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In today’s video, I offer a few thoughts on why she might be friends with her ex.
Read or watch below to learn strategies for dealing with feelings around why she’s still connected with her ex.
Zachary Stockill: Navigating social media can be tricky, especially when someone in a relationship is struggling with retroactive jealousy.
In today’s video, I’m responding to a viewer who’s feeling upset because his wife is still friends with her ex on social media.
I’m Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women from around the world work through these kinds of challenges.
If you’d like to learn more about my work or work with me one-on-one, please click here.
If this is your first time here, retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted, intrusive thoughts—often obsessive curiosity or what I call “mental movies”—about your partner’s past relationships or sexual and dating history.
Social media can obviously be a bit of a minefield for people dealing with retroactive jealousy.
A lot of them struggle with the fact that their partner might still be friends with an ex on social media.
Today’s comment comes from a viewer we’ll call SS, who writes: “One thing that still gets to me is the fact that one of my wife’s exes is still friends with her on social media—and he still likes all of her posts…
“Is it normal to feel bothered by something like this?”
If you’re struggling with a similar issue, one thing I’d encourage you to keep in mind is that social media means different things to different people, and everyone has their own reasons for what they choose to share or do online.
The first thing to keep in mind, I think, is that some people see this kind of thing as totally harmless, while others see it as a complete deal breaker.
I’m not sure where you stand, but I’m guessing you lean more toward the deal breaker side than thinking it’s harmless.
Still, it’s important to keep the big picture in mind.
Remember, social media is still very new.
We’re all still learning how to navigate it—what’s okay, what’s not.
And your wife might see her connection with her ex very differently than you do.
You could be jumping to the worst-case scenario.
You might be jumping to conclusions about what your partner’s actions actually mean—and that’s understandable.
You’re not a mind reader, so try to remember that.
It’s also possible that you and your partner have very different ideas about what’s appropriate on social media.
That’s why I always encourage people to have open, honest conversations about these things early in a relationship.
For example—cheating, right? You say “cheating,” and most people think, oh, I know what that means.
But the truth is, it’s really about what you think cheating is.
A lot of other people might see it differently.
Like, some might even consider liking another girl’s post on Instagram as cheating.
Some people see that as cheating when you’re in a relationship, while others only consider it cheating if there’s physical contact with someone else.
The point is, it’s best to talk about these things early in the relationship—when the stakes are still pretty low.
In other words, before someone crosses a boundary—especially one the other person might not even realize exists—it’s important to have an open conversation about what actually counts as cheating.
And in the same way, I think it’s definitely worth having a conversation about social media too.
Is it okay to stay friends with your ex on social media?
If you have a boundary—such as believing your partner shouldn’t stay in touch with their ex online—it’s important to have a clear and reasonable explanation for why you feel that way.
Think this through carefully, because there’s a good chance your partner will be more open to a boundary if you have a clear, thoughtful reason behind it.
Quick tip—try not to present boundaries in a way that gives your partner no reason to take them seriously.
In other words, if your boundaries are just “don’t do this because it makes me feel sad” or something that doesn’t sound very strong, most people won’t take it seriously—because most people are naturally focused on themselves.
But if you explain the boundary as, “When you cross this line, it creates distance between us—and I don’t want that, and I don’t think you do either,” it usually lands better. As in:
“We want to grow together in love and build deeper intimacy…”
“That’s why I don’t want you to do this—because it really affects how close we feel, and that’s not good for either of us…”
It’s always better to talk about boundaries and values in a way that shows it helps both of us, not just one person.
But anyway, coming back to social media and your partner’s connection to her ex, step one is this: remember that everyone sees social media differently.
People have different ideas about what’s appropriate and what’s not.
So the first thing you should do is have an open and honest conversation with your partner about exactly that.
And whenever you set a boundary, make sure you have a clear reason for it—something you can explain to your partner.
But the main point here is: don’t jump to conclusions.
People behave differently on social media, and things like liking an ex’s post can mean different things for different people.
Some people do it just to be nice—it’s more of a mindless, thoughtless habit.
But of course, others may have more selfish or sneaky reasons.
In other words, some people still want a bit of validation or an ego boost from thinking, “Oh my God, I liked their post.”
And what if they like my posts? Some people really enjoy getting attention on social media.
But if you’re in a monogamous relationship, that can obviously turn into a real issue.
The good thing is, everyone’s on social media these days, so you’re not alone.
It might help to talk to some friends, family, or people you trust and hear what they think.
What do they think about the situation too? You might hear some different perspectives that could really help.
But above all, I have to say—talk to your partner.
Why do you feel the way you do? Why is this a boundary for you, if it is? And how can the two of you talk it through and find some kind of mutual understanding?
And again, the best way to do that and have a good conversation is to aim for a win-win outcome.
In other words, try to appeal to their self-interest.
If you have a boundary, you should be able to explain calmly and clearly why respecting that boundary could also be a benefit for them.
Beyond that, if you’re ready to get serious about overcoming retroactive jealousy for good and finally moving forward, make sure to sign up for my free four-part video mini course.
