Retroactive Jealousy With An Oversharing Partner: My Thoughts [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I discuss how to handle retroactive jealousy with an oversharing partner.

Read or watch below to learn strategies for dealing with retroactive jealousy with an oversharing partner.

Zachary Stockill: As you know, if you’ve been watching my channel for a while, many retroactive jealousy sufferers ask their partners many, many, many questions about their partner’s past.

But this is by no means all retroactive jealousy sufferers.

In fact, many, many other retroactive jealousy sufferers don’t want to know anything about their partner’s past.

Sometimes, it seems like their partner can’t stop talking about their past. In today’s video, I’ll share some strategies for dealing with retroactive jealousy and what we might call oversharing partners.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I have helped thousands of men and women from around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.

If you’d like more information about my work or want to work with me one-on-one, please click here.

For those here for the first time, the term ‘retroactive jealousy’ refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I like to call ‘mental movies’ about a partner’s past relationships or sexual history.

Retroactive jealousy can involve some or all of those symptoms.

However, many sufferers don’t have any curiosity about their partner’s past; they don’t want to know about it, talk about it, or hear more details.

They don’t want to know about their partner’s past, but thoughts of it still torment them.

To make matters worse, their partner is an oversharer who doesn’t filter what they say about themselves or their past.

So, how do you deal with retroactive jealousy if you have a partner who talks too much or overshares?

First, it’s basic advice, but often overlooked: never neglect the fine art of changing the subject.

If your partner or anyone else brings up a topic you’d rather not discuss, steer the conversation differently.

Get creative with changing the subject. There are subtle and tactful ways to do this without making it obvious that you don’t want to discuss a certain topic. Simply try changing the subject.

You can do this in several ways. One effective strategy is to ask them a question about something else. Everyone loves talking about themselves, so asking good questions can easily shift the conversation.

For example, if your partner starts talking about her past, you might say, ‘Oh, that’s interesting. Are there any good movies on this week? I saw a commercial for a movie I really want to see.’

Sometimes, depending on the follow-up question, it might be a bit obvious that you’d rather not discuss her past.

This isn’t always a bad thing. If this pattern repeats, and you’re dating a reasonably intelligent person, they will hopefully get the hint that you don’t want to talk about her ex-boyfriend or hear about her wild college years.

Eventually, your partner will hopefully start to understand that you don’t enjoy this subject of conversation and might avoid it in the future.

If that doesn’t work, you can simply state your feelings plainly.

When you do this, it’s important not to make demands, abuse, manipulate, or say mean things to your partner.

Just state your feelings clearly and see how they respond. Hopefully, you’re dealing with someone who is reasonably intelligent and cares about you, and they will respond well to your honest expression of feelings.

So, you know, as an example, you can just say, “Listen, I don’t love talking about your ex-boyfriend. It’s kind of a turn-off… I don’t really enjoy that. Maybe we could talk about other things.”

You can just state your feelings like that without all kinds of drama, hysterics, accusations, or whatever.

Simply say, ‘You know what? I really don’t love it when we talk about exes. I would prefer if we didn’t.’

Your partner may have various responses to this, but hopefully, they will respond with compassion and empathy if they are reasonable.

They might say, ‘Well, I don’t mind when you talk about your ex.’ You can reply, ‘That’s great. I’m glad you feel that way, but I feel differently… These are my feelings.’

As you go through this process, it is helpful in a relationship to frequently reflect on the positive aspects of anything potentially challenging about your partner.

In other words, try to see the silver lining.

For example, if you have a partner who overshares or talks a lot and shares many intimate personal details, it probably means they trust you significantly.

That trust should not be undervalued; it should be cherished and appreciated.

There is also a good chance your partner doesn’t feel judged by you or, at the very least, doesn’t fear being judged by you.

This is another positive aspect that should make you feel good.

So, if you are dealing with any kind of challenge in your relationship, always take a moment to reflect on the positive side of the negative experience you are going through.”

Remember that you chose this person for a reason, likely for many reasons.

No relationship is perfect, and nobody is perfect.

That’s an understatement. There will always be something challenging to deal with, no matter who you date.

Each of us is deeply complicated. The human brain is the most complex object in the cosmos, so there will always be something challenging about anyone you date.

I mention this because you don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

In other words, don’t think you would have the perfect relationship if only X, Y, and Z changed.

Or you might think, ‘I bet Jane over there doesn’t always talk about her ex.’

But if you dated Jane, there would be another issue that might be worse.

So it’s worth keeping that in mind.

If you’ve tried all of this, considered different perspectives, and shared your feelings.

If you’ve tried all this and your partner keeps doing the same thing, I have bad news for you. You can’t change other people.

Believe me, you can only change yourself and your perspective. Unfortunately, some people can’t be reasoned with or negotiated with.

If you have a partner who cannot be reasoned with or negotiated with, sometimes drastic times call for drastic measures. It might be worth moving on.

If someone is fundamentally unreasonable and has been that way for a long time, they may never change.

And that’s a recipe for a pretty miserable long-term future.

If you’d like more information about my work or you’d like to work with me one-on-one, please visit this page.