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In today’s video, I address the question: “Why does she talk about her past?“
Read or watch below to learn “Why does she talk about her past?” and how to respond in a healthy way.
Zachary Stockill: If you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts about your partner’s painful past, you’re not alone.
Maybe you keep replaying those mental movies in your head.
And maybe your partner tends to overshare.
There’s a good chance you’ve asked yourself: “Why does my partner keep talking about their past?”
In today’s video, I’m going to try to answer that question.
My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve helped thousands of men and women from around the world overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.
If you’d like to learn more about my work, or if you’re interested in working with me one-on-one, please click here.
And if you’re here for the first time—welcome!
The term retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts—often obsessive curiosity or what I like to call “mental movies”—about your partner’s past relationships, including their sexual or dating history.
You might experience just one of these symptoms, or all three.
But at its core, that’s what retroactive jealousy is.
One question I’ve received regularly over the years from people struggling with retroactive jealousy is some version of: “Why does my partner insist on talking about their past?” As you probably know, many retroactive jealousy sufferers ask their partners countless questions about their past.
They poke, prod, interrogate, snoop—you name it.
A lot of people struggling with retroactive jealousy are constantly trying to dig up more unnecessary information about their partner’s past—and that’s a whole separate issue.
I’ve recorded many videos on that topic, and it describes many retroactive jealousy sufferers.
However, there’s another group of people who are the exact opposite.
They don’t want to know anything more about their partner’s past.
In fact, they don’t even want to know what they already know.
They don’t want to talk about it, and they often wish their partner would just stop bringing it up.
One question I often get from people in this situation is: “Why does my partner want to talk about their past?”
And in my view, there are three possible reasons.
Reason number one—or let’s say, possibility number one—is simply this: the desire to connect.
Most of the time, when we talk about our past—whether it’s our dating history or just life experiences—we’re trying to connect with someone. We want to relate.
And sometimes, deep down, we might hope that by sharing personal or intimate details, we’ll feel seen, understood, and accepted.
We want someone to accept us, to empathize with us. It all comes back to that basic human need to connect with others.
And often, in situations where it feels like your partner keeps bringing up the past, that’s really all they’re trying to do—they just want to connect with you on a deeper level.
They want to reveal more of themselves. They’re looking for deeper intimacy, a deeper connection.
Another possibility—another reason your partner might be talking about their past—is that they’re trying to impress you.
Now hold on—I know a lot of guys watching this are probably thinking, “What could possibly be impressive about hearing stories of other guys chasing after my wife or girlfriend?”
Why on earth would that be impressive, right?
Let’s be real—when people talk about their past dating experiences or situations where someone was interested in them, it’s often a way of puffing themselves up a little.
Whether they realize it or not, they might be trying to impress the person they’re talking to.
They’re trying to communicate something like, “Look at me—I’m desirable.
Other people have wanted me.
I’ve had experiences in the past where I was pursued, where I felt attractive or important.” It’s like they’re saying, “I’ve been desirable throughout different stages of my life.”
And sometimes, whether they mean to or not, people bring this up to spark a little insecurity in their partner.
I mean, let’s be honest—it’s not very nice, but it does happen.
Sometimes when someone talks about their past a lot, they might be trying to make their partner feel a little jealous or a bit insecure.
Now, I don’t think this is the case for most people—at least not the ones I work with in my private coaching practice.
Most of the time, their partners aren’t being intentionally mean or vindictive.
And yeah, sometimes it’s a little messed up—but it does happen from time to time.
Occasionally, your partner might be trying to impress you with their worldliness or their desirability.
And sometimes, whether they realize it or not, they might be trying to make you feel a little insecure—trying to send the message: “I’m a desirable person.”
Something like, “Other guys have wanted me for a long time,” or “I’ve had options in the past.” Sometimes that’s the message they’re trying to send.
Another possible reason—my third category of why your partner might be talking about their past—is that they’re looking for a sense of security.
Sometimes, when people share details about themselves that are—let’s say—less than flattering, like a time they messed up, chose the wrong person, did something they regret, or something they feel ashamed of, it’s not just about telling a story.
Often, when someone opens up like that, what they’re really looking for is a sense of acceptance—and a sense of security.
In other words, when I share something embarrassing or painful, I’m not just telling a story.
Maybe it’s something that doesn’t show me in the best light. Something I’m not proud of.
What I’m really asking is: Will you still love me? Will you still accept me?
Even though I’m showing you the messy, imperfect parts of myself…
Are you still going to stay?
Am I really secure in this relationship?
Sometimes, people use moments like this almost as a test.
Maybe not on purpose.
But deep down, they’re wondering:
If I share this thing I did—something I’m ashamed of, something embarrassing, or even a secret I’ve never told anyone—Will you still stay? Are you going to stick around once you know this part of me?
I think people do this because they want to see how much they can truly invest in the relationship.
In other words, they’re thinking, “If I lay all my cards on the table—if I’m completely honest and vulnerable—will my partner still accept me? Am I safe here?”
So I believe that’s another potential reason why your partner might be talking about their past.
Beyond that, if you’re ready to get serious about overcoming retroactive jealousy for good and finally moving forward, make sure to sign up for my free four-part video mini course.
