In today’s video, I’d like to share what I believe is an absolutely essential question for anyone struggling with any kind of retroactive jealousy.

A great quote resonates with a lot of people because it seems to capture something very true and profound. What I’m about to share is a great example of a great quote, dealing with retroactive jealousy ruining relationship.

The quote is from the American novelist, Stephen Chbosky, and a quote I work on issues relating to overcoming obsessive jealousy, things like that. The quote is…

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Zachary Stockill: Frequently when I’m having coaching calls with people struggling with obsessive jealousy, retroactive jealousy, anyone who’s struggling in their relationship, if I establish a deep relationship with them, eventually we’ll get into the meat of their background and of their childhood.

We approach issues relating to self-worth, self-confidence, and the extent to which the coaching client feels they actually deserve to be happy, love and feel they deserve their partner’s love.

Obviously, not every jealousy sufferer, whether they’re struggling with obsessive jealousy, retroactive jealousy ruining relationships, not all of these have real self-worth issues.

I do believe that insecurity is a common denominator in just about every experience of jealousy. My point is that a substantial portion of jealousy sufferers struggle with feeling worthy of love, and their partner’s love.

Hence, we accept the love we think we deserve.

Some of these jealousy sufferers are intentionally pushing their partner away. On some level, they feel like they’re not worthy of that love, or their partner’s love. They don’t deserve to be happy.

It can take some time because they’re not immediately obvious. Working with a great therapist or coach can be very helpful to really dig into the subconscious and these worthiness issues.

But in essence, I wanted to present this quote today and this idea as some food for thought. For anyone watching this, who’s struggling with obsessive jealousy, retroactive jealousy, retroactive jealousy OCD, and the like. It will take some time. You can journal, meditate on it and ask yourself, “Do I feel like I truly deserve to be happy? Do I feel like I truly deserve my partner’s love? Do I deserve this relationship?”

Spend some time and meditate on this over a period of several days or maybe a week.

retroactive jealousy ruining relationship

This issue of worthiness, this issue of feeling like we deserve good things goes far beyond relationships. For example, money is a big one for a lot of people.

A lot of people who feel like they want to make more money, if you dig into their psyche and what they think about themselves, they feel like they don’t deserve more money. They don’t deserve the money that they feel like they want on the surface of things, and thus subconsciously, they keep money at bay.

They do things without even realizing it. Preventing them from making the money they want because they feel like they don’t deserve it.

This might sound pretty far out and hippy-dippy. This secret manifestation stuff, but I do believe it’s true that if we feel like we deserve something, we’re much more likely to call that into our lives because there’s less resistance even on a subconscious level.

Whereas if we feel like we don’t deserve something, we’re far more likely to shoot ourselves in the foot. In essence, to sabotage ourselves, because deep down, we feel like we don’t deserve it.

retroactive jealousy ruining relationship

Now, obviously money and love are different. They’re not the same thing. That’s not what I’m trying to suggest, but they both represent different forms of energy and exchange on some level.

Think about this. Do you feel like you deserve your partner? Do you feel like you deserve your current relationship? And if you don’t feel like you deserve it, why not? What is keeping you from accepting the love that you feel like you want? What is keeping you from having a happier life?

I do think a substantial portion of anyone struggling with jealousy, retroactive jealousy ruining a relationship, et cetera, is intentionally keeping their partner at arm’s length.

And in a sense, using retroactive jealousy as an excuse to prevent further intimacy, because they fear this intimacy. On some level, maybe they feel like they’re not entirely deserving of it or perhaps they feel like they couldn’t handle the deep intimacy that they’re craving.

There you go. Just a few questions that I hope you consider if you’re struggling with obsessive jealousy, retroactive jealousy ruining relationship, anything like that.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.