Retroactive jealousy sufferers become obsessed with their partner’s sexual/dating history.

Retroactive jealousy sufferers find themselves feeling jealous, angry and upset about people their partner once dated or had sex with in the past.

I’d also like to remind you that my premium online course for retroactive jealousy sufferers, Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast, is available right now.

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: Today I’m going to share a few thoughts about rebuilding your relationship as a result of retroactive jealousy.

In this blog we will tackle about what to do when you’ve already asked a lot of questions about your partner’s past, and potentially shown your partner that you’re insecure. How do we reclaim our confidence in their eyes and heal any damage done? Does asking questions lead to a loss of attraction and is this permanent? Or, does it go away with time/effort/communication?

How do we reclaim our confidence in their eyes and heal any damage done?

The reality is you can’t always, and that’s a tough one to swallow. It’s probably not fun to hear, but it’s true. The fact is that retroactive jealousy can really destroy relationships and even destroy attraction. Sometimes you can rebuild that, depending on the damage that you retroactive jealousy and your insecurity has done to the relationship, but sometimes you can’t.

Retroactive jealousy can and often does destroy relationships. Sometimes it just takes longer. But, the most important thing is to realize that as soon as possible. There’s an idea in tantric philosophy, which I really like. And the idea is basically, if you fall in love deeply with someone once, in this lifetime, you can return to that state. It’s not a guarantee, but you at least have the potential. If you fall in love with one person once, you can get back there.

How to reignite the fire for Retroactive Jealousy Sufferers?


You can’t always, but think of it as a good way to look at this problem and to approach this issue is by remembering what drew you to your partner in the first place, and just have more fun. Retroactive jealousy can do so much damage to relationships and you might have endless heavy discussions. This is why my mantra for people trying to rebuild their relationship in the wake of retroactive jealousy are these two things.

First, have fun, and the second is remember what drew you to each other in the first place. Because guess what? I’m pretty sure that a lot of what drew you to your partner in the first place was fun. You probably thought they were fun. The same goes with your partner, I’m sure they thought you were fun.

There’s nothing like falling in love in those early days, and I do believe that you can reclaim some of that energy with a bit of patience and a bit of effort. So think of some ways you can remind your partner of what drew you to each other in the first place. Make them feel celebrated, appreciated, and make sure that they don’t feel taken for granted.

Retroactive jealousy sufferers might cause untold distress and damage to the relationship. So many couples fall into these habits where they forget what drew them to each other, because of the time spent together, they might take each other for granted, so don’t fall into that trap.

Does asking questions lead to a loss of attraction?

Yes, but not in every case. Most likely, retroactive jealousy is a cycle of asking your partner more questions about their past. This is frequently extremely unattractive behavior. Sometimes that can be reclaimed. Sometimes it can’t.

Practicing empathy is a good and real eye-opener. If you have a partner who is struggling with retroactive jealousy, bombarding with all these questions about one’s past, and evidently feeling somewhat threatened and insecure, how would that make you feel? Is that super sexy, confident behavior that I’m going to be attracted to? Absolutely not. Quite the opposite. So, be conscious of this.

Practicing empathy can be a great way to give yourself the motivation and inspiration to start overcoming retroactive jealousy.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask yourself, “How would I feel if I had someone who was treating me the way I’m treating my partner?”

So, just to sum everything up, make sure you don’t do more damage. Frequently, retroactive jealousy sufferers, have bumps in the road where they’re humming along for several weeks to sometimes even years. Whereas, if they’d practice empathy, if they’d remember that attraction can be somewhat fragile and sometimes you can destroy attraction and attraction is vital, in my view, for a happy long-term relationship.

Remembering all these things and keeping these things in mind will most likely help you overcome retroactive jealousy.

Remembering to have fun, remembering to celebrate your partner, and remembering what drew to each other in the first place really goes a long way toward undoing some of the damage that retroactive jealousy can cause relationships.

If you want to read more blog posts related to retroactive jealousy sufferers, click here.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.