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In today’s video, I respond to the question: “Should you accept retroactive jealousy triggers?“
Read or watch below to hear my response to: Should you accept retroactive jealousy triggers?
Zachary Stockill: Many people with retroactive jealousy know that a common part of this disorder is encountering triggers—situations or events outside our control that can spark feelings of jealousy.
In today’s video, I’m going to answer a common question from viewers about triggers.
My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women from all over the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.
If you’d like to learn more about my work or work with me one-on-one, please click here.
For those here for the first time, retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted, intrusive thoughts, obsessive curiosity, and what I call “mental movies” about your partner’s past relationships, sexual experiences, or dating history.
I received a question from a viewer struggling with retroactive jealousy triggers.
D writes: “I have a question about triggers. Is there a way to completely work through them? Some things that are obscure triggers I’ve been able to handle, but other ones still always seem to mess me up.”
So, D asks: “Should you accept retroactive jealousy triggers? Do I have to accept that certain things will always trigger me?”
Thanks for your question, D. The answer is no—I don’t think you have to accept that, and I don’t think you should.
However, there is an important caveat that I’ll explain at the end of this video.
Now, let’s address your main question: Do you have to accept that certain things will always trigger you?
No, that’s not true. You don’t necessarily have to accept that.
There are proven practices, strategies, and techniques from OCD research, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other areas that can help you work through triggers.
There are many ways to manage and overcome them.
Triggers only have power over you when you give them power.
It might sound counterintuitive, especially when you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy.
When a trigger comes up, it can feel like there’s nothing you can do, as if what happened—whether it’s something your partner said or something else—has control over you.
It can feel like it’s outside of your control, and that you can’t do anything about it, but that’s not true.
Of course, you can try to avoid triggers as much as possible, but sometimes they’re unavoidable.
Certain triggers might even come up frequently in your relationship.
Sometimes a trigger could be something like a street you always have to drive down or something in your home.
In some cases, triggers are unavoidable.
When that happens, it’s important to recognize what is in your control and what isn’t.
If I’m struggling with retroactive jealousy and encounter a trigger… Instead of feeling like a victim or powerless, I need to remember that retroactive jealousy feeds off emotional energy. Remember this before the cycle starts and the emotions take over.
“This trigger only has power over me when I give it emotional energy.”
That’s a big topic to dive into, and I don’t have time to explore it right now.
But the main point is that, no, certain triggers don’t have to always trigger you.
There are ways to work through them—strategies, tips, practices, and different perspectives that can help.
There are many strategies on this YouTube channel and in my online courses to help you make triggers no longer trigger you.
To put it simply, it all starts with realizing that this external thing only has power over you if you give it power.
You have the ability to take that power back, reframe the narrative, and choose not to let it control you whenever you want.
I just have to take the steps.
However, I promised you a caveat earlier in this video.
Depending on your situation and your specific circumstances, you may need to accept that there’s something in your partner’s past that you’re never going to fully love.
It might be a person they were once with, something they did, or a situation they were in—you might have to accept that there are some things you just won’t feel great about.
Notice the difference here.
There’s a distinction between not loving something about your partner’s past and being triggered by it.
To me, the word “trigger” feels intense—it suggests that a lot of emotional energy is tied to that thing.
It has the power, or at least feels like it has the power, to cause anxiety, make us short of breath, and stress us out.
That’s a trigger. There’s a difference between that and simply not loving something from your partner’s past.
And by the way, if that’s the case for you—if there’s something in your partner’s past that you don’t love—join the club.
That’s something most people in modern relationships experience.
There are probably people watching this video, or people in your life, who have never even heard of retroactive jealousy.
They don’t know that term.
But if you asked them, “Hey Mary Jane, do you love thinking about Robert’s ex-wife?” she’d probably say no.
Or if you asked, “Hey Dave, do you like thinking about Susie’s ex?” he’d likely say no, too.
Exactly, Dave would probably say, “Of course not. He was kind of an idiot, and I don’t like thinking about that.”
Sometimes, when we’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, it’s easy to lose perspective and think that everyone else is fine with their partner’s past.
While they might not be dealing with intrusive thoughts or all the other challenges we face, there are plenty of people who don’t necessarily love their partner’s past—but they find a way to accept it and move forward in a way that works for them.
For most people who aren’t struggling with retroactive jealousy, it’s not a big deal.
They might think, “I don’t love that thing from my partner’s past, but our present is so amazing, who cares about the past?”
That’s how I think many people handle it.
So, all that to say, no—certain things don’t have to trigger you indefinitely for the rest of your life.
Of course, you might not love certain things about your partner’s past.
You could spend your whole life with them and still not love a few elements of their history.
But it doesn’t have to control your life. It doesn’t need to have an emotional impact on you.
There are proven strategies, tips, practices, and reframes that can help you manage this.
There is a way through this so that triggers no longer control you.
If you want to get started right now, I highly recommend signing up for my free four-part video mini course.
Sign up, and I’ll send you a series of exclusive free videos that aren’t on this channel, directly to your inbox, over the course of about a week.
This will help you start making progress in beating retroactive jealousy.
Many people have found these videos really helpful.
Click here to receive your free four-part video mini course on how to get started.
