Vetting For A Long-Term Relationship? DON’T Do This [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I want to discuss one of the main mistakes guys make when vetting for a long-term relationship.

Read or watch below to learn more about one mistake to avoid when vetting for a long-term relationship.

Zachary Stockill: If you’re new here, to my work, or my channel, you might not be familiar with the term “retroactive jealousy.” It’s a phrase that describes unwanted, intrusive thoughts.

These can include obsessive curiosity and what I call “mental movies” about a partner’s past relationships or their sexual and dating history.

 Over more than a decade of full-time dating and relationship coaching among men and women, there’s one trend I’ve repeatedly noticed that never fails to surprise me.

Many people, particularly men, suffer from retroactive jealousy.

They find it difficult to come to terms with the idea that their girlfriend or wife had an active sex life before them.

They also struggle with the reality that their current relationship might not be as sexually fulfilling as they wish.

Men often feel troubled by the thought that their partner has had many sexual experiences in the past but doesn’t show the same interest in sex now.

During coaching calls, I talk to these men and ask detailed background questions.

We delve deep into the issue, and I inquire whether they ever had a fulfilling sex life with their partner.

Many men worry that their partner, who once had an active sex life, is now less interested in sex.

During our coaching sessions, I ask them about their past experiences. I’m often surprised to hear that many of them never had a truly satisfying intimate life with their partner.

They tell me it’s always been mediocre at best. Some say that from the start of their relationship, their partner expressed that sex wasn’t a priority for them.

Others mention that their partner has consistently had excuses for not wanting to be intimate.

You get the idea.

Frequently, these men are angry and frustrated because their sex life isn’t what they hoped it would be.

They often take out their anger on their partners, and sometimes they even become emotionally or verbally abusive.

Often, the situation is difficult because the man desires a certain level of intimacy that his partner, his woman, clearly doesn’t feel the same about.

The crucial mistake I want to address in this video is committing to someone long-term in the hope that she will change.

You might tell yourself that the behavior you currently find objectionable will change over time.

Now, I understand that many men and women aren’t always truthful.

I know that they can do things like gaslighting and making promises, saying things will change or get better eventually, and so on.

Right? This is a fundamental mistake that not only men make, but many women as well.

They make a long-term commitment to someone while thinking, ‘This issue that’s really a deal-breaker for me will change, or they’re working on it. It’ll get better with time.’

Now, I work on helping people change personally. I understand very well that people can and do change, but not always.

In my coaching calls with men who struggle with their partner’s past and their current lack of sexual interest, I’ve seen that often their partners aren’t as committed to personal growth as they are.

In simpler terms, many of these men come to me actively working on themselves—they’re hitting the gym, focusing on their business or career, seeking coaching for self-improvement, and reading self-help books.

They’re truly invested in personal growth, yet sometimes they find that their partner doesn’t share this passion for change.

By the way, inviting a woman into your life for the long term without considering this can be a big mistake many men make.

It’s problematic if you’re much more interested in personal growth and transformation than your partner.

I’m not suggesting that you and your partner need to have identical paths.

Certainly not. For instance, you might get into Buddhism, and she might take up yoga or something else. I’m not saying you have to be on the exact same journey of personal growth.

However, if you’re like me, and I suspect many of you watching are, and you value personal transformation, I believe it’s important to be with someone who shares that interest.

Again, many men have told me their partner makes all sorts of excuses, saying that one day she’ll get into personal growth or one day she’ll change.

But that’s just talk. The main point I want to emphasize in this video is that while people can change, it’s a big mistake to commit to someone long-term, hoping that they will eventually change.

I believe that when you commit to someone for the long term, you need to accept them as they are at this moment.

You shouldn’t fool yourself into thinking that marriage, having a baby, or improving her relationship with her mother will change her in the ways you want.

You can’t expect her to become a new woman just because of these changes. That’s not a realistic way to think if you’re planning to commit to someone long-term.

By the way, this topic has been on my mind a lot lately because I’m engaged.

I’m right in the middle of planning my wedding, so commitment and everything related to it is something I’ve been thinking about a great deal.

I’ve had to rethink many of my own beliefs about commitment and marriage. I’m reading plenty of books, having deep discussions with others, and doing a lot of personal reflection too.

What I’m coming to understand, to be honest, in my own life, is that you can’t commit to someone while telling yourself that everything will be perfect in 10 years once X, Y, and Z change.

As I always mention, if you’re thinking about a long-term commitment with someone, take your time.

Give yourself enough time to truly understand who they are in the long run, in everyday life.

An acquaintance of mine, Dr. Sean T. Smith, whom I once interviewed on my old podcast and who is a great guy, wrote an excellent book for men contemplating long-term commitment.

The book is titled ‘The Tactical Guide to Women,’ which I highly recommend. Dr. Smith advises dating someone for at least one year before making a long-term commitment.

And just to clarify, when I talk about long-term commitment, I mean actions like moving in together, getting engaged or married, or starting a family together.

These are all forms of long-term commitments, each serious in its own way. I believe, and Sean T. Smith agrees, that a minimum of one year is needed.

Two years is better, and three years is even better than two. You get the idea. It takes time to truly understand someone.

And if, after one, two, or even three years, the part of the relationship you’re not happy with hasn’t changed, then guess what?

There’s a good chance it won’t ever change. In my opinion, if sexual and physical intimacy are very important to you, I don’t see anything wrong with ending the relationship.

This is especially true if she doesn’t share your commitment to intimacy or your interest in sexual exploration.

Honestly, it’s rare for that level of intimacy or a mutual commitment to it to appear 10, 15, or 20 years down the line.

You don’t want to risk waiting 1, 2, 3, or even 10 years for a change in physical intimacy that might never happen.

Don’t commit to someone with the hope they’ll change, because while sometimes they might, often they won’t.

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