In today’s video, I’m going to offer a bit of tough love to anyone struggling with retroactive or obsessive jealousy.

And share some insight as to what it’s been like to be the “retroactive jealousy guy” for over 8 years.

Zachary Stockill: When we’re struggling with any kind of highly charged emotional problem in life, it can be enormously tempting to become consumed by this problem, rather than looking for solutions.

Spending most of our time complaining without learning and implementing any real solutions to this problem.

For anyone struggling with retroactive or obsessive jealousy, or if you are a retroactive jealousy guy, my name is Zachary Stockill. And since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women from all over the world. Overcome retroactive and or obsessive jealousy in their relationships. And if you’d like to work with me one on one or you’d like more information about my work, please visit my website at

There’s an old principle, or shall we call it literature, think like the old school Tony Robbins, the basic idea is anytime we have a problem in life, we should spend about 20% of our time identifying the problem, getting in touch with what it is and trying to really figure it out. And the other 80% of our time, implementing and testing out real solutions to this problem.

I hope if you’ve been watching my channel for a while, you realize that I’ve really made a conscious effort to make this channel be different. I don’t want to just be talking about retroactive jealousy all the time without implementing real solutions to you.

If you’re watching videos like this, most of you want to put this problem behind you. You don’t want to be watching this video like this in 10 years still struggling with retroactive jealousy and being a retroactive jealousy guy.

For anyone who read my first book, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, or anyone taking my introductory course, Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast, the course is overwhelmingly filled with solutions.

Same with my first book, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy. Solutions take up about 80%. My basic point is I tried to gear all my work not being a victim taking proactive steps, towards realizing our own personal power in any moment.

Even in the most hopeless situations, I always come back to the maxim from Stoic philosophy that I found so useful in my own life, “focus on what is within your sphere of control, and disregard everything else.”

You’ll find that in my view, so much content around relationships and personal development, is exactly the opposite.

Everything is focused on the other people that are the problem of society or all these things that are external to the person having the problem. But again, there’s a good reason for this. And it’s a cynical reason, but it’s a reason nonetheless, for many people, being a victim feels really good.

This phenomenon of being a victim gives you permission to be lazy.

Unfortunately, one of the many lessons that I have learned since I started doing this work in 2013, not everyone who struggles with problems like retroactive jealousy, like obsessive jealousy, actually wants solutions. And I learned this the hard way.

I answered thousands of emails in the early days of my blog. One thing I learned towards just giving free advice, and investing thousands of hours of my free time doing this, is that many people weren’t really invested in their own healing. They just wanted to spin their wheels in the mud, complain, whine and call their partner names and not take any real action.

They kind of just wanted to stay in this victim mentality because they got used to it.

And on some level, they were lazy, because in my exchanges with these people, I would lay out solutions, I would give them plans and when I follow up with them, they haven’t tried and implemented anything. They’re still spinning their wheels in the mud.

They haven’t taken any action and any real steps. They’re spending all of their time identifying the problem, rather than devoting the overwhelming majority of their time to working towards real solutions.

So at a certain point, I realized that I couldn’t just keep spending hours and hours every day, responding to emails, blog comments, and giving away all of my time to these people who are not really invested in their own healing.

Thankfully, this really improved once I really started formalizing my coaching practice in 2014. Once I started taking on clients on a more structured basis. And thankfully, today, the overwhelming majority, we’re talking 99% of people who sign up for a call and booked my time, are super invested in their own healing. Motivated, open to learning, and open to actionable real-world solutions to their problem.

I found this so much more rewarding for me on a personal level because these people are making real progress.

They’ve started to put in the work and started to implement real solutions. They’re seeing the benefits in their lives and thankfully, I get to see some of these benefits as well.

They become more proactive. They’re not spinning their wheels in the mud. Retroactive jealousy is a distant memory, not something they have to deal with anymore.

So why is that? What separates these people from the people who endlessly spin their wheels in the mud? One group of people is spending most of their time identifying and implementing solutions. And the other group of people is spending almost all of their time complaining and identifying their problem in unnecessary detail.

If you’re struggling with this issue, if you are a retroactive jealousy guy, try to seek out solutions over mere discussions of the problem. Keep trying to be proactive, even when it’s tough, hopeless, and if you feel like you have no options. Because at any moment, there are multiple options available to you.

You can find dozens for free on this channel if you want on my blog, Obviously, I offer a guidebook and online courses as well. But if you don’t want to support my work financially, that’s fine.

There are all kinds of free stuff that I’ve offered. Over the years, literally hundreds of videos like this hundred of blog posts. There are solutions to this problem.

Don’t listen to anyone on the internet who tells you there’s no hope.

I am living proof that you can beat this problem for good. And if you don’t believe me, you can go to my website and read dozens of dozens of testimonials from people just like you who managed to put this problem behind them for good people.

Who always maintain focus on solutions, rather than merely the problem itself.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.