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In today’s video, I discuss regular jealousy versus retroactive jealousy.
Read or watch below to learn strategies for dealing with regular jealousy versus retroactive jealousy.
Zachary Stockill: Many people dealing with retroactive jealousy also experience regular, present-day jealousy.
In today’s video, I’m responding to a viewer who asked whether the same strategies used to overcome retroactive jealousy can also help with regular sexual jealousy.
My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women from around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.
If you’re interested in learning more about my work or working with me one-on-one, click here.
The term retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted, intrusive thoughts—often obsessive curiosity or what I call “mental movies”—about your partner’s past relationships or their sexual and dating history.
One viewer, T, writes: “I struggle with retroactive jealousy, but also with regular jealousy.
Like when my girlfriend’s at work, I’m always worried about what she’s doing or who she’s talking to.”
Are the same steps used to treat this?”
Okay T, thanks for your question—it’s a good one.
The short answer is: yes and no.
There’s definitely a lot of overlap in how you approach both kinds of jealousy, but there are also some additional steps that are important depending on the situation.
So when it comes to the overlap, one of the biggest things is accepting full responsibility for solving the problem.
That’s essential. You also need to stop doing the things that make it worse—like checking your partner’s phone, stalking their social media, or constantly asking for reassurance.
Learning how to manage unwanted, intrusive thoughts is a key part of overcoming both regular jealousy and retroactive jealousy.
It’s also important to look at where those feelings are really coming from.
Is this something you’ve been carrying with you for a long time, or are there issues in the relationship itself that are starting to show up?
So yes, many of the same practical steps apply—like managing intrusive thoughts, calming obsessive curiosity, and not feeding the problem.
All of that matters, and a good coach or therapist can definitely help. But when it comes to how regular jealousy and retroactive jealousy differ, there are some important distinctions too.
Here are a few thoughts.
First off, it can really help to get an outside opinion—someone objective who can tell if there’s not just smoke, but maybe some fire too.
I’ve worked with clients who weren’t just imagining things; they were dealing with real sexual jealousy because something in the relationship actually wasn’t right.
They were constantly anxious about what their partner was doing when they weren’t around—always worried, always guessing.
During a coaching call, we’d dig deeper into their relationship and their partner’s behavior.
And sometimes, it became clear that the jealousy wasn’t just in their head—there was actually something going on beneath the surface.
In other words, maybe this person’s wife or girlfriend thrives on constant male attention and flirts excessively, in a way that feels disrespectful to her partner.
If she’s crossing boundaries you’ve clearly communicated—things you’ve said you’re not okay with, what you can and can’t accept—and she continues anyway, that’s a real concern.
In that case, it’s not just jealousy—it’s about whether your partner respects you and the relationship.
If your partner is completely ignoring your boundaries over and over again, there’s not much you can do about it.
You can’t really manage your jealousy in that case, because it isn’t irrational.
There’s not just smoke—there’s fire too, and that might be a sign you’re simply in the wrong relationship.
Of course, if your partner is crossing your boundaries and giving you real reasons to worry, sometimes they can change.
I believe in personal growth—it’s what I help people with every day—so I know change is possible.
But sometimes, no matter how many chances you give—second, third, fourth, or even fifth—it becomes clear that it’s just not going to happen.
This person is who they are, and I’ve realized I’m not willing to accept it—so it’s time to move on.
What I’m really saying is: do whatever you need to get an outside perspective.
Whether it’s from a coach, therapist, close friend, or family member, explain the situation and your concerns, and hopefully you’ll get some clarity—like, am I overthinking this or is it valid?
Is there actually a reason for me to feel jealous? Because sometimes there is.
That said, if you’ve taken a good look at the situation and realize, “This is my issue, not my partner’s,” then you’re already on the right path.
At that point, many of the same steps for overcoming retroactive jealousy apply—and honestly, the number one step is to stop doing what doesn’t work.
What I mean is, if you’re constantly questioning your partner—going through their phone, checking their social media all the time—be clear that this isn’t helping in the long run.
If you’re always asking where they are, who they’re with, or what they’re doing, it might give you a bit of relief in the moment, but that feeling won’t last.
Over time, it only makes things worse.
The truth is, doing those things actually feeds a harmful cycle—and the sooner you stop, the better chance you have of breaking free from it.
I see this all the time, not just with retroactive jealousy but also with more common forms of jealousy.
If people would just stop doing what clearly isn’t helping, their problem could improve by at least 50%, which is a pretty big deal.
Often when we’re dealing with a problem like this, just stopping the things that are making it worse can really help things start to improve.
So that’s some general advice I can offer here, since we’re not on a coaching call or going deeper.
But the main point is: figure out if this is mostly your issue or your partner’s, then get clear on what’s not working—and please, stop doing those things.
Aside from that, it’s time to ask yourself where this jealousy might be coming from.
If you’ve realized that this is really your issue, then it’s important to understand what’s behind it.
A good coach or therapist can be incredibly helpful with this kind of work—maybe there are some deep, unresolved childhood wounds playing a role.
Maybe you were betrayed in the past by someone else—a man or a woman.
Either way, it’s time to start doing the inner work needed to understand where these feelings come from.
Because it’s only when you understand the root of your emotions that you can start to move beyond them.
And as I always say, sunlight is the best disinfectant.
A lot of people avoid doing that kind of inner work because it can be painful.
But if you don’t take the time to understand where your feelings or unhealthy patterns come from, they’ll likely stick with you—sometimes for the rest of your life.
And who wants that? So don’t avoid doing this work.
It’s really important, and you’ll only be able to build the life, future, and relationship you truly want once you begin.
Beyond that, if you’re ready to get serious about overcoming retroactive jealousy for good and finally moving forward, make sure to sign up for my free four-part video mini course.
