In today’s video, I’m going to talk about what it’s like to overcome retroactive jealousy and whether or not retroactive jealousy is still an issue for me in my personal life.
Read on or watch the video below to learn more about the process of recovery from retroactive jealousy.
Zachary Stockill: I received a comment on a YouTube video recently, and the comment basically said, “Zach, it’s been nine years since you wrote your first book, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy. How are you doing? Is retroactive jealousy still an issue for you?”
It’s hard for me to believe that 2022 will mark 9 years since I wrote and published my first book, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy.
It’s even weird to say that out loud because I can’t believe that nine years have already passed. And needless to say, there’s been a lot that happened in my personal life and professional life. There’s been an enormous amount of changes since then. I am not the guy who wrote that book.
Needless to say, when I wrote and published the book, there’s no way that I could have predicted that today I’d be doing the work that I’ve been doing. That my story about retroactive jealousy recovery would end up on the front page of BBC News, and all kinds of other crazy things.
How am I doing with retroactive jealousy in my personal life, and is retroactive jealousy still an issue for me? The first answer is, I’m doing great. Life is fantastic. I get to live the life that I want. I’m living in Indonesia, right now, and I have an incredible woman in my life. I get to do work that I love, I can see the results of my work, and I get emails from people who’ve been benefiting from my work, from my one on one coaching calls, from taking my online course, or reading my books.
The second question is: is retroactive jealousy still an issue for me?
The answer is no, and this is not a sales pitch. I mean, I look back on the relationships that I went through in my life, particularly in my 20s and up to now, and I’m filled with this incredible sense of gratitude for the incredible women who came into my life, who have been with me on this journey of healing, transformation, growth, and discovery.
When I say I’m a lucky man, I really feel that in my bones. I’m so lucky that some of these women came into my life and taught me certain lessons. I feel extraordinarily fortunate to have been in the relationships that I’ve been in. And frankly, retroactive jealousy has not been an issue in those relationships. It’s not an issue in my current relationship right now, and if you think about it, if there was ever an opportunity for me to have some kind of retroactive jealousy relapse, I’m the perfect candidate for that.
Retroactive jealousy represents a huge portion of my professional life.
A huge portion of my everyday life is devoted to thinking about talking and writing about retroactive jealousy recovery. I got on coaching calls with men and women from all over the world, every single week, and often, these people are sharing pretty graphic, intimate details about their sex life. And frankly, a lot of the time, these details are absolutely necessary, and helpful for me to offer my feedback, support, techniques, and practices.
The point is, if there was ever an opportunity for me to be triggered, it’s literally every day of my life. And frankly, I don’t go through that anymore and it hasn’t been so for the past nine years. If I was getting triggered all the time by YouTube comments, a coaching client, or all the rest, I wouldn’t be doing this work. This work is not worth struggling with retroactive jealousy again. It’s been a long time since I struggled with retroactive jealousy but I remember well how terrible it felt,
I remember the hell that I went through as a result of retroactive jealousy, and honestly, this work would not be worth it if it was taking a devastating toll on my relationship and on my personal life. But thankfully, that isn’t the case. I can truly say that retroactive jealousy is not an issue for me anymore.
In my late 20s, I was getting clear about my boundaries and values in relationships, what I was looking for in a potential partner, and what I wanted to screen out for. Because, it’s very important to get very specific about what exactly you want, and what you don’t want in a person, in a partner, and in an intimate relationship.
It’s important to clarify your relationship goals.
What do you want in terms of a partner and a day-to-day relationship? How do you want your relationship to sort of feel? What are the emotions that you want your relationship to help inspire you? What could you offer to a potential partner that might be attractive and valuable? It’s important to think about this stuff in order to start the process of recovery from retroactive jealousy.
Doing this will help you avoid massive arguments, fights, and clothes thrown on the lawn. I’ve avoided so much of the chaos, drama, and nightmare breakups that so many of my friends of the same age have gone through. I think it’s because I’m very clear, frank, and unapologetic about what I want and what I don’t want. And thus, in the past, when I was single and sort of finding out “what’s out there,” exploring my own values, boundaries, and relationships, eventually, I got to the point where I could “screen someone out” very quickly if someone wasn’t offering what I was looking for.
If I don’t want something that someone is offering, this is not a personal indictment, or vilification of that person. It’s about knowing at a deep level that the two of you are simply incompatible over the long-term. Nothing more.
I’m a big advocate for being picky in dating, when it comes to who you invite into your life on a long-term basis. We’re talking about marriage and relationships.
So, long story short, I’m doing great. I’m feeling fantastic. Thank you for asking. And retroactive jealousy is really not an issue for me anymore, because frankly if it was, I wouldn’t be doing this work. I wouldn’t be recording this video right now. Because there’s nothing in the world that’s worth going through retroactive jealousy again.