Concerns About Your Partner’s Past: What to Do [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I discuss concerns about your partner’s past and how to manage these feelings for a healthier relationship.

Read or watch below to learn more about concerns about your partner’s past and how to overcome them.

Zachary Stockill: Does this sound familiar? You meet someone interesting, go on a few dates, and as you grow closer, you start opening up to each other.

Then, all of a sudden, you learn a few things about their past that raise some concerns. If you have any worries about your partner’s past relationships or dating history, this video is for you.

Today, I’m going to share five tips for letting go of any concerns you may have about your partner’s past.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, and I’ve helped thousands of people from all over the world overcome worries about their partner’s history and conquer retroactive jealousy.

If you’re interested in working with me one-on-one or want more information about my work, please visit this link.

For those who are new here, the term retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted, intrusive thoughts.

It often involves obsessive curiosity or what I call ‘mental movies’ about a partner’s past relationships or sexual history.

It can feel like a living nightmare—I know because I’ve experienced it myself.

As a survivor of retroactive jealousy, I believe I’m especially qualified to speak on this topic.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve worked with thousands of people to help them navigate this issue.

Sometimes, retroactive jealousy can be somewhat irrational, almost like a form of OCD.

It doesn’t quite make sense to have such intense emotional reactions to your partner’s past.

You find yourself unable to stop thinking about it, and it may be due to a biochemical imbalance, meaning there’s really nothing to worry about.

However, in some cases, there might be real reasons for concern.

For example, if you and your partner don’t share the same values, it can make things more complicated.

No matter which situation you relate to, today I’d like to share five tips for letting go of worries about your partner’s past.

My number one tip is to consider the evidence you have of your partner’s character right now, in the present.

As I always say, when judging someone’s character, their recent past is most revealing.

It offers a better indication of their future behavior than their distant or ‘ancient’ past.

Sometimes, when I’m on coaching calls, clients express concern about things that happened decades ago.

This occurs especially with men, but also with women.

Now, occasionally, there is a reason to be concerned about events from that long ago, especially if someone was dishonest about their past or something similar.

I completely understand that.

Your wife’s character over the past 5 or 10 years provides a much clearer idea of who she might be in the future.

This is more relevant than something that happened 20, 30, or even 40 years ago.

In my opinion, and in my experience, recent behavior and events tend to matter more than those from the distant past.

My next tip, if you’re worried about your partner’s past and want to let go of those concerns, is to ask yourself: what evidence do you have of your partner’s growth?

In other words, if there are things in their past they might regret, feel embarrassed about, or aren’t proud of, what signs do you see that show they’ve changed?

Are they aware they weren’t their best self at times, and are they consciously choosing to be different now?

This is connected to my previous point because someone’s growth can be measured by the actions they repeatedly choose.

This is especially true when looking at their more recent past.

For example, if I was a heavy drinker in my late teens but had barely touched alcohol in the last five years, that would show growth.

In other words, I recognized that I had a problem and was heading down the wrong path, so I made changes.

And I have proof—anyone who’s known me over the past five years can confirm that I’ve significantly cut down.

That’s just one example, but you get the idea. Look for specific actions your partner has taken recently that show growth.

Make a list of these, as they can provide important clues.

My next tip, also related to the last two, is to consider how self-aware your partner is.

I think this is crucial when evaluating anyone for a long-term relationship.

Self-awareness is incredibly important and, unfortunately, quite rare.

If someone keeps making the same mistakes repeatedly and has a victim mentality, it’s a concern.

If they also don’t take ownership or initiative in their life, it raises even more red flags.

When they talk about things that have happened, it’s always in a passive way, like, ‘Oh, this just happened to me,’ or ‘I just sort of fell into that relationship or habit.’

They speak about their life as if they have no control over it.

I think that’s a huge red flag, and it’s something anyone looking for a long-term, stable, monogamous relationship should be very aware of.

I believe it’s important in life to take ownership and accountability. If your partner lacks self-awareness, it doesn’t bode well for a long-term future together.

So, it’s important to pay attention to this. Look for evidence in their life, listen to things they’ve said to you recently, and notice how they talk about their past.

Look for signs of self-awareness, growth, and accountability.

I believe that if your partner made mistakes ten years ago but is very clear about what those mistakes were and has evidence of the changes they’ve made since, it shows a lot about their character.

If they’re not playing the victim or blaming the world for their problems, that’s a positive sign.

If they also haven’t repeated those mistakes in the years that followed, it should give you a strong indication of their true character.

My fourth tip for letting go of concerns about your partner’s past is to always remember that risk is a natural part of any relationship.

Sometimes, when we face struggles or conflicts with our partner, or when things aren’t going as smoothly as we’d like, we tend to imagine that other relationships are perfect.

We might think that another person we know would make a better partner.

We often see people oversharing on social media, posting about their relationships, and we think, ‘Wow, I wish I had a relationship like that.’

Or we imagine that other people would come with no risk at all, wishing for a safer option.

But it’s important to remember that risk is always part of any relationship.

I mention this because many people struggling with retroactive jealousy seem focused on what I call ‘relationship risk management.’

They analyze their partner and their partner’s past, trying to assess how much of a risk this person might be in the future.

To cheat, lie, or hurt them—things like that. And of course, I think there’s value in being cautious.

If you’re with someone whose past is full of red flags, then it’s important to take that seriously.

In some cases, it might be best to move on before you get hurt or things become really complicated.

That being said, I think it’s just as important to remember that every relationship carries some risk.

Even if you marry a 21-year-old who’s never been in a relationship before and still lives at home with her parents, and you think she’s as pure as snow—there’s still a risk involved.

Even that woman could decide to leave you, or she might watch something like Sex and the City and think, ‘You know what? I need more life experience,’ and then leave town.

It’s not an exaggeration, but the point is clear.

Everyone comes with some risk.

We do ourselves a disservice when we imagine that a risk-free relationship exists, because the truth is, it doesn’t.

Human beings are incredibly complex—even that 21-year-old who seems as pure as snow. There will always be some level of risk when you open your heart to someone.

My final tip might be the most unconventional, but it’s something I feel very strongly about.

And that’s simply to remember that one day, none of this is going to matter.

What do I mean by that? I mean, we’re all going to die.

We’ll all end up either in boxes in the ground or ashes in the sky—whatever the case may be. Someday, none of this will matter.

Some people find this idea depressing or morbid when I say it, but I don’t mind, because it’s the truth, especially when we reach the end of our lives.

We need to consider what will truly be important, what will really matter in the end.

Often, I think what matters most is taking the risk to open our hearts to someone and choosing to love, even though it’s not always easy.

There will always be some risk when we open ourselves up to another person

But what’s the alternative? The alternative is never opening our hearts to anyone.

It means staying stuck in our own warped perspectives, letting intrusive thoughts take over, and allowing them to ruin the days, weeks, or even years of our lives. It’s not a very good option.

Keep in mind that all these struggles and difficult questions you’re facing now will eventually fade away.

In the end, what really matters is how we choose to spend our days with the people we love.

If you want to reclaim some of your time from retroactive jealousy, gain clarity on what truly matters, and start letting go of concerns about your partner’s past in a deeper, more meaningful way, I recommend checking out my resources here.

As I mentioned at the start of this video, I’ve helped thousands of people over the past 10 years work through retroactive jealousy, reclaim their lives, save their relationships, and start feeling normal again.

If you’d like more information about my work or you’d like to work with me one-on-one, please visit this page.

And be sure you’re subscribed to my YouTube channel as well to be notified of new videos.