“Take Her OFF the Pedestal:” A Message for Men [VIDEO]

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In today’s video, I discuss how men can “take her off the pedestal.”

Read or watch below to learn strategies to take her off the pedestal.

Zachary Stockill: If you’ve been watching my channel for a while—or if you’re in one of my online courses—you’ve probably heard me talk about taking your partner off the pedestal and how that can help with overcoming jealousy.

In today’s video, I want to talk about a related idea that I haven’t shared on this channel before, but I believe it’s just as important when it comes to dealing with unwanted, intrusive thoughts about your partner’s past.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and strengthen their relationships.

If you’d like to learn more about my work or work with me one-on-one, please click here.

If you’re here for the first time, retroactive jealousy is when you have unwanted, intrusive thoughts—often obsessive curiosity or what I call mental movies—about your partner’s past relationships, whether romantic or sexual.

You might experience just one of these, or all three, but that’s what we mean when we talk about retroactive jealousy.

As some of you may know, I’m a musician and a big fan of music. Recently, one of my favorite artists, Bon Iver, released a new album. You might’ve heard of him—he’s a Grammy-winning American indie artist. His new album is called Sable Fable, and it’s fantastic. I highly recommend giving it a listen.

But anyway, he’s released a new album. And like a lot of artists, he’s doing the usual press run—showing up on podcasts and stuff.

I saw a clip of him on one recently, where he was talking about a big change in his personal life and in how he’s growing as a man.

He was essentially talking about taking love off the pedestal he once placed it on.

He wanted to shed some illusions about love and embrace it fully—messiness, and all. Instead of only focusing on the good, he sought to accept the whole package.

Obviously, I can’t speak for Mr. Justin Vernon—Bon Iver—who was talking about this, but the video really resonated with me.

This idea of taking love off the pedestal is something I feel very strongly about.

It hit me so deeply because it’s a process I had to go through in my own life, especially while working through retroactive jealousy.

It’s also a process I’ve helped guide many of my coaching clients through over the years.

It’s remarkable how many of them are creative in some way—musicians, painters, even a few actors.

Not all of my clients are creatives, but a lot of them are.

I consider myself a creative too—I play guitar and write songs, though I’m definitely an amateur.

But I think a lot of artists and creative people tend to have pretty romantic ideas about love and relationships.

We’ve seen all the movies and listened to all the sad songs, and we end up putting love on a pedestal, like it’s the ultimate goal in life.

We feel like we need to find “the one,” our dream girl, all of that.

We often place unrealistic expectations on love and on our partner.

And when we do that—when we expect too much from relationships and what they can give us—we leave room for things like retroactive jealousy to creep in.

People who struggle with retroactive jealousy often say things like, “My relationship is perfect… except for this one thing.”

But if you’ve been watching my channel for a while, you know I can’t stand the word “perfect.”

I really try to avoid using it when we’re talking about people, because the truth is, humans are naturally messy.

We’re all a bit of a mess in our own way.

I always say the human brain is the most complex thing in the universe, right? We’ve made it to Mars, sent tech to the edges of the solar system, and still haven’t found anything more complicated than human psychology.

So really, it makes sense that people and relationships can be a bit messy sometimes. We all make mistakes.

There’s no such thing as a perfect fairytale romance, and that’s okay.

Even in art, movies, or TV shows, a perfect romance isn’t what we want because it’s unrealistic.

It doesn’t connect with us like great art does.

We need to understand that looking for perfection in a partner or in a relationship will only lead to misery.

That’s why taking love off the pedestal is so important for anyone dealing with retroactive jealousy.

It can really help you overcome that struggle.

Number two, your life will be better when you manage your expectations to fit reality.

Don’t look for perfection in yourself, your partner, or your relationship.

Understand that many problems you have with your current partner would happen with someone else, and if you changed partners, you’d face different problems.

I often quote a friend who said something very insightful.

She and her German partner have been together for many years.

I asked her what she thinks keeps them strong and together.

Without missing a beat, she looked at me and said, every morning when I wake up, I look at my partner and think, yes, you are the problem I want to have today.

Right? I thought that was so beautiful because she’s recognizing that everyone has some problems.

Everyone will bring challenges, and that’s okay—it’s just part of being human.

So if you’re struggling with unwanted, intrusive thoughts about your partner’s past or with retroactive jealousy, start by taking love off the pedestal.

It can feel like a big idea and a complicated process.

You might think taking love off that pedestal means giving something up, but you’re not.

You’re opening yourself up to a less stressful, happier life, future, and relationship.

If you want support in beating retroactive jealousy and getting clear on your values—and your partner’s—click here to learn more about one-on-one coaching with yours truly.