Retroactive Jealousy and Open Relationships: My Thoughts [VIDEO]

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Zachary Stockill: In today’s video, I want to tackle a question that’s becoming more common:

Can opening your relationship help you overcome retroactive jealousy?

With the rise of polyamory, open relationships, and “monogamish” setups, more people are wondering whether a non-monogamous structure might actually solve their jealousy issues.

My name is Zachary Stockill and since 2013, I’ve helped thousands of men and women from around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships at RetroactiveJealousy.com.

If you’d like more structured support, you can learn more about coaching, or explore my online courses.

What retroactive jealousy actually is

For anyone new here, retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, obsessive curiosity, and what I often call “mental movies” about a partner’s past relationships or sexual history.

If this sounds familiar, you may want to read my article on intrusive thoughts about your partner’s past.

Now let’s talk about whether opening your relationship can actually help.

Open relationships: more complex than they seem

Let’s start with some honesty.

I’m not morally opposed to open relationships. I’ve known people for whom they work.

But in my experience, they tend to require a very specific type of person—and a very high level of emotional maturity, communication, and self-awareness.

Because here’s the reality:

Two people in a relationship are already complicated enough.

Add more people into that dynamic, and things become exponentially more complex.

Will opening your relationship fix retroactive jealousy?

Short answer: No.

I’ve been doing this work for over a decade, and I’ve never heard a single story where opening a relationship—or “evening the score”—actually cured retroactive jealousy.

In fact, I’ve heard the opposite.

Some people believe that if they gain more sexual experience—or sleep with other people—it will eliminate their jealousy.

But what usually happens is:

• The problem becomes more complicated
• The emotional stakes increase
• The relationship becomes more unstable

In some cases, people even damage their relationship beyond repair.

The real issue isn’t your partner’s past

This is the key point.

Retroactive jealousy is not fundamentally about your partner’s past.

It’s about your response to it.

Changing the structure of your relationship doesn’t address the underlying patterns driving the jealousy.

This is why many people struggle to stop thinking about their partner’s past, even when their circumstances change.

But what if you feel the urge to explore?

This is where things get more nuanced.

If you feel a strong desire to open your relationship, it may not actually be about retroactive jealousy.

It may be a sign that:

• You’re not ready to fully commit yet
• You feel inexperienced
• You want more life or dating experience

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

But it’s important to be honest about it.

Ask yourself:

“Do I feel this way even when I’m calm and clear-headed?”

If the answer is yes, that’s something worth paying attention to.

Don’t ignore that inner voice

If there’s a part of you that feels like you’re not ready to settle down, don’t ignore it.

Because if you suppress that feeling, it may show up later—when the stakes are much higher.

That’s when people end up making impulsive decisions that hurt both themselves and their partner.

So what should you do?

Instead of trying to “fix” retroactive jealousy by changing your relationship structure, focus on addressing the root issue.

Talk to someone you trust.

Get clarity on what you actually want.

And if needed, get support from someone who understands this issue deeply.

If you’re looking for more structured help overcoming retroactive jealousy, you can learn more about coaching or explore my online courses.

If you’re ready to move forward with more structure and guidance, click here to apply to work with me one-on-one.