Retroactive Jealousy and Questions About Values: Listen to This [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I will discuss retroactive jealousy and explore questions about values in relationships.

Read or watch below to learn about retroactive jealousy and questions about values.

Zachary Stockill: Retroactive jealousy often forces us to confront some of our deeply held beliefs about sex, dating, and relationships.

In today’s video, I will present some food for thought for any retroactive jealousy sufferer who is questioning their values and seeking help to think through their relationship and feelings about sex.

For those here for the first time, the term ‘retroactive jealousy’ refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call ‘mental movies’ about your partner’s past relationships or sexual history.

For many of us struggling with retroactive jealousy, it prompts us to think about questions like:

What is sex? What is appropriate or not? What is an acceptable number of past partners, and what is not? What kind of past sexual interactions are acceptable for my partner, and what are not?

Retroactive jealousy can often raise questions about our true values regarding dating and sex.

As I often say on this channel, we make sense of the world, we understand our place in the world by telling ourselves stories.

When I say ‘story,’ I mean it literally, not pejoratively.

For example, we tell ourselves, ‘This is good, this is bad, this is bad because of X, Y, and Z. She’s good or bad because of X, Y, and Z.’ You get the idea. We constantly write stories.

That’s how we all navigate life. But these stories are just that—stories. They may be true or untrue, but nothing is inherently a fact.

Depending on which school of philosophy you follow, there is no capital ‘T’ truth; it’s all a matter of perspective.

Suppose you are struggling with retroactive jealousy and starting to question your attitudes about sex, sexuality, men, and women.

In that case, the first and perhaps most important suggestion I can offer is to start thinking about your earliest ideas about sex, dating, men, and women.

Many retroactive jealousy sufferers, not most but a substantial portion, grow up in conservative or religious environments.

When they are very young, this kind of upbringing can influence their thinking well into adulthood. Such early environments can shape your values and inform your thinking throughout life.

It’s important to note that I’m not saying this is always the case…

I’m not saying you should necessarily reject the values you formed about sex, dating, and relationships when you were very young.

However, I think you should at least be conscious of them and aware of where they might have come from.

This is particularly important if you click on a video like this because it suggests you’re starting to question some of your values around sex, dating, sexuality, men, and women.

So, what were some of your earliest ideas about sex, dating, men, and women? Were they influenced by your church?

By your friends at school? Or, of course, the big one—the elephant in the room—were they influenced by your parents? By comments your mom or dad made?

Did your mother strongly judge a certain type of woman or relationship? Did your father make subtle comments about a certain type of woman or situation?

Did your parents have strong sexual or moral judgments about various people in your neighborhood?

Now, once again, before anyone gets defensive, I’m not saying you should necessarily cast all this aside.

If it’s working for you, great; I’m 100 percent on board.

But I think it’s valuable for all of us to be mindful and conscious of where these ideas may have come from.

Obviously, this isn’t always the easiest task. That level of introspection is often easier with someone to help you.

So, I’ll take a moment for a shameless plug: I’ve been working with people and helping them sort through questions like this for over 10 years now.

I’ve helped many retroactive jealousy sufferers get closer to understanding where their values truly came from.

If you’d like to work through these questions with me, click here to sign up for coaching. I’d love to connect with you.

In the meantime, start journaling about this.

Where did these beliefs come from?

More specifically, which values or beliefs would you like to understand better in terms of their origins?

You can journal in a free-form style, have conversations with your parents if they’re still alive, or talk with trusted friends and family members.

Start thinking about this because it’s very useful to know where these beliefs potentially came from.

Our beliefs about sex, sexuality, dating, and relationships are not innate; we are not born with them.

These beliefs are socially and culturally conditioned into us, for better or worse. It’s always good to know where they came from.

If you’re questioning your values or considering challenging your beliefs about sex, dating, women, and men, ask yourself:

Which of these values do I want to keep?

Which of these values work for me? Which of these values do I truly believe in? And what cultural or social baggage might I be better off leaving behind?

An obvious example of this is people who leave their religion behind. Again, I’m not saying this is good or bad, but it’s an experience that many people go through.

They grow up in a certain faith, creed, or religion, and then, sometimes in their teenage years, later in life, or even in middle age, they realize that they don’t actually believe these things.

They understand that these beliefs were largely socially and culturally conditioned into them.

“They’re not working for me, and maybe it’s time to start questioning some of those beliefs. Some of these beliefs might actually resonate with me and work well in my life, while others might be better left behind…”

This isn’t easy work, but it’s important. However, remember not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

This is not to say that all of your beliefs about sex, sexuality, and dating are necessarily wrong or not working for you, but maybe some are.

Getting clarity about what’s working and what’s not is important. Talking to someone like me, a coach, or a good therapist can be very useful for this.

Another good question I would pose, especially to men, is: Do you want to be ‘right’ or do you want to be happy?

In my experience, many people, particularly men, internalize certain beliefs about sex or women and are determined to stick to them no matter what, even if it makes them miserable.

Another good question I would pose to many men is: Do you want to be ‘right,’ or do you want to be happy?

In my experience, a lot of men internalize certain beliefs about sex or women and stick to them no matter what, even if it makes them miserable.

They’re not living good lives, they’re not happy, and they’re not having good relationships with incredible women because they’re so attached to these unproductive, unhelpful beliefs.

Again, it’s not my place to say if your beliefs are right or wrong, but when I talk to people with ironclad beliefs who are miserable, I have to ask: Is that working for you?

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Personally, I’d rather be happy. Life is short, and we’re all going to die, so let’s have a good time.

But ask yourself the same question. It can often be a clarifying exercise. Journaling, therapy, and coaching can be useful for this.

And finally, my last question to you.

For example, if you believe that your future wife must be a virgin and you’re unwilling to accept anything else, ask yourself:

Are you willing to accept the consequences of living true to that value?

For example, imagine you meet an incredible woman who is smart, ambitious, hardworking, and a great friend, and you have an amazing sexual connection.

However, she has been with a few guys in the past. If you’re living true to your values, as soon as you find out she’s not a virgin, you’ll leave her.

You’re accepting the consequences of your values. However, a lot of guys won’t do that. They’ll stay with a woman who conflicts with their values in some ways and end up torturing her endlessly rather than living true to their beliefs.

So again, this is a huge question, and I realize it’s easier said than done, but ask yourself:

If I’m so committed to my values, am I truly happy to live with and accept the consequences of those values?

There’s a lot more to cover on this very charged topic. You can always book my time by clicking this link.

If you are currently struggling with retroactive jealousy, you can click here to sign up for a free, four-part mini-course that will help you get started.

Or if you need more help, then you can consider signing up for one-on-one coaching with me. [Subject to availability]