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In today’s video, I discuss how to handle retroactive jealousy flaring up around the topic of long-term commitment.
Read or watch below to learn strategies for dealing with retroactive jealousy flaring up when you begin to think about the future.
Zachary Stockill: For over 11 years of working on retroactive jealousy, I’ve received the same email and comment countless times.
It’s usually from guys struggling with retroactive jealousy who are thinking about proposing to their girlfriend or wife.
If that sounds like you, I have an important message for you in today’s video.
I’m Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping people overcome retroactive jealousy.
I’ve worked with men and women around the world to help them strengthen their relationships.
If you’d like to learn more about my work, please click here.
Today, I want to share a comment from a viewer of my channel—someone who watches videos like this.
His name is Muhammad, and he writes:
“In your many years of dealing with retroactive jealousy, have you ever seen someone say their jealousy flares up as soon as they consider marrying their girlfriend?
I love my girlfriend, and we’re fully committed, but her past relationships really bother me.
It doesn’t affect me as much when I think of her as just my girlfriend, but the moment I feel she’s the one and I should propose, those retroactive jealousy thoughts take over.”
Do you know why that happens?
Before I answer, I want to quickly mention this for anyone new to my channel.
Retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts and obsessive curiosity about a partner’s past relationships.
I also like to call these thoughts “mental movies.”
So, what Muhammad is describing is that the moment he thinks about marrying his girlfriend, these intrusive thoughts take over.
He’s asking if I’ve seen this before, and the answer is a definite yes.
Over the years, many people struggling with retroactive jealousy have told me about experiencing something similar.
When they think of their partner in a more casual way—without focusing too much on the future—they feel relatively okay.
But the moment they consider a deeper commitment, like marriage, those intrusive thoughts start to resurface.
But as soon as they start thinking about marriage, retroactive jealousy suddenly rears its ugly head.
There are a few possible reasons for this.
One of them could be as simple as how you assess the risk of marrying your partner.
On some level, you might see your partner as a bigger “risk” compared to, say, Jane down the street who’s only been with one guy, or Lisa, who has no past relationships.
You might see your partner as a riskier choice for a long-term commitment compared to other women.
If that’s how you subconsciously feel, then while you’re just dating and keeping things casual, her past might not bother you as much.
But the moment marriage enters the picture, those concerns start to surface.
But as soon as you start thinking about her as a serious long-term partner, that risk assessment kicks in.
Now, it’s hard to give general advice on whether this reaction is rational or not.
In other words, whether your feelings are justified depends on the situation.
As many of you probably know, if you’re in the wrong relationship, feelings of anxiety can be a sign that something isn’t right.
That heightened sense of risk might be extreme because there could be actual red flags—maybe not even in your partner’s past, but in the present.
And sometimes, there are things that many people would consider red flags, which naturally trigger concern.
If your girlfriend has cheated on three of her last four boyfriends, is there a greater risk in marrying her compared to other women?
Let’s be honest—the answer is probably yes.
That’s not just a one-time mistake; it’s a clear pattern of behavior, and a pretty concerning one at that.
The same goes for women watching this.
If your boyfriend has cheated on four of his last five girlfriends, there’s a good chance you might end up on that list too.
Unless he’s truly done the work to own and change his behavior, there’s a high likelihood that pattern will continue—even in marriage.
But of course, nothing is guaranteed.
People do change—I see it all the time in my work helping others grow and transform.
That said, change isn’t automatic or guaranteed.
So, the truth is, I can’t say for sure whether your concerns are justified without a deeper conversation.
If we were in a coaching session, I’d be able to ask more questions and get a clearer picture of your situation.
I can’t say for sure whether your perception of risk is rational or not, but that’s a great question for you to reflect on.
Even if you’re not interested in coaching, take a moment to ask yourself: Is my perception of risk rational?
You can also get perspective by talking to close friends, family members, or even a good therapist.
Sometimes, an outside view can help you see things more clearly.
Getting outside opinions can be helpful, but it’s also important to reflect on whether your perception of risk is rational.
For those considering marriage, another major concern is the fear of struggling with retroactive jealousy forever.
If you’re already dealing with it while dating, you might worry that marrying this person means a lifetime of battling these thoughts.
That fear alone can make the idea of commitment feel overwhelming.
If you’ve been watching my channel for a while, you know that overcoming retroactive jealousy is absolutely possible.
Just because you’re struggling with it now—even if it’s been 5, 10, or even 20 years—doesn’t mean you have to keep struggling forever.
I just want to emphasize that because it’s an important message to remember.
If you’re thinking about proposing and suddenly your retroactive jealousy gets worse, it’s likely because, deep down, you’re worried that this struggle will never go away.
But again, that’s not necessarily the case.
There are steps you can take right now to work through it and avoid letting it control your future.
To start overcoming retroactive jealousy, there are steps you can take right now.
In fact, this is a great time to mention my free video mini-course.
It’s designed for anyone struggling with retroactive jealousy and looking for a way to start feeling better today.
All of this is to say that when retroactive jealousy gets worse as you think about proposing, it’s ultimately driven by fear.
Fear of the unknown, fear of committing to the wrong person, fear of struggling with retroactive jealousy forever—these are all common worries.
Maybe you’re also afraid that you and your girlfriend don’t share the same values.
And if that’s the case, that fear will only get worse if you commit to someone who isn’t truly aligned with you.
At the core, it all comes down to fear.
But as I always say, once you identify what you’re truly afraid of, it starts to lose its power.
Take some time to journal, reflect, and pinpoint the root of your fear.
Once you do that, you can start figuring out ways to address it.
If you’d like more information about my work, or you’d like to work with me one on one, please visit this page.
