In today’s video, I’m going to talk about “the cost of doing business,” and how this concept applies to things like obsessive jealousy, and retroactive jealousy.

So how can this help when you are suffering from retroactive jealousy?

Zachary Stockill: Every endeavor in life, anytime we pursue something worth having, there’s going to be some kind of a trade-off.

For example, if you want to go out and make a million dollars, you’re gonna have to work really hard, sacrifice a lot of your time to earn that money. If you want to have children, you’re gonna have to sacrifice a hell of a lot of time, energy, and attention over a period of many years to reap the rewards and the benefits of having a family. Some people call this the cost of doing business.

So, many years ago, I was sitting in a doctor’s office in my native Canada. I was in a motorcycle accident in Thailand. I love motorcycles, I love riding bikes, and my knee was pretty messed up. And in this doctor’s office, I was being a bit kind of self-deprecating and mopey. I was voicing all of my complaints to my doctor about my knee and how I wish this didn’t happen.

Suffering From Retroactive Jealousy

And he looked at me and said, “Well, that’s kind of the cost of doing business. You live this international lifestyle. You like riding motorcycles and going to all kinds of third world countries where the medical care is not always the best, you can’t always get the care that you’re looking for and the things that you choose to pursue your hobbies, interests, your travels, this is the price you have to pay.”

This is directly applicable when you are suffering from retroactive jealousy.

So if you ask most men, what do they want in a partner, pretty near the top of the list are going to be things like beauty. We’re all different, but attractive women share a lot of these qualities such as beauty, intelligence, and so on. And if you are dating a woman, who is beautiful and intelligent, that comes with a cost.

She is going to have other men interested in her. She is going to constantly have other men pursuing her trying to slide into her DMS, trying to seduce her, regardless of whether these guys know if she’s in a relationship or not.

Beautiful women have many suitors at any given moment. And thus, if you want to date an attractive woman, this is avoidable. This is the cost of doing business with a beautiful woman, she’s going to have other guys after her. And there’s nothing you can do about that.

Literally, you can try to make guards, prevent her from going out, you can try to do all these things that are completely pointless. Or, you can accept the cost of doing business. You can trust her until she gives you a reason not to trust her.

Similarly, for retroactive jealousy sufferers, particularly men, a lot of men want a girlfriend or wife, who is sexually adventurous, has a high sex drive, is expressive in bed, and who knows what she’s doing. Guess what, when you date a woman like that, particularly if she’s in her late 20s or 30s, chances are very good that she’s going to have had some experiences before she met you. She’s going to have a past because that’s an aspect of her personality of who she is.

And again, this is the cost of doing business, when you’re dating in the 21st century.

I often tell guys, they can go to the farthest reaches of the desert or wherever and try to find some mythical virgin or a girl who’s never even looked at another guy. You can try to do all this stuff, or you can simply realize that we live in 2021.

Suffering From Retroactive Jealousy

This is the reality of dating nowadays. Most young people, men, and women alike are going to have done some experimentation in their past. And if you want to date a woman who is sex-positive, sexually liberated, and likes trying new things, the cost of doing business and the price you might have to pay in a certain sense.

Maybe try to warm up to the reality that you can go look for a virgin or someone with zero experience, but they might be sexually frigid. They might have a lot of really negative damning beliefs about sex. They might not be able to have orgasms. You might run into all kinds of problems if you go looking for someone based on these simple criteria of someone who’s never been with anyone.

So I would encourage you the next time you encounter some experience in life, where you’re dealing with some persistent intrusive thoughts, to think of what the cost of doing business is.

I would encourage you to start thinking about the cost of doing business in your everyday life. If you’re a retroactive jealousy sufferer, try to think about this concept and how it might apply to you and your situation.

And I promise you it’s just a recipe for a better life, you will handle it better when you are suffering from retroactive jealousy.

You have less of a victim mentality. You accept things as they come, you’re more mellow. You’re more willing to make sacrifices when you realize that anything in life is worth having, you’re going to have to pay a certain price in order to get what you want.

There’s really no escaping that, and that’s okay.

Zachary Stockill
Zachary Stockill

Hi! I'm a Canadian author and educator whose work has been featured in BBC News, BBC Radio 4, The Huffington Post, and many other publications. I'm the founder of, the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy and The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook, and the host of Humans in Love podcast.