In today’s video, I’m going to tell you about why I work on retroactive jealousy (after more than seven years).
So if you had told me back in 2013, when I first published my guidebook Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, that today seven years later, I would still work on retroactive jealousy, I might not have believed you.
One of the reasons is because at the time I still thought that retroactive jealousy was a a pretty rare condition, which relatively speaking it is, but it’s not as rare as you think.
Secondly, I felt that working on such a relatively narrow issue would be somewhat limiting.
I thought that, I’d probably lose interest in it over time and that eventually I would expand my interests and pursue other topics, pursue other areas.
I certainly am interested in other topics. If you listen to my podcast, Humans in Love, you’ll find out that I’m interested in a wide variety of topics.
However, I’m more committed today than I ever have been in the past to this issue of retroactive jealousy.
I remain very, very, very interested in this issue for a range of reasons.
But I think at the top of the list, if I was going to nail it down, is that often when you see start investigating your own retroactive jealousy, it can open up a whole Pandora’s box of other issues, other topics, other themes, other perhaps insecurities.
Retroactive jealousy can actually be a portal, a personal development portal into a much wider landscape than a lot of people might realize.
So people email me every single day about retroactive jealousy, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have relationships with retroactive jealousy suffers spanning many, many, many years.
Often people find my course, they start feeling better, things are good and we keep in touch over a period of many years. It’s really nice and it’s been invaluable to me as I worked to understand this issue better.
One thing I have noticed, and one thing these people have noticed is when they start putting in the work to overcome retroactive jealousy, they think that it’s just about retroactive jealousy.
They think it’s about this one, relatively narrow issue in their life, in their relationship, that they need to solve.
Once they get a handle on that problem, once they start putting in the work to really overcome it, once they learn the tools, techniques, practices, perspectives that are proven to be effective against this particular disorder, once they start incorporating this into their life, they realize:
Oh. My retroactive jealousy was actually about a lot of different things. The issue that I have with my partner’s past is not just about retroactive jealousy…
Sometimes it’s about broader patterns of obsessive thinking, spending maybe their whole life.
Sometimes investigating this issue and digging deeper into their own retroactive jealousy, inspires them to dig deeper into their own childhood or maybe their own past trauma or their past relationship experiences that, they’re still carrying around years later.
Retroactive jealousy has inspired people to like make peace with their parents over decades of estrangement, and level up their business. People realize that this particular issue has really been holding them back even subconsciously far beyond their personal life in their professional life.
For me, I’d always considered myself a pretty confident guy until retroactive jealousy really started bringing me down.
Once I started really getting a handle on that, I found that it just opened up all of these different avenues in my life and different ways of thinking and different ways of looking at the world and different ways of thinking about myself as a man, my own capabilities as a man, my own ability, my own potential.
What I’m trying to say here is retroactive jealousy is about far more than retroactive jealousy.
If you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, it’s very likely that this issue is holding you back in multiple areas of your life.
It’s equally likely that truly investigating this issue within yourself, putting in the work to overcome it, will open up a range of new avenues and possibilities for you in your life, in your relationship life, maybe in your professional life, maybe in your family life.
There are many ways that retroactive jealousy can hold us back without us even realizing it.
Similarly, the more we work to heal this particular issue, the more we might be healing other issues in our life that maybe we’re not even aware of, maybe solving other problems that we had, that we didn’t initially link to retroactive jealousy, but it turns out they actually are intimately linked.
So very long story short, the main reason I’m still just as interested in this issue and just as committed to helping people overcome it seven-plus years later, is because retroactive jealousy on the face of it is a small thing maybe, or a relatively narrow issue.
But I found over and over and over again, working one on one with thousands of retroactive jealousy suffers working with these people one on one that the return on your investment of actually putting in the work to overcome retroactive jealousy is just incredible.
It really is.
We think that we’re just working to solve this narrow issue, but by solving this issue, we actually worked to confront a number of different issues in our life and thus solving this one issue opens up a wide new avenue of possibilities and ways of thinking and pathways to building a better life and relationship more generally.