealousy are upset about their own past.

In other words, they either didn’t take advantage of a lot of opportunities when they were single or they didn’t feel like they had the option to enjoy singlehood.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve helped thousands of men and women from around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.

If you’d like to learn more about my work or are interested in working with me one-on-one, please click here.

For the people here for the first time, the term retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call mental movies about your partner’s past relationships and or sexual/dating history.

You can suffer from one of those symptoms, or all three, that’s basically what retroactive jealousy is.

Okay, today’s question comes from T.

T writes, “Through your many years of consultation and coaching, have you found a correlation between retroactive jealousy and guys who couldn’t get any during their single years?”

And “Retroactive jealousy maybe stemming from a frustration that if they couldn’t get any, why’d their partner get some?”

Okay, thank you for your question, T.

Ah, it’s delicate subject matter we’re getting into here.

Basically the question is “Have you found a correlation between guys who, you know, had a frustrating singlehood and retroactive jealousy?”

And the answer to that question is yes, sometimes.

In other words, sometimes there’s guys who maybe had many frustrating single years.

They meet a woman, they fall in love, they find out that their woman has all this experience.

And they’re struggling with that, and they’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, at least in part.

Because they’re projecting their own pain and frustration about their own past onto their partner’s past.

Yes, of course, that comes up sometimes.

However, probably not as much as you think.

In other words, as I say endlessly, the numbers when it comes to retroactive jealousy don’t really matter as much as you may imagine they matter.

In other words, your partner could have been with 10 people, maybe you’ve been with two, and you might look at that and think, “Well, that’s why I’m struggling with retroactive jealousy,”.

And all I have to do there is point to hundreds of my clients over the years, literally hundreds, who maybe their number was one, two, or three times bigger than their partner’s number.

You see what I mean?

They had a way bigger number than their partner, and they’re still struggling with retroactive jealousy.

And they’re still struggling with many, if not all, of the exact same symptoms that you’re struggling with, even if your number is lower than your partner’s.

So yes, this kind of dynamic where you have less experience than your partner and you’re frustrated about that, of course that can impact experiences of retroactive jealousy.

And I always say you’re not a victim of your partner’s past.

I don’t judge anyone’s choices as long as you’re being honest and acting with integrity.

So in other words, if you decide with a calm-headed, clear mind that you need more experience, you can go and get that experience.

It is not necessarily difficult. I know some people won’t like hearing that, but it’s true.

You can learn basic social skills, put yourself in social situations.

You can get on the apps, et cetera, et cetera.

Or you can get more dating experience.

The question is about priorities.

Is that really what you want?

Cause you can’t probably have both.

In other words, you probably can’t stay in your current relationship and have some kind of open arrangement and date other women and still be with your partner, right?

Doesn’t really make sense practically for most people.

So you have a choice, and I think it’s very important to see that as a choice and to remember that you’re making a choice.

You’re not a victim.

You either choose this woman and choose this relationship, even with this imbalance in numbers, or you move on gracefully, respectfully, and you go get the experience that you feel you lack.

What I’m trying to caution against in this video is this kind of retroactive jealousy purgatory that a lot of people put themselves in.

In other words, there are a lot of men in relationships with women out there resentful about their own past.

They wish they’d been with more women, they wish they’d had more experience or whatever.

So they kind of have this one foot in, one foot out vibe in their relationship.

In other words, they’re staying with their partner because it’s safe and it feels kind of relatively easy and familiar, and they enjoy the sex they’re having with their partner.

And she’s, you know, it’s just kind of, it’s fine.

But at the same time, they want all this other experience and they’re pissed off.

They’re angry that their partner has more experience than them.

So they lash out at their partner.

They make mean comments and they’re kind of sulky and moody and all these things, so they’re kind of one foot in, one foot out.

One foot’s out the door, and one foot is in the relationship.

And this kind of dynamic is not sustainable.

Period, full stop, end of story.

Your partner will tolerate that for a little while, but she’s not gonna tolerate that over the long term.

So it’s incumbent upon you to decide what’s most important to you.

Cause as someone very wise told me a long time ago,

“You can have almost everything you want in life. You can’t have everything you want in life.”

In other words, you need to decide what’s more important to you.

Is it going out and being single and having more experience with different women and all that? If so, that’s fine.

Make that choice.

No shame whatsoever, right? Sometimes that’s the right choice for certain people.

Or are you going to commit to this woman wholeheartedly without feeling like a victim of her past?

Because you are not a victim of your partner’s past, and you’re not a victim of your own past either.

You can make choices starting right now based on your priorities.

But remember that you are making choices, and however you decide to proceed, you are not a victim.

Sign up for my free four-part video mini-course on how to start overcoming retroactive jealousy.

It’s completely free, with no catch, and it includes videos and content you won’t find on YouTube or anywhere else, so be sure to sign up for my free four-part video mini-course to start overcoming retroactive jealousy.