In today’s video, I’d like to offer you my #1 practice for overcoming jealousy in my personal life.
Read on to discover my #1 practice for overcoming jealousy.
Zachary Stockill: So I have been very fortunate in my dating life to date some remarkable women.
And I don’t say that to brag, but to give you an idea. I’ve dated some very beautiful women, other women who are maybe very professionally successful, etc, etc. I’m a lucky guy.
I’ve often thought about the fact that I put myself out there as this jealousy guy and I’ve written books on jealousy, and it’s one of my main interests.
And I almost feel like the universe keeps presenting me with these situations where it’s like, “okay, Mr. Jealousy Guy, are you sure you’re not really jealous? Here’s this, here’s this challenge. Here’s that challenge.”
It’s kind of funny.
I’ve been presented in my life with many situations whereas if I was going to be struggling with some kind of jealousy. Whether rational or not, here’s a good opportunity.
Because maybe I’ve got extremely successful guys going after my girlfriend. Or, extremely handsome and attractive and six-pack ab guys going after a woman I’m dating, etc, etc.
And I’m pleased to say that jealousy is a pretty rare experience for me nowadays.
It certainly wasn’t always the case (you can read my first book, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy) but ever since then, jealousy has been a very occasional struggle of mine.
Very rare that I actually feel jealous. And there are multiple reasons for this.
But I was reflecting on this and I was thinking if I had to sum everything up: why have I really gotten a handle on this? And what has been the difference?
I think a huge reason why my jealousy has decreased so drastically is simply the fact that I always focus on this one question during moments where perhaps I might feel jealous, and I need a quick practice for overcoming jealousy.
And the question that I find myself asking is, what is the unique gift that only I can offer?
In other words, if I’m dating a woman, what is the unique gift that only I can give her?
What am I offering that she would be giving up if our relationship was not to work out?
What do I bring to her table that no one else can?
It sounds like maybe it’s an arrogant thing to ask. And, I’m not saying that I’m better than other men. I’m not saying that I’m more successful or better looking or wealthier or anything like that.
When I say “unique gift,” I really mean unique gift.
What is the unique combination of various characteristics and personality traits, etc. that make me valuable. The best fit for the particular woman who’s in my life at any moment?
And I believe if you are struggling with jealousy and you find that this has been a recurring theme in your life, I think you would serve yourself very well, if you asked yourself this question.
What is the unique gift that only I can offer?
And what is the unique combination of personality traits and characteristics that make me, me and that make me valuable?
And in particular, that make me a very good choice for my current partner?
Always come back to this question.
And it might take some time and a bit of mental struggle to arrive at a fully formed, well-rounded answer to this question for yourself.
If you and I were to meet in a coffee shop and I were to ask you, “what is the unique gift that only you can offer to your partner? “There’s a chance that at this point you might not have much of an answer for me, or you might not be entirely sure.
“Well, what is the unique gift that only I have to offer?”
But I bet if I came back to that coffee shop with you week after week and kept asking you this question, the more you thought about it, the more you would arrive at a fully formed, well-rounded answer.
Because if your partner is choosing you, if they have committed to you, if they’ve sworn off dating, if they’ve deleted Tinder, etc. if they’re really committed to you and they’re really sold on your relationship, chances are very good that they are pretty clear on the unique gift that only you have to offer.
So when you’re arriving at your answer to this question, you can ask yourself and see which answers arise naturally from within you.
But you can also reflect on maybe things your partner said to you or different experiences you’ve had, where your value, your worth to them, has really been highlighted.
You can even write some of this stuff down. You can even quote them directly…. things they’ve said to you that are reassuring, that illustrate that they appreciate you, and that they are very well aware of the unique gift that only you can offer to them.
I often advise coaching clients to keep this list on their phone, and use this quick practice for overcoming jealousy.
In moments when you’re feeling insecure, during moments, when you feel like you might be going down, either the retroactive jealousy rabbit hole, or any other moments where jealousy might come up for you, pull out your phone, look at this list, reflect on it and try to use it as a kind of gut check, reality check and remember, “Oh yeah, I am valuable. And my partner realizes my value and here’s proof.”
I hope you found this video valuable.