Your Beliefs And Retroactive Jealousy: Time to Change? [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I discuss how your beliefs and retroactive jealousy are connected and what you can do to address them.

Read or watch below to learn more about how your beliefs and retroactive jealousy may be affecting your relationship.

Zachary Stockill: Recently, a viewer of my channel asked me an interesting philosophical question that I had to share with you: “Will my retroactive jealousy go away if my beliefs don’t change?”

So, in today’s video, I’ll try to answer that.

I’m Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping people worldwide overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.

If you’d like to work with me one-on-one, please click here.

For the people here for the first time, the term ‘retroactive jealousy’ refers to unwanted, intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I like to call “mental movies” about a partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history.

You might experience just one of these issues or all of them, but that’s essentially what retroactive jealousy is.

So, will retroactive jealousy go away if your beliefs don’t change?

The short answer is: if your beliefs are causing your retroactive jealousy, then no, it probably won’t go away entirely.

If you don’t at least challenge some of those beliefs, retroactive jealousy may persist. As long-time viewers of this channel know, I usually break retroactive jealousy down into three categories.

On one end, there’s relatively minor, what I might call “normal,” everyday retroactive jealousy—like when people feel uncomfortable hearing about their husband’s ex-wife.

Or, for example, feeling like, “I don’t need to know details about your relationship with your boyfriend.”

It’s the kind of thing many people can relate to—not extreme or over the top, just a minor annoyance that pops up occasionally. Many people deal with this.

The second type is what I call “values-based retroactive jealousy.”

This is where there may actually be some clear red flags in someone’s past or some real incompatibilities that deserve attention.

In other words, there might be a rational basis for your retroactive jealousy—this feeling might not be entirely irrational.

Finally, Type 3 is more like OCD, where the jealousy is largely irrational.

You’re thinking about it constantly and having intrusive thoughts all the time, yet in your calm moments, you know there’s no real concern or doubts about your partner’s values.

You might not be thrilled about your partner’s past, but you just can’t stop thinking about it.

This question about values relates to what I call Type 2 Retroactive Jealousy or values-based retroactive jealousy.

Many people comment on this channel, saying things like, “My girlfriend’s a terrible person” or “She did all these awful things, and I can’t accept it… so how do I save the relationship?”

Or, for instance, “My husband’s a serial cheater, I don’t trust him at all, he’s been this way forever, and we don’t share the same values. How do I save my relationship?”

Or another example: “I love my girlfriend deeply, but she’s done things that I’m fundamentally not okay with.”

I can’t accept it. I won’t accept it. So how do I save my relationship?”

The short answer is, you can’t–not if you truly believe your partner doesn’t share your values.

Now, early on in dating, we may sometimes wonder if our partner shares our values.

For example, one of my values is being on time. I’m a bit obsessive about it—if I have a call at 10 a.m., I’m ready to go exactly at 10. If I say I’ll meet you for coffee at 11, I’ll probably be there by 10:50.

That’s just who I am; I value punctuality. So, if I’m dating someone who’s always late, it’s not necessarily a dealbreaker, but it’s worth a conversation.

I know it’ll annoy me each time, which could eventually hurt the relationship because that’s just how I am.

Maybe she should find someone who’s also a bit late and a little flaky—that’s fine. I’d be genuinely happy for her.

Because, to me, dating is mainly about finding the right fit.

With that said, here’s another important question—it’s kind of the flip side of what I was just talking about: Are your values working for you?

I’m often surprised by how many people are determined to stick to values that make them miserable, keep them from having great relationships, and hold them back in various areas of life.

I’m not here to tell you what your values should be, or that you need to adopt mine. Not at all. I’m a libertarian—you do you, I do me, and everyone’s good.

But if your values are making you miserable, if they make you feel like no one you date is on your level, or if they keep you isolated from others and up at night feeling torn and troubled, then sometimes it’s worth questioning them.

I’m not saying you need to abandon your values or give up on all of them.

But as we grow into adulthood, it’s good to question our values, to reflect on them regularly, and, most importantly, to decide whether or not they’re working for us.

For example, let’s go back to my value of being on time. It works for me—it makes me more productive and benefits my relationships.

That’s a good one, and I plan to keep it for the rest of my life. I like that value.

That’s a value that works well for me. But there’s one that didn’t serve me so well—I used to hold onto grudges far too long.

One of my values was, “If you cross me once or do something bad, that’s it—you’re out.” As I’ve gotten older and mellowed a bit, I’m still working on forgiveness, to be honest.

I’m not great at forgiveness, but I’ve let go of that harsh, unforgiving attitude when people upset me. In the past, it cost me some friendships and pushed people away.

Over the last 10 years or so, it’s really helped me to let that go and become a bit more relaxed.

Being a bit more forgiving has really benefited my life. So, ask yourself which of your values are truly working for you and which ones might not be.

Then make good choices based on that. It would be a real waste to stay committed to values that don’t actually serve you.

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